Good evening fellow Bostonians. How are you enjoying the brisk winter weather? Surprisingly we've hit a small warmth spurt ( is that even a phrase?) With my year anniversary coming up on the lovely blogger.com I'm thinking more now than ever about what a different place I'm in after just one year. I look at the brunette in the mirror and smile. I've managed to not give up on entirely everything. I'm still here speaking to you about the trial and tribulations of the witty mind of she. A girl who never finishes what she starts, I'm glad that I have not given up on you guys just yet.
I spent a majority of the week working on the concept of what a good person means... and making sure my customers get their parts on time of course. I straggle to work every morning wondering will god please send me some kind of good faith, something to hold me in place and remind me that everything I've done will pay off in the end. Don't get me wrong, I have a really good life. I have a job that keeps me laughing all day, mostly because of my good hearted coworkers who understand my crazy humor and laugh along with me. I have a really great family, who aren't afraid to tell me when something makes me look really fat, but acknowledge when I look stunning. I also have a really great set of friends who take my late night calls when I've been crying all night just to tell me that everything is sure to work out in the end. These are the things I have, but it still leaves a linger for the things I want. Don't we all feel that way at times? Grateful for what we have but curious when what we want will match?
I woke up this morning and decided it's time for a change. The first thought that ran through my head ( like most women) is.. "I'm going to chop my hair off." Now considering I spent the last 2 and half years growing it out and crying myself to sleep when I did cut it all off, I would say I was desperate to find something else I could change that would make these hair thoughts go away, and quickly!
Second thought that came to mind, "Let's rearrange furniture." This was quite the dragged out project. Not only was there major cleaning that had to be done before hand, but I'm anything but the type to move around furniture, especially with my ability to slip and fall at pretty much any given moment, kind of like that time last weekend when I went to get the door for the Chinese food that was delivered to my house only to be momentarily delayed when I slipped right down the stairs... yupp I still have the bruise on my rear.
The first hour was spend cleaning and organizing. This was okay, then the bigger skill came. First I had to get my queen sized mattress off my bed frame so I could easily move the bed. I thought it would be intelligent to lift the mattress off the bed and stand it up against the wall, which would have been perfect...if I didn't have a ceiling fan in my room.... not only did I almost chop off my hand, but I'm pretty sure I almost broke my pinky toe when I tried to get around the bed frame to stop the mattress from taking me out. I look at my bed, all made and comfy, and I'm extremely proud of myself, but my toe would say otherwise.
I bravely made my way to the mall after with Mr. Savior to do some Christmas shopping. This ended quickly due to bloating from cafeteria food and the only thing I walked out with was 2 scrumptious candles for my room... ohh and this yummy new lip gloss. I'm a horrible person.
So now I sit here, with my Kings of Leon soundtrack, my bruised toe, and a full stomach ( pizza and movies at my sisters) and ponder how the last couple weeks of the year are doomed to play out. Sometimes I wish I could tell the future, then I remember how good it feels when I'm pleasantly surprised.
I wish I had some good boy toy stories for you, I'm very known for them with my friends, but I've been making an effort to do my own thing right now and just focus on me. So I do apologize if my blogs seem boring, but they're soon to be spiced up. My birthday is just around the corner and I'm making it a goal to turn over a new leaf when it hits and get myself back out there, but for right now I need to do what is best for me. Which is get my ass to the gym, get a freaking tan, and save some money for my trip in April.
Sometimes I wonder if anyone really listens to me or if this is all wasted verbal therapy that goes out into blogger space. So are you listening? Are you reading? Am I boring you? Send me a sign.
Over n' Out!
MW
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
" I don't believe you when you say you don't need me anymore."
I wish I could define exactly what has been going on in my life lately, but words don't sum it up. My faith has been tested, my hope has been tried, and my love has worn thin, but I keep fighting.
I've been thinking about someone from my past a lot lately. Don't you hate how it hits you like that? BAM, something that has been a distant memory comes rushing back to you and hits you ten times harder. Makes you wonder if you truly healed correctly the first time around. But do we ever heal correctly? Or do we just learn to push feelings aside to move on? It it naive to think that we can completely move on from things? Or is it really possible?
She's so bitter toward me and I'm grateful that I'm not toward her, but also extremely sad that she's angry toward me. I could sit here and wonder if I made the right decision in letting our friendship go but it's already done. I had to do what was right for me at that time. Is she angry that I didn't try hard enough? Is she angry because she knows there was some truth to why our friendship ended? I could rip myself to shreds wondering and thinking about why she feels the way she does, but I can't. I have to move on.
I sat outside tonight and felt the cold wind on my face. The air smelt like winter. Ever have a smell trigger a memory? It made me think of the late night drives with her when we'd sneak out to smoke a cigarette and talk about the meaning of life. Maybe there is a little piece of me that blames myself for our falling out. Maybe that's why I feel lost. No one wants to question the actions they took in the past, especially when it's lead to something painful. I reached out to her, only to be painful reminded that she is not the person I knew. I have to stop assuming the good in everyone or I'm never going to find my own happiness. I have to accept that some people are never going to forgive you, some are never going to be sorry, and some are never going to look back.
I still wish her happiness, I still hope she can let go of her anger, but I can't keep blaming myself. There are a lot of things I could have done differently, but if I hadn't done what I did I wouldn't be where I am now. We make decisions that shape us to the people we'll be in the future. She took a route and I went in the opposite direction, it's bound to happen. Some people come in and out our lives and change us. I'm grateful for that and for the lessons I've learned along the way. So where ever you are, if you read this, I hope there is some sympathy and love still left in you for me, because I do for you. I hope you smile when you remember our friendship and laugh when you think about all of the good times. Fair well <3
MW
I've been thinking about someone from my past a lot lately. Don't you hate how it hits you like that? BAM, something that has been a distant memory comes rushing back to you and hits you ten times harder. Makes you wonder if you truly healed correctly the first time around. But do we ever heal correctly? Or do we just learn to push feelings aside to move on? It it naive to think that we can completely move on from things? Or is it really possible?
She's so bitter toward me and I'm grateful that I'm not toward her, but also extremely sad that she's angry toward me. I could sit here and wonder if I made the right decision in letting our friendship go but it's already done. I had to do what was right for me at that time. Is she angry that I didn't try hard enough? Is she angry because she knows there was some truth to why our friendship ended? I could rip myself to shreds wondering and thinking about why she feels the way she does, but I can't. I have to move on.
I sat outside tonight and felt the cold wind on my face. The air smelt like winter. Ever have a smell trigger a memory? It made me think of the late night drives with her when we'd sneak out to smoke a cigarette and talk about the meaning of life. Maybe there is a little piece of me that blames myself for our falling out. Maybe that's why I feel lost. No one wants to question the actions they took in the past, especially when it's lead to something painful. I reached out to her, only to be painful reminded that she is not the person I knew. I have to stop assuming the good in everyone or I'm never going to find my own happiness. I have to accept that some people are never going to forgive you, some are never going to be sorry, and some are never going to look back.
I still wish her happiness, I still hope she can let go of her anger, but I can't keep blaming myself. There are a lot of things I could have done differently, but if I hadn't done what I did I wouldn't be where I am now. We make decisions that shape us to the people we'll be in the future. She took a route and I went in the opposite direction, it's bound to happen. Some people come in and out our lives and change us. I'm grateful for that and for the lessons I've learned along the way. So where ever you are, if you read this, I hope there is some sympathy and love still left in you for me, because I do for you. I hope you smile when you remember our friendship and laugh when you think about all of the good times. Fair well <3
MW
Sunday, November 28, 2010
"This could really be the good life."
Hope. Faith. Love.
What do these words really mean? It's one of the biggest questions that every individual in the world searchs for at one point in their life. I could sit here and load you with a whole bunch of bullshit that would make you feel better about the fact that no one really has any answers. I could even make you feel like at least I know what I'm talking about. Maybe that would make things like hope, faith, and love real. Feelings and emotions are just that. There arent higher meanings or signs that string you to the right path. Our life is exactly what we make it. Happy, sad, angry, selfish, your pick.
The reason people have such trouble accepting happiness is because theyre too focused on figuring out if they are or not. How about we just feel it? Does this mean that if we approach life in this way then we'll never experience sadness? No, it doesnt. Sadness is a part of life just as much as happiness. Some people say, " You have to go through the bad to get to the good." These people are very smart. They're willing to except that experiencing sadness is just another way of appretiating happiness. Instead of focusing so much on what our mind is telling us, we need to spend more time feeling. If you wake up one day and feel like a truck hit you, then lay in bed all day, cry, and allow the grief to take you over. Then one day, you'll wake up, the sun will be shinning through your window and something will hit you. You'll get out of bed, you'll go to the mirror and you'll smile. Maybe this happiness is short lived, but it's not about being happy all the time, it's about letting yourself feel whatever you want to feel.
One that note, this is no way means that we should ignore our thoughts, we just can't let them override us. Follow your gut, follow your heart, however you want to put it. If you dont, there will be so much you miss out on and ultimately regret starts to set in, leaving you with endless thoughts of what if. What if I got on that plane, what if I ran after her, What if I finished college, what if I let him go. You could spend your life thinking up what ifs, but we should be living those what ifs. Sometimes it works out exactly how we want it to and other times we're crushed to our core, but at least we don't have to wonder what if.
I had a conversation with my sister over breakfast today and I explained that if we never took chances or risked everything we're sure about, we would never reap the rewards. Taking the same route to work everyday, staying in a doomed relationship, doing your laundry every single Sunday. You might get along fine with this, but eventually there's a detour, she leaves you, and your laundry machine breaks. What do you do then? Everything you knew is wrong and you never ventured out or took a risk to know anything different. Do yourself a favor and learn a second route to work, let them go to fall in love again, and do your laundry on a Wednesday. It's amazing what a difference it makes.
Every experience makes us learn, grow, and mature. If we didn't have them, we'd be a bunch of horny teenagers our whole life, making a complete mockary of ourselves. Maybe things like hope, faith, and love arent about holding on when you want to give up, or believing in miracles, or thinking life is suppose to have some magical meaning that leads you to the right destiny. Maybe hope, faith, and love are how we cope. They're just how we get from a to b. They're how we justify our actions, they're how we grief. If we didn't have them, how would anything make sense? Why would we follow our heart, why would we live out our what ifs, why would anything have any value? Instead of defining things, we just need to live it.
I read this quote the other day that said, "Everyday you meet thousands of people, and then you meet one that makes you question everything you believed about yourself." I could write a novel about this one quote! It has truth behind it but it's also very deceiving. On one end, I see so much truth to this because I do believe that meeting one person can make you question everything you have ever believed about yourself. On the other end, this person may not love you back, they may be married, they may even be someone you're related to. As humans, we romanticize everything, which lets face it is how I view everything, but we seem to think that our happiness and our love depends on one person. Falling in love is one of the greatest things in the world. I fall in love with my nephew everytime I see him. Does that make me a creepier? No, it makes me a really grateful aunt. Falling in love is not niave or crazy. It takes one second to fall in love with someone. So what's the point of all this? I guess when it comes down to it all I can really do hope that my faith will lead me to love, in any form. That's how I get from a to b. That is how I cope. That is how I get over the men that break my heart. You can't take away this girls shine.
Until Next time, Over n' Out!
MW
What do these words really mean? It's one of the biggest questions that every individual in the world searchs for at one point in their life. I could sit here and load you with a whole bunch of bullshit that would make you feel better about the fact that no one really has any answers. I could even make you feel like at least I know what I'm talking about. Maybe that would make things like hope, faith, and love real. Feelings and emotions are just that. There arent higher meanings or signs that string you to the right path. Our life is exactly what we make it. Happy, sad, angry, selfish, your pick.
The reason people have such trouble accepting happiness is because theyre too focused on figuring out if they are or not. How about we just feel it? Does this mean that if we approach life in this way then we'll never experience sadness? No, it doesnt. Sadness is a part of life just as much as happiness. Some people say, " You have to go through the bad to get to the good." These people are very smart. They're willing to except that experiencing sadness is just another way of appretiating happiness. Instead of focusing so much on what our mind is telling us, we need to spend more time feeling. If you wake up one day and feel like a truck hit you, then lay in bed all day, cry, and allow the grief to take you over. Then one day, you'll wake up, the sun will be shinning through your window and something will hit you. You'll get out of bed, you'll go to the mirror and you'll smile. Maybe this happiness is short lived, but it's not about being happy all the time, it's about letting yourself feel whatever you want to feel.
One that note, this is no way means that we should ignore our thoughts, we just can't let them override us. Follow your gut, follow your heart, however you want to put it. If you dont, there will be so much you miss out on and ultimately regret starts to set in, leaving you with endless thoughts of what if. What if I got on that plane, what if I ran after her, What if I finished college, what if I let him go. You could spend your life thinking up what ifs, but we should be living those what ifs. Sometimes it works out exactly how we want it to and other times we're crushed to our core, but at least we don't have to wonder what if.
I had a conversation with my sister over breakfast today and I explained that if we never took chances or risked everything we're sure about, we would never reap the rewards. Taking the same route to work everyday, staying in a doomed relationship, doing your laundry every single Sunday. You might get along fine with this, but eventually there's a detour, she leaves you, and your laundry machine breaks. What do you do then? Everything you knew is wrong and you never ventured out or took a risk to know anything different. Do yourself a favor and learn a second route to work, let them go to fall in love again, and do your laundry on a Wednesday. It's amazing what a difference it makes.
Every experience makes us learn, grow, and mature. If we didn't have them, we'd be a bunch of horny teenagers our whole life, making a complete mockary of ourselves. Maybe things like hope, faith, and love arent about holding on when you want to give up, or believing in miracles, or thinking life is suppose to have some magical meaning that leads you to the right destiny. Maybe hope, faith, and love are how we cope. They're just how we get from a to b. They're how we justify our actions, they're how we grief. If we didn't have them, how would anything make sense? Why would we follow our heart, why would we live out our what ifs, why would anything have any value? Instead of defining things, we just need to live it.
I read this quote the other day that said, "Everyday you meet thousands of people, and then you meet one that makes you question everything you believed about yourself." I could write a novel about this one quote! It has truth behind it but it's also very deceiving. On one end, I see so much truth to this because I do believe that meeting one person can make you question everything you have ever believed about yourself. On the other end, this person may not love you back, they may be married, they may even be someone you're related to. As humans, we romanticize everything, which lets face it is how I view everything, but we seem to think that our happiness and our love depends on one person. Falling in love is one of the greatest things in the world. I fall in love with my nephew everytime I see him. Does that make me a creepier? No, it makes me a really grateful aunt. Falling in love is not niave or crazy. It takes one second to fall in love with someone. So what's the point of all this? I guess when it comes down to it all I can really do hope that my faith will lead me to love, in any form. That's how I get from a to b. That is how I cope. That is how I get over the men that break my heart. You can't take away this girls shine.
Until Next time, Over n' Out!
MW
Saturday, November 27, 2010
" To all the women that deserve better."
*I just feel the need to vent really quickly*
Is there a decent guy out there that has no baggage? I don't think there is. More importantly, I can't seem to wrap my mind around why women who don't HAVE baggage fall for guys with it? It's like we want to take on some of their baggage so that they have less. I don't know about you, but I'm all set with that.
Someone close to me is seeing someone who just got divorced. Now even though things have been going really great, everyone seems to remind her not to invest all of herself into a man who probably has a whole deal of emotional issues that he has to sort out. But like I said last night, we can't help who we fall in love with.
On that note, this guy has managed to do all the right things so far but I'm slowly seeing the end result of a great woman investing herself into a man that just does not deserve her.
Why do we do that? These men don't see a good thing when they have it. They'd rather fuck around with high school girls or drunk women at bars. Why? Why does this happen? Because for the life of me, I can't seem to understand why a man can take a look at every great thing that you are and decide,"I'm gonna try else where."
If someone could PLEASE explain this too me, it would be awesome! Oh and if you are one of those guys who appretiates a women for who she is and what she has to offer, where the HELL have you been?
Okay, I'm done. Thanks! :)
MW
Is there a decent guy out there that has no baggage? I don't think there is. More importantly, I can't seem to wrap my mind around why women who don't HAVE baggage fall for guys with it? It's like we want to take on some of their baggage so that they have less. I don't know about you, but I'm all set with that.
Someone close to me is seeing someone who just got divorced. Now even though things have been going really great, everyone seems to remind her not to invest all of herself into a man who probably has a whole deal of emotional issues that he has to sort out. But like I said last night, we can't help who we fall in love with.
On that note, this guy has managed to do all the right things so far but I'm slowly seeing the end result of a great woman investing herself into a man that just does not deserve her.
Why do we do that? These men don't see a good thing when they have it. They'd rather fuck around with high school girls or drunk women at bars. Why? Why does this happen? Because for the life of me, I can't seem to understand why a man can take a look at every great thing that you are and decide,"I'm gonna try else where."
If someone could PLEASE explain this too me, it would be awesome! Oh and if you are one of those guys who appretiates a women for who she is and what she has to offer, where the HELL have you been?
Okay, I'm done. Thanks! :)
MW
Friday, November 26, 2010
" Not ready for a fix."
Since the last time I talked to you, I had a big epiphany. For months now, I've been analyzing every part of my love life wondering what it is about me that makes men not want to commit. I finally and almost stupidly came to the conclusion that it is NOT me, it's them. I know that sounds obvious, but a lot of the time we don't see those types of things no matter how obvious they are. It's easier to blame it on ourselves because at least we have the power to change ourselves, but not others.
When everything in our life is going good, you tend to stress on one aspect to keep yourself occupied. For some people its their job, others it's money, for me it's love. Call me optimistic but I still believe with everything in me that there is one person in the world that will change everything you believe about yourself. This doesn't necessarily mean they will spend their life with you or that they'll even love you back, but things have a way of happening and shaking us down to our core.
With this new found knowledge, that every man I've ever dated was a total and utter douche bag, I now see the pattern in which I date. I choose men who aren't looking for something stable and reliable. I choose men who are just out of a marriage or relationship, who have always saw me as just a friend, who are leaving for Iraq, who live miles and miles away. MaybeI crave the romanced involved in that or almost enjoy the thrill of it all. I remember having a conversation with my sister recently and we were trying to figure out the common factor in all these guys because they all did the same thing, they left me or just didn't commit. Then I would drown in my sorrows and obsess for a couple months before finding the next best disaster. What's the common factor in all these men? They're all looking for an escape. They're looking for something temporary, not something that makes them stick and stop running around in circles. I also came into the realization ( thanks to a dear friend ) that I'm the fix. I'm stability, I'm realization, I'm real. These men don't choose me because they don't want a fix. They want to keep going the route they are because of whatever circumstance they're in.
Side note*** (I know if you don't know the situations with these men, it sounds as if I was just a rebound, but it was never like that. It was always some crazy romance or crazy dating game. Feelings would be invested on both parts, but it would never work out. Hence why I'm trying to figure this all out. I've stayed friends with a good amount of my exs and I'm proud to say they all say loving things about me. )
Now I know what you're thinking. I have the power to stay away from these men. But do I? Can we help who we fall in love with? I don't think we do. What I do have the power of is walking away when I should. Falling in love is nothing to be ashamed of, but getting walked all over? That is. Once a man stops showing that he doesn't care as much as I do, I should be walking away, not trying to make him see how sexy I am, or how much we have in common, or how to miss me. He knows. I don't have to remind him. But we always want what we can't have right? So I continue to torture myself until someone new comes along that showers me with attention.
This very attractive gentlemen stopped me on my way out of the mall today. He was trying to raise money for Teen Challenge, which is an organization for people who have hard lives and need help, usually because of drugs and alcohol. Not only did I get to flirt with this adorable man ( I should have gave him my number) but I donated money to them. I walked out of that mall with my head held high and a big smile on my face. Not only because this guy just flirted with me for 10 minutes, but because I just helped a lost teenager.
So what's the moral of today's chit chat? Stop settling and do some good! I wish I could speak to teenage girls and tell them to never let a guy make you feel like who you are isn't worth being with or enough. You are enough. And if a man doesn't show you that, hold your head high and run away! There will be another guy who will come along and be really happy you did.
I've gotten into the habit of chanting, "I'm a fix, I'm a fix, I'm a fix," every time I start to get down on myself. My life is my own and instead of investing my love into a man that doesn't want it, I'm going to invest it into not only the people that DO want it, but the people who need it.
Oh and dating? I'm gonna stop for awhile. It's been awhile since I just dealt with myself for a bit and I don't need a man to make me complete. I think the best way to think about it is if I stay around waiting for him to love me, I'll miss out on the guy that will without question.
I'm very blessed to have a good head on my shoulders, a warm bed every night, and a big heart that sees the good things more than the bad. Our potential is only what we make it. So for now, I'm gonna hold my head high, take my pride, and walk out that fucking door! I'm not your escape and you're not ready for a fix.
MW
When everything in our life is going good, you tend to stress on one aspect to keep yourself occupied. For some people its their job, others it's money, for me it's love. Call me optimistic but I still believe with everything in me that there is one person in the world that will change everything you believe about yourself. This doesn't necessarily mean they will spend their life with you or that they'll even love you back, but things have a way of happening and shaking us down to our core.
With this new found knowledge, that every man I've ever dated was a total and utter douche bag, I now see the pattern in which I date. I choose men who aren't looking for something stable and reliable. I choose men who are just out of a marriage or relationship, who have always saw me as just a friend, who are leaving for Iraq, who live miles and miles away. MaybeI crave the romanced involved in that or almost enjoy the thrill of it all. I remember having a conversation with my sister recently and we were trying to figure out the common factor in all these guys because they all did the same thing, they left me or just didn't commit. Then I would drown in my sorrows and obsess for a couple months before finding the next best disaster. What's the common factor in all these men? They're all looking for an escape. They're looking for something temporary, not something that makes them stick and stop running around in circles. I also came into the realization ( thanks to a dear friend ) that I'm the fix. I'm stability, I'm realization, I'm real. These men don't choose me because they don't want a fix. They want to keep going the route they are because of whatever circumstance they're in.
Side note*** (I know if you don't know the situations with these men, it sounds as if I was just a rebound, but it was never like that. It was always some crazy romance or crazy dating game. Feelings would be invested on both parts, but it would never work out. Hence why I'm trying to figure this all out. I've stayed friends with a good amount of my exs and I'm proud to say they all say loving things about me. )
Now I know what you're thinking. I have the power to stay away from these men. But do I? Can we help who we fall in love with? I don't think we do. What I do have the power of is walking away when I should. Falling in love is nothing to be ashamed of, but getting walked all over? That is. Once a man stops showing that he doesn't care as much as I do, I should be walking away, not trying to make him see how sexy I am, or how much we have in common, or how to miss me. He knows. I don't have to remind him. But we always want what we can't have right? So I continue to torture myself until someone new comes along that showers me with attention.
This very attractive gentlemen stopped me on my way out of the mall today. He was trying to raise money for Teen Challenge, which is an organization for people who have hard lives and need help, usually because of drugs and alcohol. Not only did I get to flirt with this adorable man ( I should have gave him my number) but I donated money to them. I walked out of that mall with my head held high and a big smile on my face. Not only because this guy just flirted with me for 10 minutes, but because I just helped a lost teenager.
So what's the moral of today's chit chat? Stop settling and do some good! I wish I could speak to teenage girls and tell them to never let a guy make you feel like who you are isn't worth being with or enough. You are enough. And if a man doesn't show you that, hold your head high and run away! There will be another guy who will come along and be really happy you did.
I've gotten into the habit of chanting, "I'm a fix, I'm a fix, I'm a fix," every time I start to get down on myself. My life is my own and instead of investing my love into a man that doesn't want it, I'm going to invest it into not only the people that DO want it, but the people who need it.
Oh and dating? I'm gonna stop for awhile. It's been awhile since I just dealt with myself for a bit and I don't need a man to make me complete. I think the best way to think about it is if I stay around waiting for him to love me, I'll miss out on the guy that will without question.
I'm very blessed to have a good head on my shoulders, a warm bed every night, and a big heart that sees the good things more than the bad. Our potential is only what we make it. So for now, I'm gonna hold my head high, take my pride, and walk out that fucking door! I'm not your escape and you're not ready for a fix.
MW
Thursday, November 18, 2010
"Funny when you're dead how people start listening."
Ahh I finally have some down time where I'm able to talk to you. What a crazy week!
Work has been busy, like it always is. I am honestly so thankful to have a job that keeps me occupied all day because I have no idea what I would do if I was still working part time and had all that time to think. As you can tell I already think way to much, so you can imagine what it's like when I have even more time on my hands.
I had an epiphany this week. I say this not only because I've opened my eyes to certain situations in my life, but I've actually started moving forward.
One step at a time, that's what they say. Even though this saying holds a lot of value, I like to say,"Take a few steps at a time," And if you step back every once and a while, at least your still farther from where you started, as long as you don't go all the way back. I'm going to start applying this to my life. Little by little, I've managed to change some things about myself that needed some work on. I still have a long way to go until I'm happy with myself, but I'm getting there.
I spent a majority of my week at my sisters after work. I pretty much live there during the week at night. I laughed at my 2 year old nephew who bounced up and down flapping his arms around like the rapper on the music video playing on the computer. I'm pretty sure he's the cutest little boy in the world and I love bragging about him!
My niece had her 3rd birthday this week and I still can't believe it. It feels like yesterday I was babysitting this little newborn who cried every 2 seconds if you weren't holding her. She's going to be one hot ticket. When I tell her no or take something away that she shouldn't have, she looks at me and says, "SHH! I'm gonna call the cops on you!" Then proceeds to take out her "phone" and call the cops on me. HA! I love it, makes me smile just thinking about it.
Tonight was extremely eventful. I went over after the kids had gone to bed and enjoyed some dinner with just my sister. My brother-in-law is away for work and I've been able to have quality sister time! I'm happy to admit that we literally spent all night watching prank youtube video's and SNL skits. I could go on for days about the little inside jokes we have, but I doubt you would understand. We then continued to talk about relatives and how the holidays are going to be ridiculous. She told me about how she had a 3 hour phone conversation with our grandmother the other day and she went on and on about the silver jump suit she bought my sister and how AMAZING it would look on her... umm yah... haha It's all in good humor though because we know where her heart is.
Tomorrow's the weekend and I'm extremely excited to see what it brings. Every weekend is a new adventure and some kind of new story. I'm starting to finally feel like myself again.
I was watching that show Millionaire Matchmakers tonight. You know that Patty girl who matches Millionaires with Millionaires. Besides my jealousness of these Millionaires, I feel bad for them and that they have to spent tons of money to pay someone else to basically pick someone for them.
On tonight's episode there were two women millionaires. The first woman was incredibly beautiful and had a really good head on her shoulders with a really great career. Her career was her life and she earned every part of it. Even though this is a great quality to have as a woman, it hurts her love life. Not only could she be deemed as "high maintenance" but she was use to the celebrity world and expected that from every man she met. It made me a little sad to see that such a successful woman had trouble finding the right man. When we can't find love, we're encouraged to focus on ourselves and do what we need to do to make ourselves happy. Well she did that, but does that mean that we have to sacrifice love? Does that mean that love wont find us? It also makes me wonder if she was always that way, driven to have this amazing career. Or did she get hurt from a man and decide screw it, I'm going to make something of myself.
Then there was Millionaire number 2. She was a mess. She was DEFINITELY going through a mid-life crisis and had no idea who she was at the age of 46. A woman who had been married for 17 years and suddenly found herself acting like she was 18 all over again. It's actually scary. Here's a woman who probably gave everything she had into her marriage and afterward even though she looked great and had her life together, was a complete mess. Is this what happens? She went of a date with a really great guy and the entire time she wasn't relaxed. She was uptight and came off very fake. It makes me sad seeing a woman fall apart like that and not be able to open herself up to a man. I feel thankful to know that I haven't lost faith in myself and that I'm not nearly as damaged as this woman.
When your life falls apart, we either pick ourselves up off the floor and make something of our lives, Millionaire number 1, or we fall apart and make a mess of who we are, Millionaire number 2. Either way, we still end up alone. How do we stop it? Do we continue to take those chances? Or do we guard ourselves? Is it insensitive or smart? Maybe both woman are insecure deep down and its not about having a great career or appearing to be okay. Maybe it's about truly moving on and being comfortable in your own skin. Maybe once we're secure with who we are and where we're going in life, that's the only time that you're able to see and appreciate another individual who is in the same place in their life. And that's the love you wait for. Because it's not tainted or taken for granted. You love them because you want to love them not because you need to.
Maybe that's the adventure that I need to go on. The one with myself. So that when it's all said and done, I won't need love from another person because the love I have for myself will be more than enough. The love from the people around me and from a special person, it'll be a gift, that I won't take for granted in any way.
Until Next Time, Over N' Out!
MW
Work has been busy, like it always is. I am honestly so thankful to have a job that keeps me occupied all day because I have no idea what I would do if I was still working part time and had all that time to think. As you can tell I already think way to much, so you can imagine what it's like when I have even more time on my hands.
I had an epiphany this week. I say this not only because I've opened my eyes to certain situations in my life, but I've actually started moving forward.
One step at a time, that's what they say. Even though this saying holds a lot of value, I like to say,"Take a few steps at a time," And if you step back every once and a while, at least your still farther from where you started, as long as you don't go all the way back. I'm going to start applying this to my life. Little by little, I've managed to change some things about myself that needed some work on. I still have a long way to go until I'm happy with myself, but I'm getting there.
I spent a majority of my week at my sisters after work. I pretty much live there during the week at night. I laughed at my 2 year old nephew who bounced up and down flapping his arms around like the rapper on the music video playing on the computer. I'm pretty sure he's the cutest little boy in the world and I love bragging about him!
My niece had her 3rd birthday this week and I still can't believe it. It feels like yesterday I was babysitting this little newborn who cried every 2 seconds if you weren't holding her. She's going to be one hot ticket. When I tell her no or take something away that she shouldn't have, she looks at me and says, "SHH! I'm gonna call the cops on you!" Then proceeds to take out her "phone" and call the cops on me. HA! I love it, makes me smile just thinking about it.
Tonight was extremely eventful. I went over after the kids had gone to bed and enjoyed some dinner with just my sister. My brother-in-law is away for work and I've been able to have quality sister time! I'm happy to admit that we literally spent all night watching prank youtube video's and SNL skits. I could go on for days about the little inside jokes we have, but I doubt you would understand. We then continued to talk about relatives and how the holidays are going to be ridiculous. She told me about how she had a 3 hour phone conversation with our grandmother the other day and she went on and on about the silver jump suit she bought my sister and how AMAZING it would look on her... umm yah... haha It's all in good humor though because we know where her heart is.
Tomorrow's the weekend and I'm extremely excited to see what it brings. Every weekend is a new adventure and some kind of new story. I'm starting to finally feel like myself again.
I was watching that show Millionaire Matchmakers tonight. You know that Patty girl who matches Millionaires with Millionaires. Besides my jealousness of these Millionaires, I feel bad for them and that they have to spent tons of money to pay someone else to basically pick someone for them.
On tonight's episode there were two women millionaires. The first woman was incredibly beautiful and had a really good head on her shoulders with a really great career. Her career was her life and she earned every part of it. Even though this is a great quality to have as a woman, it hurts her love life. Not only could she be deemed as "high maintenance" but she was use to the celebrity world and expected that from every man she met. It made me a little sad to see that such a successful woman had trouble finding the right man. When we can't find love, we're encouraged to focus on ourselves and do what we need to do to make ourselves happy. Well she did that, but does that mean that we have to sacrifice love? Does that mean that love wont find us? It also makes me wonder if she was always that way, driven to have this amazing career. Or did she get hurt from a man and decide screw it, I'm going to make something of myself.
Then there was Millionaire number 2. She was a mess. She was DEFINITELY going through a mid-life crisis and had no idea who she was at the age of 46. A woman who had been married for 17 years and suddenly found herself acting like she was 18 all over again. It's actually scary. Here's a woman who probably gave everything she had into her marriage and afterward even though she looked great and had her life together, was a complete mess. Is this what happens? She went of a date with a really great guy and the entire time she wasn't relaxed. She was uptight and came off very fake. It makes me sad seeing a woman fall apart like that and not be able to open herself up to a man. I feel thankful to know that I haven't lost faith in myself and that I'm not nearly as damaged as this woman.
When your life falls apart, we either pick ourselves up off the floor and make something of our lives, Millionaire number 1, or we fall apart and make a mess of who we are, Millionaire number 2. Either way, we still end up alone. How do we stop it? Do we continue to take those chances? Or do we guard ourselves? Is it insensitive or smart? Maybe both woman are insecure deep down and its not about having a great career or appearing to be okay. Maybe it's about truly moving on and being comfortable in your own skin. Maybe once we're secure with who we are and where we're going in life, that's the only time that you're able to see and appreciate another individual who is in the same place in their life. And that's the love you wait for. Because it's not tainted or taken for granted. You love them because you want to love them not because you need to.
Maybe that's the adventure that I need to go on. The one with myself. So that when it's all said and done, I won't need love from another person because the love I have for myself will be more than enough. The love from the people around me and from a special person, it'll be a gift, that I won't take for granted in any way.
Until Next Time, Over N' Out!
MW
Saturday, November 13, 2010
"If love is ocean wide, we'll swim through the tears we cried."
I'm starting to worry that I'm getting writers block. I tend to forget to write about the important stuff because I'm too busy living it. I have to remember that the good stuff is worth writing about. I like to write about the bad stuff because that way it's at least out of my mind, but just because I write about the good stuff doesn't mean it's going to be lost from my mind.
On that note. Things have been going a lot better than they were 3 weeks ago. I've noticed more and more the people in my life that love me and I'm grateful more and more each day. Life's too short to not recognize the good things we DO have.
My best friend, Miss Air Force. She went back to Japan. I didn't even say goodbye. I miss her already. We had a really great couple weeks and I have to say that I'm really glad that she was here when things were falling apart around me. It's funny how some things work out. I was worried that I was going to be too occupied with other things and I would neglect to spend time with her, but I spent all my time with her and I don't regret one part of it.
Last week I went on a date. He was nice. That's all I can really say though. His car smelt like cow shit ( I didn't judge), but if that wasn't enough to turn me off him talking about how women "just date him to have someone good looking on their arm" (as if he is gods gift)surely ruined my appetite for the evening. I straggled to my sisters afterward with everyone to have an amusing night of drunken stupidity. I was able to forget Cow Shit Boy and flirt with my ex boyfriend who was there for an ego boost(don't judge).
I spend the next day hung over and doing absolutely nothing, it was productive!
This past week went by nice and fast though, especially with the nice holiday Thursday. ( Thank you veterans for keeping us all safe )
I spend the day about 45 minutes from home with some good friends and enjoyed a day of doing nothing. We walked around shops, got some lunch, went to the mall, checked out men. Which reminds me...
We stopped at a little lunch nook for some grub. This attractive construction worker came in. I noticed him quickly but was so absorbed in whatever I was talking about, I didn't pay much attention to him. That was until he had gotten his food and started walking toward his seat. I glanced at him, he nodded, and smiled. I blushed and briefly imagined him grabbing me, kissing me intensely, and throwing me on the table to take me right then and there. Hey a girl can imagine. Then as we left, he sat sideways in his chair and continued to stare with one eyebrow raised as I put my jacket one. My fantasy popped back into my head. Thankfully we were going outside for some fresh air because OH BOY, it was getting hot in there. I laugh at it now but damnnnnnnnnnnnn! haha
We then went to the movies ( sneaking in our fast food in my GIANT purse, everyone does that right?) and saw a movie I had already seen. Not that I minded because any movie that makes me laugh is worth seeing over and over and over.
Today has been interesting. I woke up early and decided to catch up on two weeks of recorded shows that I have neglected to watch. My father came out ( upset that I claimed the television because he usually gets up before me and claims it himself)and we started talking about men. We got into a heated argument about how my mother recollects her and my fathers courtship before they got married. He swears he knew he wanted to be with my mother, but that he didn't want a girlfriend. She swears he didn't want a relationship or a girlfriend. Either way, he smartened up, and she lowered her expectations and here they are 22 years down the road and still passionately in love. I can only hope and wait for the day to come along when I can argue with my husband about how things went down when we were dating. haha
I then proceeded to go get my oil changed and visit with my garage boys that I can never get enough of seeing. After, I picked up Mister Savior and we went to clean my car. It's now nice and clean :) and sexy of course! We went and got some subway and now he's looking at me while I write this saying to himself, "LETS GO OUT!" haha But he's funny if he thinks I'm going out tonight.
Ever just have days when all you want to do is catch up on some sleep? That's what I need! My job is draining, my emotions have been even more draining, and all I really want to do is snuggle with my big comforter ( haha ) and shut my little cat like eyes and drift of into my unconscious where Mister Sexy Construction Worker makes me feel like a woman! HA I think my non existent sex life is getting to me...
Really though? I want something intense to happen. I've been catching myself daydreaming constantly. I think up little scenarios in my head that I want to happen. They're not really crazy things, just intense.
Anyways, I should go entertain Mister Savior... he may stop hanging out with me if he catches on to how boring I really am! ;) Just kidding, he's family, there's no getting rid of me! :D
Until Next time, Over N' Out!
MW
On that note. Things have been going a lot better than they were 3 weeks ago. I've noticed more and more the people in my life that love me and I'm grateful more and more each day. Life's too short to not recognize the good things we DO have.
My best friend, Miss Air Force. She went back to Japan. I didn't even say goodbye. I miss her already. We had a really great couple weeks and I have to say that I'm really glad that she was here when things were falling apart around me. It's funny how some things work out. I was worried that I was going to be too occupied with other things and I would neglect to spend time with her, but I spent all my time with her and I don't regret one part of it.
Last week I went on a date. He was nice. That's all I can really say though. His car smelt like cow shit ( I didn't judge), but if that wasn't enough to turn me off him talking about how women "just date him to have someone good looking on their arm" (as if he is gods gift)surely ruined my appetite for the evening. I straggled to my sisters afterward with everyone to have an amusing night of drunken stupidity. I was able to forget Cow Shit Boy and flirt with my ex boyfriend who was there for an ego boost(don't judge).
I spend the next day hung over and doing absolutely nothing, it was productive!
This past week went by nice and fast though, especially with the nice holiday Thursday. ( Thank you veterans for keeping us all safe )
I spend the day about 45 minutes from home with some good friends and enjoyed a day of doing nothing. We walked around shops, got some lunch, went to the mall, checked out men. Which reminds me...
We stopped at a little lunch nook for some grub. This attractive construction worker came in. I noticed him quickly but was so absorbed in whatever I was talking about, I didn't pay much attention to him. That was until he had gotten his food and started walking toward his seat. I glanced at him, he nodded, and smiled. I blushed and briefly imagined him grabbing me, kissing me intensely, and throwing me on the table to take me right then and there. Hey a girl can imagine. Then as we left, he sat sideways in his chair and continued to stare with one eyebrow raised as I put my jacket one. My fantasy popped back into my head. Thankfully we were going outside for some fresh air because OH BOY, it was getting hot in there. I laugh at it now but damnnnnnnnnnnnn! haha
We then went to the movies ( sneaking in our fast food in my GIANT purse, everyone does that right?) and saw a movie I had already seen. Not that I minded because any movie that makes me laugh is worth seeing over and over and over.
Today has been interesting. I woke up early and decided to catch up on two weeks of recorded shows that I have neglected to watch. My father came out ( upset that I claimed the television because he usually gets up before me and claims it himself)and we started talking about men. We got into a heated argument about how my mother recollects her and my fathers courtship before they got married. He swears he knew he wanted to be with my mother, but that he didn't want a girlfriend. She swears he didn't want a relationship or a girlfriend. Either way, he smartened up, and she lowered her expectations and here they are 22 years down the road and still passionately in love. I can only hope and wait for the day to come along when I can argue with my husband about how things went down when we were dating. haha
I then proceeded to go get my oil changed and visit with my garage boys that I can never get enough of seeing. After, I picked up Mister Savior and we went to clean my car. It's now nice and clean :) and sexy of course! We went and got some subway and now he's looking at me while I write this saying to himself, "LETS GO OUT!" haha But he's funny if he thinks I'm going out tonight.
Ever just have days when all you want to do is catch up on some sleep? That's what I need! My job is draining, my emotions have been even more draining, and all I really want to do is snuggle with my big comforter ( haha ) and shut my little cat like eyes and drift of into my unconscious where Mister Sexy Construction Worker makes me feel like a woman! HA I think my non existent sex life is getting to me...
Really though? I want something intense to happen. I've been catching myself daydreaming constantly. I think up little scenarios in my head that I want to happen. They're not really crazy things, just intense.
Anyways, I should go entertain Mister Savior... he may stop hanging out with me if he catches on to how boring I really am! ;) Just kidding, he's family, there's no getting rid of me! :D
Until Next time, Over N' Out!
MW
Monday, November 1, 2010
" A posted note of dreams."
Ahhh Happy late Halloween! How was your weekend? Mine was absolutely amazing. What started off as a slow start turned into one of the best weekends I've had in awhile. Friday night was dull. I stayed in, took a hot bath and caught up on some much needed sleep. Saturday was where it was at! HA
I woke up way too early for a Saturday and made my way upstairs to have my usual morning relaxation with my father. I then got myself off the couch, took a shower, and headed off to see the guys I use to work with at the shop. It made me realize how much I miss working with all them. They were all excited to see me and asked when I was coming back. They brighten up my day and boost my confidence. Sometimes a girl needs to be reminded how great she is.
The rest of the day consisted of walking through sand dunes and going through old freaky factories with Mr. Savior. I say he's mister savior because he seriously has brightened me back up to my sunshiny self. Of course this adventure didn't go without me tripping many times. Also there was a snake... yah I'm not getting into that. I hate snakes!
After much convincing, I got him to come to the Halloween party I attended. We went with a big group of people and I can't remember the last time I had that much fun. All in one night I almost fell down the stairs (shocker), got motor-boated I don't even know how many times, and saw a close friends tits right in my face... hmm WHAT was in that jungle juice?! I promise my life is not usually this intense. I safely got home and passed out drunk and happy.
Sunday was a day of re cooperation (which continued into today) and story telling about the crazy things that happened the night before. My sister actually did fall down the stairs! Hahaha!
Work was intense and I'm happy it's not going to be Monday anymore in about a half an hour. I went to dinner with Mr. Savior tonight and we went and played some pool afterword. The littlest things take my mind off shit, it amazes me and he just makes me feel so much better about myself. Mr. Savior is my cousin by the way and I come from a very close family. I love them to death and I don't know what I would do without them.
There are always 800 different emotions running through my mind all day but as long as I go to bed with a smile on my face I'll be okay. What's that saying? "Never frown, because you never know who's falling love with your smile." Life should be like that. No one wants to be around someone who is sad so I'd rather be happy even if somewhere deep down I'm a little sad. It'll pass. Nobody said it was easy.
The truth is, life is too short and precious to be anything but happy. We can spend our lives being sad or angry over the things that don't work out or over what we don't have but at the end of the day its not about what you don't have but what you do have. Appreciate the things you have and accept that you're going to get let down sometimes. Sooner or later this foreign feeling will spread over you. It's called happiness. It'll lighten everything up again.
I drove home from work today and the sky was a mixture of blue and pink and purple. You know when it looks like cotton candy. By the time I got home it was almost dark out but for about 10 minutes I drove down a straight road and just watched the sky change colors. Its magical how something can change so quickly.
One step at a time right? That's what I always tell myself when things get rough. I have this tendency to forget my strengths. It's in my loved ones that I remember what I'm made of. If I didn't have them to remind me, I'd probably crumble. I have the power to do anything I put my mind to. So I'm gonna get off my lazy ass and make my dreams come true. I don't mean the little shit, I mean the big stuff. There's no better time than now to do everything I dreamed off. I have this montage on my wall of posted notes. They all have different things I want to do before I die. I think it's time to start doing them and one by one taking them off the wall. Maybe replace them with pictures of proof that I did it. Well see. I'll figure it out, in the mean time it's time to start really living my life. I AM a twenty something year old with a big smile and some killer legs... what else do I need?? HA! Until next time, Over n' Out!
MW
Thursday, October 28, 2010
"We won't be leaving by the same road that we came by."
Tonight's topic: Hope. How do we get it, how do we hold onto it, and how we lose it.
I got up this morning and thought I was seriously going to die. I couldn't hear out of one ear. If I get an ear infection, I'm going to have serious problems. I'm emotionally and physically drained and I need a vacation bad. Work is work. I get the ultimate pleasure out of making fun of the guy on the phone who's name is Dickie. HA! Still makes me laugh when I think about it. Another weekend comes in, tomorrow is Friday. Ah what to do this Halloween weekend? We will see! If I'm not dying in bed and deaf that is!
I drove home from work and noticed this little leaf on my windshield wiper. It's been there for about 2 weeks now. I remembered when I first noticed it and laughed at how he held on for dear life. Weeks later I saw it make it through the wind, the rain, and get to see beautiful days like today. I thought to myself, "If a leaf that is barely hanging on by it's stem can stick it out through the shit than why can't I?" Gives you a little hope.
I went to my sisters tonight and smiled as I heard the little ones playing in the bath tub. My nephew was screaming at the top of his lungs, I thought he was my niece. My sister took them out and walked them into the bedroom. My mouth dropped open as my sister pointed out the orange crayon they decided to cover the walls with one night before they went to sleep. One day I am going to completely pull my hair out over my own children, then I'm going to think about it down the road and laugh. We went back downstairs and talked like we always do. Feels good to have someone you can just vent to. We both talked about how stressful things have been lately and decided on something to eat for dinner. I ended up finding out that she goes on my facebook to accept different friend requests for facebook games. I almost died laughing because I was wondering why it said I liked some game when I have never played a facebook game. HA! I love her.
Finally on my way home, I looked at the moon. It was a big crescent and the fog made it look magical. I wanted to pull over and just glare at it. It was warm out tonight so I opened my sunroof and rolled down my window. I turned the music up loud enough so that I couldn't hear my thoughts. I let the music run into my ears, under my skin, over my heart, and lost myself. Then I looked over at that leaf. Still holding on, still there. I'm not the type to believe that when you love something you let them go. I think you stay. You fight. You care. You hope. What I don't believe in is trying for someone who doesn't return it. When they show no sign of feeling the same way for you. Love isn't a one way street. It goes both ways. That's why we expect it in return when we give it. But when there's no hope that it's going to be returned, that's when you let go.
You should only deserve what you give, that's why we preach to treat others the way you want to be treated. You want me to treat you like shit? Okay ignore me and I'll show you what it's like to be ignored. You want to respect me? I will respect you back. You want to forget me? I'll forget you quicker. You want to love me? I will love you better than anyone else. Life is complicated, but love isn't. You make a decision. You decide whether to make it difficult or easy. Life might be complicated but it doesn't always have to be hard. There are some things, some decisions that are obvious, we're just scared. We're scared at realizing that all that pain and suffering was for nothing because if we had just listened to our instinct, we would be happy right now. And above all, we all want to believe that going through hard things in life is a right of passage. It foreshadows that good things are to come. But it doesn't! It means you should have let go when he fucked it up the 2nd , the 3rd, the 4th time. But you hold on. You hope that there is a tiny shred of something lingering. You hope that one day he's going to wake up and realize how great you are. But he won't. He won't see it. And you'll wake up every morning and hope that the leaf is going to fall off that god damn windshield wiper so you can get on with you're life and stop hoping.
Hope. It's what gets us through things and keeps us hanging on. I'm going to wake up tomorrow morning and take the leaf off my windshield wiper so that it can be put out of its misery. It's tattered and broken and barely hanging on by a thread. It's time to make my own hope and choose to make things easy. Some would say that I say too much, but I'd rather say too much than say nothing at all. Until next time, Over n' Out!
MW
I got up this morning and thought I was seriously going to die. I couldn't hear out of one ear. If I get an ear infection, I'm going to have serious problems. I'm emotionally and physically drained and I need a vacation bad. Work is work. I get the ultimate pleasure out of making fun of the guy on the phone who's name is Dickie. HA! Still makes me laugh when I think about it. Another weekend comes in, tomorrow is Friday. Ah what to do this Halloween weekend? We will see! If I'm not dying in bed and deaf that is!
I drove home from work and noticed this little leaf on my windshield wiper. It's been there for about 2 weeks now. I remembered when I first noticed it and laughed at how he held on for dear life. Weeks later I saw it make it through the wind, the rain, and get to see beautiful days like today. I thought to myself, "If a leaf that is barely hanging on by it's stem can stick it out through the shit than why can't I?" Gives you a little hope.
I went to my sisters tonight and smiled as I heard the little ones playing in the bath tub. My nephew was screaming at the top of his lungs, I thought he was my niece. My sister took them out and walked them into the bedroom. My mouth dropped open as my sister pointed out the orange crayon they decided to cover the walls with one night before they went to sleep. One day I am going to completely pull my hair out over my own children, then I'm going to think about it down the road and laugh. We went back downstairs and talked like we always do. Feels good to have someone you can just vent to. We both talked about how stressful things have been lately and decided on something to eat for dinner. I ended up finding out that she goes on my facebook to accept different friend requests for facebook games. I almost died laughing because I was wondering why it said I liked some game when I have never played a facebook game. HA! I love her.
Finally on my way home, I looked at the moon. It was a big crescent and the fog made it look magical. I wanted to pull over and just glare at it. It was warm out tonight so I opened my sunroof and rolled down my window. I turned the music up loud enough so that I couldn't hear my thoughts. I let the music run into my ears, under my skin, over my heart, and lost myself. Then I looked over at that leaf. Still holding on, still there. I'm not the type to believe that when you love something you let them go. I think you stay. You fight. You care. You hope. What I don't believe in is trying for someone who doesn't return it. When they show no sign of feeling the same way for you. Love isn't a one way street. It goes both ways. That's why we expect it in return when we give it. But when there's no hope that it's going to be returned, that's when you let go.
You should only deserve what you give, that's why we preach to treat others the way you want to be treated. You want me to treat you like shit? Okay ignore me and I'll show you what it's like to be ignored. You want to respect me? I will respect you back. You want to forget me? I'll forget you quicker. You want to love me? I will love you better than anyone else. Life is complicated, but love isn't. You make a decision. You decide whether to make it difficult or easy. Life might be complicated but it doesn't always have to be hard. There are some things, some decisions that are obvious, we're just scared. We're scared at realizing that all that pain and suffering was for nothing because if we had just listened to our instinct, we would be happy right now. And above all, we all want to believe that going through hard things in life is a right of passage. It foreshadows that good things are to come. But it doesn't! It means you should have let go when he fucked it up the 2nd , the 3rd, the 4th time. But you hold on. You hope that there is a tiny shred of something lingering. You hope that one day he's going to wake up and realize how great you are. But he won't. He won't see it. And you'll wake up every morning and hope that the leaf is going to fall off that god damn windshield wiper so you can get on with you're life and stop hoping.
Hope. It's what gets us through things and keeps us hanging on. I'm going to wake up tomorrow morning and take the leaf off my windshield wiper so that it can be put out of its misery. It's tattered and broken and barely hanging on by a thread. It's time to make my own hope and choose to make things easy. Some would say that I say too much, but I'd rather say too much than say nothing at all. Until next time, Over n' Out!
MW
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
"Worth it all"
*Fair warning, this blog does not end at all like it's starting!*
Tonight's topic: Forgiving and forgetting. Most times forgiving is the easy part, forgetting is what's difficult. There's a lot of different kinds.
The Forgiving but Never forgetting kind:
I talked earlier about how I lost a close friend, not physically but mentally, we're not friends anymore. I spoke of how I didn't wish her any harm, I hope she finds happiness. Through other friends, I ended up finding out that she doesn't miss me and that's not what bothers me because frankly I don't miss her either. What bothers me is when people put you down because they can't look at a situation and admit their wrong. Not only does is basically put down my entire friendship with her, but it makes her look guilty. I know she isn't happy, but then again I don't know her anymore. I know what would have made the old her happy but not this version of her. A girl who lets a man define her, rule her, control her and I use to think she was the most independent person I knew. Now more than ever I see the insecurities she hid from everyone. It makes me sad because there was a point in time when I was her shoulder and she was mine. She may not think it was that way but it was. I guess the naive part of myself thought that maybe there was some sign of her still in there, but considering the things shes still saying about me I see that's not possible. Everyone keeps asking me is I would be friends with her again. Would I forgive and forget. I don't think I would be truly over what happened if I couldn't forgive her. But I'll never forget everything that has happened with her. I'll never be friends with her again. I can say that and be okay with it because like I've said in the past, not everyone you love is meant to be in your life forever.
The Always forgiving and Always forgetting:
Last night when the sun was long gone, I sat out in my driveway and slowly felt the rain come crashing down on me. I felt the wetness on my face and remembered the nights I use to sit in that same spot and cry and laugh. That's what home is all about right? Coming back to a place that brings you back. I looked over to my side and my best friend sat there with me. We laughed and laughed and laughed. I'm so glad she's home. You don't realize how much you miss a person until you can't see them anymore even when you both want to. She picked me up off the ground countless times and I will always have the strongest love for her for that. She's the person that I fight with over stupid little shit. Granted I haven't fought with her in along long time, but we bicker but always get over it and forget the stupid things. Like how I used to get mad if she didn't wait for me after class to go get lunch. She's that person you keep in your life forever.
Then the Never forgiving and Never forgetting.
This usually occurs over a man. What's that saying? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I grew up thinking I wasn't good enough but knowing I was good enough. Hypocritical right? I knew deep down based off the values I was brought up with and the main man in my life, my father, that I was worth world. But after countless love affairs, I slowly started to think that I would never be good enough. A guy would always be looking for something better rather than seeing the gem he had right in front of him. Over and over, getting let down wares on you. I learned how to cope, how to move on quickly. A man screws me over, I'm done, I don't forgive them. But I never forget it. I have this knack for remembering a lot of details, to the point that I can name off each and every man I have ever kissed and rate them on a scale of 1 to 10. Weird I know! But I can.
So what's the trick? Which combination is the right one? You forgive too easily and you're weak. You don't forgive at all and you're a hard ass. You never forget and you live too much in the past, you always forget and you're just asking to get hurt. Or do we find the right combination based off the person. Like meeting a friend who's worth forgiving and forgetting for or meeting a guy that might fool you twice but will stick around and prove third times the charm.
I believe in the power of love more than anyone else I know. It lifts you up, it brings you right back down, and it makes you do the unthinkable. It's why we all desire it so much. I guess I was getting to the point that I wanted it so much I was willing to put up with less than I deserve just to get a glimpse of it. When people ask how do you know it's love? People say, "You know it when you feel it." But what happens when you know with every thing in your body that you feel it, and it lets you down. Does it mean that it wasn't real? Or does it teach us to recognize it when it does work and to hold onto it with absolutely everything possible.
I'm a confident woman, I have little insecurities everyone does, but I have genuine confidence. No I don't walk into a room with my head held high like a snot nosed Pris and think men should bow down to me, but I walk into a room and I smile. I look people straight in the face, I laugh without fear, and I walk like I'm on a mission. My girl friends use to snicker when we went out about how they'd want to go up to a cute boy and say hi. I would then grab my drink and walk right up to him. We can't let fear overcome us. It's one of the biggest things I learned growing up. I'm still learning it now. If we fear the little things, the big things will seem in possible. Like moving on from someone who ripped your heart out, or starting a new career, or having a baby. All the big things in life that we have to take full advantage of, it stems back to the little things. The fear to ask the pretty girl out, the fear to kill that big spider in the bathroom, the fear that you're not worth the world to someone. You get over your fears and you can accomplish anything, you're golden.
So here's to goodbye. Goodbye to fear, goodbye to insecurity. I am shutting the door on you and believing that I am worth more than what you make me feel. I am worth a man not being able to live without me, I am worth a friend needing my shoulder to cry on, I am worth following my dreams, I am worth being a talented writer, I am worth following my hear, I am worth being the best person I can possibly be. That's what life is about. Don't let anyone take your confidence away!
Until Next Time, Over n' Out!
MW
Tonight's topic: Forgiving and forgetting. Most times forgiving is the easy part, forgetting is what's difficult. There's a lot of different kinds.
The Forgiving but Never forgetting kind:
I talked earlier about how I lost a close friend, not physically but mentally, we're not friends anymore. I spoke of how I didn't wish her any harm, I hope she finds happiness. Through other friends, I ended up finding out that she doesn't miss me and that's not what bothers me because frankly I don't miss her either. What bothers me is when people put you down because they can't look at a situation and admit their wrong. Not only does is basically put down my entire friendship with her, but it makes her look guilty. I know she isn't happy, but then again I don't know her anymore. I know what would have made the old her happy but not this version of her. A girl who lets a man define her, rule her, control her and I use to think she was the most independent person I knew. Now more than ever I see the insecurities she hid from everyone. It makes me sad because there was a point in time when I was her shoulder and she was mine. She may not think it was that way but it was. I guess the naive part of myself thought that maybe there was some sign of her still in there, but considering the things shes still saying about me I see that's not possible. Everyone keeps asking me is I would be friends with her again. Would I forgive and forget. I don't think I would be truly over what happened if I couldn't forgive her. But I'll never forget everything that has happened with her. I'll never be friends with her again. I can say that and be okay with it because like I've said in the past, not everyone you love is meant to be in your life forever.
The Always forgiving and Always forgetting:
Last night when the sun was long gone, I sat out in my driveway and slowly felt the rain come crashing down on me. I felt the wetness on my face and remembered the nights I use to sit in that same spot and cry and laugh. That's what home is all about right? Coming back to a place that brings you back. I looked over to my side and my best friend sat there with me. We laughed and laughed and laughed. I'm so glad she's home. You don't realize how much you miss a person until you can't see them anymore even when you both want to. She picked me up off the ground countless times and I will always have the strongest love for her for that. She's the person that I fight with over stupid little shit. Granted I haven't fought with her in along long time, but we bicker but always get over it and forget the stupid things. Like how I used to get mad if she didn't wait for me after class to go get lunch. She's that person you keep in your life forever.
Then the Never forgiving and Never forgetting.
This usually occurs over a man. What's that saying? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I grew up thinking I wasn't good enough but knowing I was good enough. Hypocritical right? I knew deep down based off the values I was brought up with and the main man in my life, my father, that I was worth world. But after countless love affairs, I slowly started to think that I would never be good enough. A guy would always be looking for something better rather than seeing the gem he had right in front of him. Over and over, getting let down wares on you. I learned how to cope, how to move on quickly. A man screws me over, I'm done, I don't forgive them. But I never forget it. I have this knack for remembering a lot of details, to the point that I can name off each and every man I have ever kissed and rate them on a scale of 1 to 10. Weird I know! But I can.
So what's the trick? Which combination is the right one? You forgive too easily and you're weak. You don't forgive at all and you're a hard ass. You never forget and you live too much in the past, you always forget and you're just asking to get hurt. Or do we find the right combination based off the person. Like meeting a friend who's worth forgiving and forgetting for or meeting a guy that might fool you twice but will stick around and prove third times the charm.
I believe in the power of love more than anyone else I know. It lifts you up, it brings you right back down, and it makes you do the unthinkable. It's why we all desire it so much. I guess I was getting to the point that I wanted it so much I was willing to put up with less than I deserve just to get a glimpse of it. When people ask how do you know it's love? People say, "You know it when you feel it." But what happens when you know with every thing in your body that you feel it, and it lets you down. Does it mean that it wasn't real? Or does it teach us to recognize it when it does work and to hold onto it with absolutely everything possible.
I'm a confident woman, I have little insecurities everyone does, but I have genuine confidence. No I don't walk into a room with my head held high like a snot nosed Pris and think men should bow down to me, but I walk into a room and I smile. I look people straight in the face, I laugh without fear, and I walk like I'm on a mission. My girl friends use to snicker when we went out about how they'd want to go up to a cute boy and say hi. I would then grab my drink and walk right up to him. We can't let fear overcome us. It's one of the biggest things I learned growing up. I'm still learning it now. If we fear the little things, the big things will seem in possible. Like moving on from someone who ripped your heart out, or starting a new career, or having a baby. All the big things in life that we have to take full advantage of, it stems back to the little things. The fear to ask the pretty girl out, the fear to kill that big spider in the bathroom, the fear that you're not worth the world to someone. You get over your fears and you can accomplish anything, you're golden.
So here's to goodbye. Goodbye to fear, goodbye to insecurity. I am shutting the door on you and believing that I am worth more than what you make me feel. I am worth a man not being able to live without me, I am worth a friend needing my shoulder to cry on, I am worth following my dreams, I am worth being a talented writer, I am worth following my hear, I am worth being the best person I can possibly be. That's what life is about. Don't let anyone take your confidence away!
Until Next Time, Over n' Out!
MW
Sunday, October 24, 2010
"Scared of love but scared of life alone."
Woah two blogs in one day, I guess I'm feeling inspirational. This is a surprise, even to myself, but there's so much I left out earlier and I was in a little bit of a rush. Since this is my therapy I'm going to babble a bit with what happened this weekend more specifically.
Friday night was hilarious. One of my oldest girl friends came over. No she was not alone, she had Mr. Arbour Mist tagging along and made sure to keep me happy all night long! It was a ridiculous temperature outside so we decided to stay in and do some online gossiping. I'm sure you're wondering what that is exactly. I'm sure you know what online dating is, I sure do! We'll we decided to have some fun with our online accounts on a known dating service that I'm not going to mention. It's nice to actually get to be spoiled a little bit and have men feen over you a bit and you get to read each suitor and decide whether or not he seems like a sleaze ball or if he seems worth a shot. I do have to say though, that we weren't taking it that seriously but it makes for a good time and even better stories. I passed out pleasantly buzzed and happy I didn't have to wake up the next day.
I woke up at 7 am the next day to an extremely loud alert sound. It was my cell phone notifying me that I had a text message. One of my best friends is coming home from the air force ( who I haven't seen in a year and a half!), she landed today, and she decided to text me bright and early to let me know she was in the states. I do have to say I am looking forward to spending as much time possible with her over the next 2-3 weeks! Now that I couldn't fall back asleep, I decided to go upstairs and see what my father was watching. Weekend television is my favorite time to spend with my father. We watch all these different kinds of car shows ( we have a strange obsession with mustangs). I finally decided to get my ass off the couch sometime in the afternoon and went to this new Chinese restaurant with my sister. I love when you walk into a place and you're being seated and everyone decides to stare and watch as you go by, especially when you spot a group of guys you went to high school with... embarrassing! Ever eat something that tastes so good but you can't stop eating it because you want more? That's what happened. It made me pleasantly think about a certain someone, but I'm not going into that. Once I got back home I decided to turn my ipod on, stick my headphones in and dance around my bedroom in my underwear like I was 13 again. I was just praying my father didn't come into my room without me knowing because I didn't hear him knock on the door. After my lovely little workout, I reapplied my make up and headed to my older sisters house for game night. Mr. Arbour Mist came with :) This then lead to a night of laughter and smiles.
Today consisted of sleeping in, movie date with my sisters, and food shopping. I just finished eating dinner ( I made breakfast for dinner) and now I'm de-bloating and talking to all of you. Aren't you just lucky! The inner workings of my mind are confusing even to myself so god bless you if you can keep up. I'm hoping this week flies by and work isn't quit as stressful. Lately I've made some decisions that I'm trying really hard to believe were the right thing. I guess thats the point. We're never going to understand the world, but I guess we're not suppose to.
MW
Friday night was hilarious. One of my oldest girl friends came over. No she was not alone, she had Mr. Arbour Mist tagging along and made sure to keep me happy all night long! It was a ridiculous temperature outside so we decided to stay in and do some online gossiping. I'm sure you're wondering what that is exactly. I'm sure you know what online dating is, I sure do! We'll we decided to have some fun with our online accounts on a known dating service that I'm not going to mention. It's nice to actually get to be spoiled a little bit and have men feen over you a bit and you get to read each suitor and decide whether or not he seems like a sleaze ball or if he seems worth a shot. I do have to say though, that we weren't taking it that seriously but it makes for a good time and even better stories. I passed out pleasantly buzzed and happy I didn't have to wake up the next day.
I woke up at 7 am the next day to an extremely loud alert sound. It was my cell phone notifying me that I had a text message. One of my best friends is coming home from the air force ( who I haven't seen in a year and a half!), she landed today, and she decided to text me bright and early to let me know she was in the states. I do have to say I am looking forward to spending as much time possible with her over the next 2-3 weeks! Now that I couldn't fall back asleep, I decided to go upstairs and see what my father was watching. Weekend television is my favorite time to spend with my father. We watch all these different kinds of car shows ( we have a strange obsession with mustangs). I finally decided to get my ass off the couch sometime in the afternoon and went to this new Chinese restaurant with my sister. I love when you walk into a place and you're being seated and everyone decides to stare and watch as you go by, especially when you spot a group of guys you went to high school with... embarrassing! Ever eat something that tastes so good but you can't stop eating it because you want more? That's what happened. It made me pleasantly think about a certain someone, but I'm not going into that. Once I got back home I decided to turn my ipod on, stick my headphones in and dance around my bedroom in my underwear like I was 13 again. I was just praying my father didn't come into my room without me knowing because I didn't hear him knock on the door. After my lovely little workout, I reapplied my make up and headed to my older sisters house for game night. Mr. Arbour Mist came with :) This then lead to a night of laughter and smiles.
Today consisted of sleeping in, movie date with my sisters, and food shopping. I just finished eating dinner ( I made breakfast for dinner) and now I'm de-bloating and talking to all of you. Aren't you just lucky! The inner workings of my mind are confusing even to myself so god bless you if you can keep up. I'm hoping this week flies by and work isn't quit as stressful. Lately I've made some decisions that I'm trying really hard to believe were the right thing. I guess thats the point. We're never going to understand the world, but I guess we're not suppose to.
MW
"Hello World"
Ahh what a weekend. And its not even over yet! I'm going to dedicate this blog to each and every person that I love in my life because I honestly don't know what I would do without them. Sometimes it takes something big to happen for you to really wake up and appreciate those that stick around. I stand by that. As someone who grew up with insecurity issues thinking that I had no one in this world, it sure as hell feels good to prove myself wrong. For every thing that has hurt me and made me feel like nothing, I thank every person who has lifted me back up again, myself included.
I talk all the time about following your heart or your head. Which one is the right one? We'll never know, it's one of the greatest mysteries in the world. I learned something this weekend though. It's not about following one or the other, it's about using them both. I quit smoking 8 weeks ago today. The past week has been the hardest. I want one when I'm stressed, after I eat, when I'm drinking, but I didn't. And the only way I can describe my will to resist is like this. When we want something, our heart aches for it. In this case, the only thing stopping me from giving in to my want is me head. I know it's going to hurt me down the road. No matter how much I want it, it's not good for me and I can't justify that. Even though I'm probably going to always want cigarettes, the want for them dies a little bit each and everyday.
This horrible analogy ultimately leads me to realize that life isn't always about choosing one or the other. Faith and will and strength. No matter what choice we make, fate's going to make sure that your life happens how it's suppose to be. Maybe that is a little optimistic but I'd rather live my life knowing that it'll work out down the road because I deserved it rather then stress about each and every move I make.
I woke up this morning and smiled. The sun came out and shinned through my window. Things are finally starting to fall into place and now more than ever I know that being a good person, loving with everything you've got, and moving on when you want to break down are qualities you would be blessed to have. I'm blessed, I'm happy, and I can't wait to see what happens next. Until next time, Over n' Out!
MW
I talk all the time about following your heart or your head. Which one is the right one? We'll never know, it's one of the greatest mysteries in the world. I learned something this weekend though. It's not about following one or the other, it's about using them both. I quit smoking 8 weeks ago today. The past week has been the hardest. I want one when I'm stressed, after I eat, when I'm drinking, but I didn't. And the only way I can describe my will to resist is like this. When we want something, our heart aches for it. In this case, the only thing stopping me from giving in to my want is me head. I know it's going to hurt me down the road. No matter how much I want it, it's not good for me and I can't justify that. Even though I'm probably going to always want cigarettes, the want for them dies a little bit each and everyday.
This horrible analogy ultimately leads me to realize that life isn't always about choosing one or the other. Faith and will and strength. No matter what choice we make, fate's going to make sure that your life happens how it's suppose to be. Maybe that is a little optimistic but I'd rather live my life knowing that it'll work out down the road because I deserved it rather then stress about each and every move I make.
I woke up this morning and smiled. The sun came out and shinned through my window. Things are finally starting to fall into place and now more than ever I know that being a good person, loving with everything you've got, and moving on when you want to break down are qualities you would be blessed to have. I'm blessed, I'm happy, and I can't wait to see what happens next. Until next time, Over n' Out!
MW
Friday, October 22, 2010
Just a feeling, just a feelin that I have."
Ahh late night writing. My favorite kind. When you can't sleep and you're mind can't help but wander. I've had a couple very interesting days. I know I didn't get to you yesterday but I had a crazy day. Work was as usual, but I went to my sisters last night for sister night. I FINALLY got my little nephew to shout, "WAHOO!" and lift his hands up in the air on camera. When I walked in the door he looked at me and came running up to me with this big smile on his face. I live for that shit! HA! We decided to play Clue Jr. with my 8 year old nephew. It was interesting to watch as we all (adults) basically were cheating and scolding my nephew when he tried to cheat.
After having a few laughs I went home and drifted into the unconsciousness. I had the strangest dream that I can't seem to get out of my mind. I was walking through this beautiful green garden. I wore this long white flowing dress. Almost like what a fairy would wear. Everything had glitter on it and I was running through trees looking for something. I got to the end and an open field of purple flowers lay in front of me. I started dancing through them and looked up at the sun. It was talking to me. I wish I could remember what it was saying. I woke up before I could find out what happened next. Maybe its my minds way of saying head toward the field of flowers and the sunlight aka happiness.
Happiness is what we make it. Happiness isn't an object, it isn't an action, it's a feelings. A sense of well being. We can only find it when we stop asking ourselves if we have it. At that point in time it wont matter whether we have it or not. Just like the best kind of revenge is not caring if your actually bestowing it upon them.
I looked through some old pictures of some old friends tonight and for a brief moment I missed it. I wouldn't say so much it was them I missed because they're not the same people that are in the pictures. I miss having friends I feel that way about. Don't get me wrong I still have very close friends, but I miss the fun I had with them. After about 10 minutes I came down from my memory. I had to remember that I'll feel that way again about new friends or the ones I still have that I'm so grateful for.
I can honestly say I will never go back to that phase of my life, because that's what it was, a phase. A phase that helped shape me into the person I am now. Not everyone you ever loved is meant to be in your life forever. Some people are meant to come in and out and leave an imprint on your heart and get you from a to b. Whats that saying? Some things fall apart so that better things can fall together. Ain't that true!
Anyways this weekend should be interesting, I'll try to update between events but until then I am off to bed and going to sleep in tomorrow! Until next time, Over n' Out!
MW
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
"It takes more to keep a girl like me."
I'm going to start tonight's blog backward and start with what I was literally just doing. I was watching poker with my father. Okay I know that sounds really boring but its my absolute favorite thing to do. Maybe not the poker part, but to just relax with him at night and laugh and talk. I jokingly said to him the other day that I was pissed he was in my life because I have such high expectations for men and he said, " Damn straight! And you better never settle for less!" I love him! :)
I strolled out of my house today, running late like always. The cold air made my breath visible. I jumped into my car and looked into the rear view mirror that's always turned toward me. My bare face looked worn, sad. The big bags under my eyes showed how little sleep I got the night before. I turned the music up in hopes that I could forget my thoughts. As I drive down the street I pier back in the mirror and try to smile. My face cracks and I quickly turn my eyes back onto the road ahead of me. Once I roll into work I slowly drag myself inside. Another day. (My coworkers thankfully know me enough already to know somethings wrong. My sister says I wear my emotions on my sleeves. She couldn't be more right.) Everyone offers comfort and I finally start to loosen up. I'm glad my job is so consuming because for 8 and a half hours I completely forget about the outside world and I'm sheltered in this big warehouse. I smile and laugh and crack jokes and forget for the day that when I walk out of the door things are exactly how I left them when I walked in. But I did something different today, I got into my car, picked the happiest song on my play list and blasted the music. I shouted at the top of my lungs the lyrics to the song. As I cruised down the road I looked ahead and saw the sun shine out of the clouds. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. My mouth opened wide into a huge smile. I knew at that moment everything was going to be okay. Because I'm a good person, and I love with my whole heart, and I care when I shouldn't, and I'm beautiful inside and out. So take that sadness, and anger, and hurt. I'm defeating you. And as for those who want to push me down and hurt me... you're in for a big surprise because karma's a bitch and I'm moving forward.
Anger, hurt, happiness, regret. I have this tendency to feel 6 different emotions in a day. First your hurt, then you're angry, then you're happy, and then finally the regret settles in. I've always been one to say that I'll never regret anything in my life no matter the circumstances. I can't decide if I regret the things I've done in the last 6 months. Taking a break from college, changing jobs, veering away from old friends, opening my heart too wide. I guess I never really realized how many risks I take in my life. I grew up cautious, I was the "mother" of the group. When did I start being careless? Maybe because I wasn't happy that way. Even though I feel pain with my new carelessness, I feel complete happiness at times. Everyone has their ups and downs, everyone has pain but I was scared of the pain so much that I guarded myself. Does that mean I never felt pain? Of course not, it just means I avoided it at all costs where as now I find myself letting go. When did it start? About 6 or 7 months ago I made a decision to take some time and focus on myself and really figure out not only who I am but what I want in with my life. This decision alone caused a chain reaction. Change started happening. Maybe change I wasn't really ready for but it started. I started becoming this completely different person. Not to say that was a bad thing. Soon after I bought a new car impulsively, then conveniently started a new job making more money, then friends who knew the old me started fading, then ultimately opened myself up to a guy I would have never let myself open up to. A situation where I would normally be a mess, I'm numb. Does this mean that I'm a bad person? I hope to god that it doesn't. I think I'm just growing up in a way I'm not use to. I'm use to being the mature one who does the right thing and I still try to do just that, but I've grown into my own skin. I accept what I am and where I want to go and taking risks are really just adventures to me. If you don't want to take that risk with me, it's your loss. Life can push pretty hard sometimes, but does that mean we let it defeat us? No way, we push back. No matter what happens in life, if you know who you are the rest will eventually follow. As for the bumps in the road? Life wouldn't be worth living if we didn't have something to remember. Most people think you have to learn from everything you go through but I believe its about the memories not necessarily the lessons. Its all comes back down to a memory. That's all moments are, they're memories. You can embrace them, move on, and smile about them from time to time or let yourself dwell in it and keep disappointing yourself when it doesn't happen how you want it to. The past is the past for a reason. I'm not worried about the people from my past, there's a reason they didn't make it to my future and if you don't want to be in that future, I will think of you fondly as either a memory, or an asshole. =)
I'm going to my sisters tomorrow night and I can't wait. I'm gonna laugh, cry ( from laughing) and enjoy being around people who love me exactly how I am. Who needs a man or fake friends when you have family? Until next time, Over n' Out!
MW
:)
Sunday, October 17, 2010
"Walking on the dark side of the evening, baby it was you that opened my eyes."
What a weekend! It flew by way too fast. Let's start with the weather. I wish everyday was like this weekend. The sun was shinning and the breeze was just enough to keep it cool so that a light jacket was just enough. I was able to get away Friday night to a town on the ocean. I know you're wondering what I was up to this weekend. I spend Friday night with some friends and laughed all the way until I got home last night. I ate good food, spent time with great friends, and got to be a complete bum with on alcohol involved! What is better than that?
Ever spend time in a place and feel like you cut out all the noise, all the tension, all the stress, and for one great long moment you're in this happy place? It's exact how I feel when I'm there. It's not just the friends, the laughs, or the fact that it's an hour away from the drama at home, but it's the atmosphere. It's the way the wind feels on my face, the way you can hear the conversation in the house next door when you're on the deck, the way night brings romance without trying to. It makes me sad whenever I have to come home and wake up to the real world, but it only makes me appreciate each time I go there.
I went to the grocery story today and literally wanted to kill myself. There was a point in time when I did have fun going to purchase food for the week. I planned out my dinners and lunches and laughed at the couple that can't decide on which kind of bread they wanted. "I want wheat!" "But baby I like the whole grain." " The whole grain makes me have really bad gas." The things couples talk about in public scares me a little bit. Today made my list of most annoying things to do on a Sunday at 3 pm. Traffic wasn't too bad so I cant complain about that, but its like all the old people who take 8 hours to get to the grocery store get there right at 3 pm and block isles or stand in front of the milk for 25 minutes trying to decide if they want whole milk or 1%. Dear all elderly folk, I would please love to get my grocery shopping done without getting stuck behind you or crash into you because you decide mid walk that you were gonna back up into me to go down the isle you just spent 3 minutes going by. That sounds mean, but if you ever saw the place I do my food shopping, you'd be thinking it. All this in laughter guys, I would never seriously bash elderly people, just venting here.
It's back to work tomorrow and I'm anticipating the next two weeks to be really tough because the CEO of my company will be there. Hopefully I'll be able to get away at some point in between. So in light of this, I am sorry if I get to right to you often, although I promise I'll try.
I had this really great date planned tonight. This really great, handsome, stand up guy who has his shit figured out wanted to take me out. Any girl would be lucky to have him take them out and I canceled it. Why you ask? I can't figure that out. Just a feeling? Just an impulse? Because what I want is so close but so far away. Because I'm already seeing someone who makes even a great guy hold no comparison. Because I'm really stupid basically. At this point in time, it seems like I'm at a crossroads. My hearts pulling me one way and my heads pushing me in the complete opposite direction. Makes you wonder why they can't agree on anything. I spent the weekend trying to weight the options. Risk it or close myself off. I write about all the guys that turn out to be disappointments. But none of them really made me scared to feel. He does. What makes it happen like that? Is it the thrill of the fall? Is it the fire I feel when he touches me? Is it just a romanticized idea that I can't help but create in my head? Or is it real? Is it how I'm completely myself around him? Is it how I can't stop laughing when I'm with him? Is it how my body tingles every time he kisses me? I'm going to have to keep taking it day to day. Maybe at some point I'll be able to answer my questions. Time always answers questions. I've always been one to go with my heart and hopefully I didn't make the wrong decision tonight. Time will tell. Until next time, Over n' Out!
MW
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
"I'm a satellite heart lost in the dark, I'm spun out so far you stop I start, but I'll be true to you."
So I'm upset. I just wrote this entire blog for you tonight and when I went to post it, there was a server error and I lost my entire blog which I was very proud of so lets see if I can make another one just as good with all the right details.
Today was a beautiful fall day. I walked out of the house in my new little white fleet coat and brown uggs excited that I'm actually able to wear these without sweating. I strolled over to my dew covered car and made my way to work. I love Fall. I would say that it's my favorite season but that would be a lie. I love all the seasons and feel grateful that we have defined seasons that we're able to really enjoy ( and hate) in its own way. There's fall's leaves, winter's snow, spring's rain, and summer's heat. All of these leave room for some romantic imagination which lets face it, if we didn't have any imagination life would be boring and pointless.
Last night after I logged off from you all, I had somewhat of an emotional night. I'm actually very proud of myself for getting up this morning and getting through another day. You see after I wrote to you all, I took a minute and looked through all the different pictures I have of my grandfather which if you have been reading from the beginning you would know that he died last December. Besides my father, he was the best man I knew. There's this one picture of him on the couch, he cant be older than 35 and hes leaning into my uncle when he was younger. He looks happy and peaceful. He wasn't ashamed to show his love for his family or my grandmother for that matter, who was the love of his life. You see my grandfather and grandmother raised 8 kids in a 3 bedroom house so you can imagine the chaos. But each and every one of their children turned out to be the most loving and strongest people I know. I feel truly blessed to have their genes.
After my tearful trip down memory lane all I really wanted was to be held tight in bed and drift into unconsciousness with someone whispering comforting things in my ear. I thought I was going to get what I wanted, but you can guess that didn't happen. So I wept myself to sleep and remembered one of the greatest men alive. I have to remind myself that those types of men do exist, its just that the ones I meet have very big shoes to fill because I have very good men already in my family and life.
By the time I had made it to work this morning I had no time to really think about any personal problems because I get so caught up in work. 5:30 finally came around and I made my way home. Dinner ( pasta tonight) and television with my father followed. I sat on the opposite end of the couch with my hands resting behind my head, my legs on the ottoman, feet crossed and I peered over at my father. He was in the same exact position. Makes me smile that I'm so much like my father in that way.
Things are slowly getting better and I know that part of it is talking to you about all this. Even though you don't know who I am, it's nice to know that somewhere someone out there wants to take the time to read what my day is all about. Even if you do know my real identity, or what I really look like, or what I really do with my day, this is what really goes through my mind. These are the things that I think about at the end of the day. There's no getting any closer than this. So thank you... for giving a damn... your what gets me through the times I don't think I'll get through at all. Until next time, Over n' Out!
MW
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
"Love you sweet cheeks!" "Move on Baby, I complete you!"
Alright time for bigger and better things. Today was interesting. I woke up to the most obnoxious buzzing in my ear, oh yeah my alarm clock! HA! Ever have one of those mornings where the warm crease your body has formed in your intensely comfortable bed causes you to almost be late for work. These fall mornings are exactly that. I stretched my arms and made my way up the stairs to the shower, not without tripping once of course! :) After successfully getting myself put together for work without finding my way back to my bed, I strolled into the kitchen to make my lunch. As this was occurring, I jumped and spilt my salad all over the floor. What caused this you ask? I still don't know, but whatever made that loud sound in my chimney will probably keep me up tonight! That's right, I'm now convinced theres a bat in my chimney. CREEPY. So work was ummmm RIDICULOUS today! I swear god wanted to make me pay for having yesterday off. It was intense. Hopefully this just means that the work week will go by pretty fast. Speaking of work, I cringe thinking about the sound of my ringing phone, the clicking of my pen as I impatiently wait for the customer at the other end of the phone to decide whether or not he wants me to put insurance on his shipment or not. That really did happen! HA
Thankfully we all remember to laugh at work too. You see at work, I'm known as Miss Sunshine. No this is not because I have blonde hair, or smile a lot. Well I do smile a lot, but its because I act like a fool when its really needed. Like when my coworkers know that they're about to spend their entire day answering phones, I like to message them from across the room and remind them of the dick wade I'm dealing with on the phone cant POSSIBLE be as bad the one I'm putting up with, so smile! :D haha oh MW.
So despite my work humor, I walked into my house tonight with the intense aroma of garlic running through my nose. I thought I was going to DIE, I was so hungry. I stroll up the stairs, again not without tripping once ( LOL ) and see my lovely mother sweating in the kitchen. I mean she was literally sweating. I peered inside the oven and immediately started salivating. I cant even repeat what she made but it was the worlds best frigging pork chops. After lovely family conversation over dinner, I laughed at the lovey banter between my parents. You see my father has this really embarrassing hobby. He does crosswords in the bathroom. Like he'll actually be done with his business and sit on the toilet to finish it. Anyways, he's always trying to get my sister and I to do it, but a crossword puzzle is the LAST thing on my mind. Well tonight, as we're cleaning the kitchen, my father started chuckling. I ask him what he's laugh about. He then goes into detail about how he left my mother a little message in the crossword puzzle and she left him one back, but he did not think my mother left it. The message she left said, " Move on Baby, I complete you!" My mother said this as in a loving way of saying she completes my father and informing him to move on to the next puzzle. My father however thought it was one of us children, speaking in a little Mexican voice saying, " Move-on-baby-I-complete-you!!!"
I said to my father,"Dad you have some serious bathroom issues!"
Not only did this make me laugh for the rest of the night, but it did make me go look at the crossword puzzle and smile at the thought that my parents, who have been together forever, still leave each other these cute little messages. It makes me seriously not worry about whats going to happen in the future. Hopefully I'll meet someone to do toilet crossword puzzles with, and get to completely gross our kids by it. Until next time, Over n' Out!
MW
Monday, October 11, 2010
Please, please, please, let me get what I want
Alright now I know what you're all thinking right now. This girl does NOT know how to start things she finishes and I do apologize to all my readers who have been disappointed by my non posts. If I spent the time to right down everything that has happened in the last six months I would have the longest book to date.
Lets start here, I have a new job! YAY MW! I've been with this new company for awhile now and I have to say that although it has its stressful times, it feels so good to meet new people with new perspectives. It's also nice to get away from all the testosterone! I get my weekends to myself, I have a little extra money to pamper myself and I don't have to wake up at the crack of dawn. Have I ever mentioned I'm NOT a morning person? Not at all!! My sleep talking is probably a result of wanting to sleep much longer than a normal human being. HA!
I had this lovely holiday off. I say lovely not only because I did not have to work and got paid for it, but also because the weather was beautiful! I went to the park with my sisters and all the kids. It was hectic but nice at the same time.
Lately I find myself in kind of a drag ( is that the right word?) Everything in my life is changing, some for the good, some for the bad, but change is happening. Sometimes I want to laugh, sometimes I want to cry, sometimes I want to scream at the top of my lungs, "WHY ME?!!!" Then I remember that good things happen to good people but it didn't mean that bad things didn't happen to good people too. Bad things happen everyday. People die, people leave you, people eat the last snickers that you were really looking forward to eating! Seriously though, we have to remember that these are not the things that define us. The things that define us are what we do after bad karma comes to hit us in the face. Embrace it, cope, move on, make it through another day.
Very recently, I lost a best friend. She didn't die or anything but we had a falling out. It tested me, she was a big part of my life. She was like another sister, she was who I went to when there was no else there. It took me awhile to really see that just because we went separate ways does not mean that I feel any less about her. I care about her deeply and I always will, but I cant dwell in what happened. Do I think we will ever be friends again? No, I don't. Too much has happened and been said, but that doesn't mean I have to look back at our time together and grieve or get upset. If anything, being able to look at our friendship as beautiful for what it was makes me feel like I'll be okay and I'll move on from it. I'll make other friends, I'll love other people and trust again, but I'll be okay.
Moments don't have to define us, we decide to let them define us. Moments are just memories that either hold us in or lighten us up, but they're still just that, memories. I take pride in how I'm able to laugh and smile after just getting my heart ripped out. Because even though that pain is finding its way into every rip in my heart, it does not define me. It does not say whether I am a good or bad person, it does not tell me what I do and do not deserve, and it sure as hell is not what makes me get up every morning. You see there's always a staircase. You can either say on the ground or get up, walk up a step a day and eventually make your way out of the basement into the sunshine and do what you were meant to do, live. You make take a step back only to take a few steps up again, but you do it none the less. You make a conscious effort to not continue in the rut.
Wow that was depressing. I needed to get that off my chest. So here's my topic for the day: Love.
How we get it, how we lose it, how we take it for granted, and how we let it rule us. I walked around the park today and studied every parent. The single ones, the married ones, the ones that are just barely tolerating each other for their child. All different kinds of love, but love non the less. I walked my 20 month old nephew to the swings, he so badly wanted to go on it. When you're that age, all you want to do is go on the swings. Oh how I wish the biggest thing I wanted was to go on a swing. HA! Later on in the day I went over to my sisters CHAOTIC household and sat on the couch listening the whining and the yelling and the fighting over toys. I still don't know how my sister does it! It can be a big headache, but that's not why I go over there. I go there because my nephew calls me by the wrong name because he can't say mine, because my other nephew is excited to show me his wiggly tooth, because my little niece loves shutting me up in the middle of a conversation so I can watch her jump up and down. Yes its chaotic, but I wouldn't miss it for a thing. That's the kind of love people forget to look for. I could sit here and be depressed about how every man in my life continuously turns out to be a total douche bag and how no one loves me. But it's a lie. I have a big network of people who do love me, who do appreciate me, so yeah its sad that I still have not met a man who has decided that what he feels for me is strong enough to make him fight for me, but I'm okay with that because I have enough love around me that I'll be okay. I'm not falling on the floor. I'm not lost. I know exactly who I am, I know exactly where I'm going, and I don't need a man to remind me of that. My crazy, insane, overbearing, never ending thought process is all apart of what's made me this. MW. I'm the girl that will eat the last piece of cake, I trip up the stairs because I'm clumsy, I still cry when I watch Titanic, and I drift into my own world at times. I know who I am, I know who loves me and who I love. That's all I really need right now and if a man comes along, he's going to have to love the me that I love. Until next time, Over n' Out!!
MW
Lets start here, I have a new job! YAY MW! I've been with this new company for awhile now and I have to say that although it has its stressful times, it feels so good to meet new people with new perspectives. It's also nice to get away from all the testosterone! I get my weekends to myself, I have a little extra money to pamper myself and I don't have to wake up at the crack of dawn. Have I ever mentioned I'm NOT a morning person? Not at all!! My sleep talking is probably a result of wanting to sleep much longer than a normal human being. HA!
I had this lovely holiday off. I say lovely not only because I did not have to work and got paid for it, but also because the weather was beautiful! I went to the park with my sisters and all the kids. It was hectic but nice at the same time.
Lately I find myself in kind of a drag ( is that the right word?) Everything in my life is changing, some for the good, some for the bad, but change is happening. Sometimes I want to laugh, sometimes I want to cry, sometimes I want to scream at the top of my lungs, "WHY ME?!!!" Then I remember that good things happen to good people but it didn't mean that bad things didn't happen to good people too. Bad things happen everyday. People die, people leave you, people eat the last snickers that you were really looking forward to eating! Seriously though, we have to remember that these are not the things that define us. The things that define us are what we do after bad karma comes to hit us in the face. Embrace it, cope, move on, make it through another day.
Very recently, I lost a best friend. She didn't die or anything but we had a falling out. It tested me, she was a big part of my life. She was like another sister, she was who I went to when there was no else there. It took me awhile to really see that just because we went separate ways does not mean that I feel any less about her. I care about her deeply and I always will, but I cant dwell in what happened. Do I think we will ever be friends again? No, I don't. Too much has happened and been said, but that doesn't mean I have to look back at our time together and grieve or get upset. If anything, being able to look at our friendship as beautiful for what it was makes me feel like I'll be okay and I'll move on from it. I'll make other friends, I'll love other people and trust again, but I'll be okay.
Moments don't have to define us, we decide to let them define us. Moments are just memories that either hold us in or lighten us up, but they're still just that, memories. I take pride in how I'm able to laugh and smile after just getting my heart ripped out. Because even though that pain is finding its way into every rip in my heart, it does not define me. It does not say whether I am a good or bad person, it does not tell me what I do and do not deserve, and it sure as hell is not what makes me get up every morning. You see there's always a staircase. You can either say on the ground or get up, walk up a step a day and eventually make your way out of the basement into the sunshine and do what you were meant to do, live. You make take a step back only to take a few steps up again, but you do it none the less. You make a conscious effort to not continue in the rut.
Wow that was depressing. I needed to get that off my chest. So here's my topic for the day: Love.
How we get it, how we lose it, how we take it for granted, and how we let it rule us. I walked around the park today and studied every parent. The single ones, the married ones, the ones that are just barely tolerating each other for their child. All different kinds of love, but love non the less. I walked my 20 month old nephew to the swings, he so badly wanted to go on it. When you're that age, all you want to do is go on the swings. Oh how I wish the biggest thing I wanted was to go on a swing. HA! Later on in the day I went over to my sisters CHAOTIC household and sat on the couch listening the whining and the yelling and the fighting over toys. I still don't know how my sister does it! It can be a big headache, but that's not why I go over there. I go there because my nephew calls me by the wrong name because he can't say mine, because my other nephew is excited to show me his wiggly tooth, because my little niece loves shutting me up in the middle of a conversation so I can watch her jump up and down. Yes its chaotic, but I wouldn't miss it for a thing. That's the kind of love people forget to look for. I could sit here and be depressed about how every man in my life continuously turns out to be a total douche bag and how no one loves me. But it's a lie. I have a big network of people who do love me, who do appreciate me, so yeah its sad that I still have not met a man who has decided that what he feels for me is strong enough to make him fight for me, but I'm okay with that because I have enough love around me that I'll be okay. I'm not falling on the floor. I'm not lost. I know exactly who I am, I know exactly where I'm going, and I don't need a man to remind me of that. My crazy, insane, overbearing, never ending thought process is all apart of what's made me this. MW. I'm the girl that will eat the last piece of cake, I trip up the stairs because I'm clumsy, I still cry when I watch Titanic, and I drift into my own world at times. I know who I am, I know who loves me and who I love. That's all I really need right now and if a man comes along, he's going to have to love the me that I love. Until next time, Over n' Out!!
MW
Monday, April 12, 2010
Lines of confusion
Life. What a crazy and confusing concept. What defines it, what makes it whole, even what makes it worth it all. I wish that at my age I could confidently say that I had it all figured out, but unfortunately I do not. I had a long conversation with a friend today and he taught me something. Nothing is certain and if we all keep pretending that we know everything, we won't grow and we'll all end up disappointed. Life is all about the mistakes and the surprises, we shouldn't always try to label everything. Take it one day at a time, people say, but what does that really mean? Do we walk blindly into the future, or do we plan it out to avoid pain or suffering? But isn't life so much more worth it because we know what pain is so we can appreciate when things are blissful?
Oh so many questions and barely any answers. I thought for a short amount of time what I wanted to do with my life... in a straight forward line. But lately I find that the lines have curved and crisscrossed each other. I'm not sure about anything anymore. Things that brought me happiness slowly start to fade and change pretty much becomes inevitable. I have no doubt that when it comes down to that last day, on your death bed, with loved ones ( hopefully) surrounding you as you take your last breathe, that you think about memories and the great things in your life. You're not thinking, "oh my god I wish I had gotten a porshe." Material items are exactly that.. items. So who's to say you can't go and venture out and do those things that make you happy. Because happiness is what it's all about. It's the basis of love and life ( I believe). I sat on a hill with one of my best friends, soaked up the sun on this beautiful day, and truly thought about my life. We remembered all the great things about our friendship and defined our lives as of that day. What brought us there, what tore us down, what lifted us up. All these things intertwined together. I told him how I believe that you learn something out of everything and although he didn't share the same exact philosophy he shared how he believed that things that happened in life have brought you and made you to the person you are today.
After leaving him, I sat at home with my handy little journal and reminisced about everything I've ever written about. Both good and bad, I felt so thankful that even though I don't have it all figured out, I understand that I'll get there. I might not have the expensive car, the handsome husband, or the successful career but I'm happy right where I am at this point in time, and I'm okay with that. I'm excited to see what happens.. to unravel the messy knot of crisscrossing lines that are bound together to make up my life. As long as I always have love in my heart, a smile to share, and a warm hug ready to embrace, I'll be good... I'll be alright. Until next time, Over n' Out!
MW
Oh so many questions and barely any answers. I thought for a short amount of time what I wanted to do with my life... in a straight forward line. But lately I find that the lines have curved and crisscrossed each other. I'm not sure about anything anymore. Things that brought me happiness slowly start to fade and change pretty much becomes inevitable. I have no doubt that when it comes down to that last day, on your death bed, with loved ones ( hopefully) surrounding you as you take your last breathe, that you think about memories and the great things in your life. You're not thinking, "oh my god I wish I had gotten a porshe." Material items are exactly that.. items. So who's to say you can't go and venture out and do those things that make you happy. Because happiness is what it's all about. It's the basis of love and life ( I believe). I sat on a hill with one of my best friends, soaked up the sun on this beautiful day, and truly thought about my life. We remembered all the great things about our friendship and defined our lives as of that day. What brought us there, what tore us down, what lifted us up. All these things intertwined together. I told him how I believe that you learn something out of everything and although he didn't share the same exact philosophy he shared how he believed that things that happened in life have brought you and made you to the person you are today.
After leaving him, I sat at home with my handy little journal and reminisced about everything I've ever written about. Both good and bad, I felt so thankful that even though I don't have it all figured out, I understand that I'll get there. I might not have the expensive car, the handsome husband, or the successful career but I'm happy right where I am at this point in time, and I'm okay with that. I'm excited to see what happens.. to unravel the messy knot of crisscrossing lines that are bound together to make up my life. As long as I always have love in my heart, a smile to share, and a warm hug ready to embrace, I'll be good... I'll be alright. Until next time, Over n' Out!
MW
Monday, March 8, 2010
Sucking Lemons
At this point, I would have to say that I'm horrible at time managing this blog. Thankfully, when I'm feeling inspirational you're all there for me to entertain . :)
Today's akward topic: Girlfriend dates.
Ever have those points in life ( I'm speaking of women of course) where men suck balls, your family doesn't quite understand you, and your one getaway is your girl friends? Maybe I speak for myself, as a young women in my twenties and very very much.. single. My life consists of the good times, the memories, and the drunken mistakes... umm yeahhh.
Anyways, I went to lunch today with one of my closest friends, Miss Independent. We drank diet cokes and had a long discussion about how we don't need men over a delicious pizza that can only be described as dangerously filling. Apart from the obvious money saving in sharing a pizza, I have to say, getting to shove my face with an endless amount of salad, breadsticks, and pizza for cheap money with one of my best friends is far better than sitting across from an akward fellow as I try not to shove that huge piece of lettuce in my mouth and worry about whether or not I'll be paying for my meal. We talked about how enjoyable it is to get to go on girl dates whenever we wanted and not have a care in the world. I know what you're thinking, my friends name is Miss Independent, obviously our chit chat is going to be about how independent our lives should be. Well considering my life lately, Miss Independent offers me friendship and free therapy and I'm pretty sure those are both sensationable qualities.
Which brings up the question, why when life gives you lemons do we HAVE to make lemonade? Why can't we suck on those lemons? why can't we make a lemon marinade for some yummy chicken? Why do we have to take what life gives us and make it what everyone else thinks we should?
In my opinion, I don't have to date men. I can date my best and closest girl friends. I have a blast with them, I don't have to wonder what they're thinking, they tell me, and there's no akwardness. No no this isnt't some notion to go all lesbian on you. It's really a simple approach. I'm at a simple point in my life where focusing on myself is what I want to do. Men complicate things, at least for me that it is. Especially considering it's so diffcult for them to say, "Hey, I like you," or "Hey, I don't like you." Tip note to men: If she's sleeping with you, it's not because your awesome in bed, it's because she truely LIKES you! DUH! So until I meet a dashing (preferrably tall) handsome knight in shinning armor (hopefully in a sexy ride; horses are outdated ) with a sense of humor and nice teeth (optional), I'm gonna stick to simple, fun dates with my female loves. I'm enjoying the ride as long as I possibly can... that is assuming I do eventually.. hopefully.. meet that knight. God your living in a fantasy world MW!!! Until next time, Over n' Out!
MW
Today's akward topic: Girlfriend dates.
Ever have those points in life ( I'm speaking of women of course) where men suck balls, your family doesn't quite understand you, and your one getaway is your girl friends? Maybe I speak for myself, as a young women in my twenties and very very much.. single. My life consists of the good times, the memories, and the drunken mistakes... umm yeahhh.
Anyways, I went to lunch today with one of my closest friends, Miss Independent. We drank diet cokes and had a long discussion about how we don't need men over a delicious pizza that can only be described as dangerously filling. Apart from the obvious money saving in sharing a pizza, I have to say, getting to shove my face with an endless amount of salad, breadsticks, and pizza for cheap money with one of my best friends is far better than sitting across from an akward fellow as I try not to shove that huge piece of lettuce in my mouth and worry about whether or not I'll be paying for my meal. We talked about how enjoyable it is to get to go on girl dates whenever we wanted and not have a care in the world. I know what you're thinking, my friends name is Miss Independent, obviously our chit chat is going to be about how independent our lives should be. Well considering my life lately, Miss Independent offers me friendship and free therapy and I'm pretty sure those are both sensationable qualities.
Which brings up the question, why when life gives you lemons do we HAVE to make lemonade? Why can't we suck on those lemons? why can't we make a lemon marinade for some yummy chicken? Why do we have to take what life gives us and make it what everyone else thinks we should?
In my opinion, I don't have to date men. I can date my best and closest girl friends. I have a blast with them, I don't have to wonder what they're thinking, they tell me, and there's no akwardness. No no this isnt't some notion to go all lesbian on you. It's really a simple approach. I'm at a simple point in my life where focusing on myself is what I want to do. Men complicate things, at least for me that it is. Especially considering it's so diffcult for them to say, "Hey, I like you," or "Hey, I don't like you." Tip note to men: If she's sleeping with you, it's not because your awesome in bed, it's because she truely LIKES you! DUH! So until I meet a dashing (preferrably tall) handsome knight in shinning armor (hopefully in a sexy ride; horses are outdated ) with a sense of humor and nice teeth (optional), I'm gonna stick to simple, fun dates with my female loves. I'm enjoying the ride as long as I possibly can... that is assuming I do eventually.. hopefully.. meet that knight. God your living in a fantasy world MW!!! Until next time, Over n' Out!
MW
Sunday, January 31, 2010
"Duhh Dad!"
GUESS WHAT?! My birthday's tomorrow! Besides my absolute excitement toward that, my life has somewhat seemed normal for once. That was until last night. Ever have an enormous amount of feelings all at once. This lead to either a) screaming at people who did nothing to you, b) punching unnecessary holes in your walls, or c) crying your eyes out all night. I wanted to do d) all of the above, last night. Why you might ask? To make a long long story short, basically I have an insane amount of trust issues. This is a result of getting my heart broken way too many times. Not just from men. From friends, from family, etc. I'm not going to get into the gory details of what brought on the delusional behavior because frankly it's long and I highly doubt anyone could keep up.
This brings me to my topic today: trust. When I was 16, I got into a nasty car accident. Basically I wasn't suppose to have friends in my car because I had a juniors operating license. Once my parents got that dreaded phone call that every parent has nightmares about, they were furious to find out that I had lied to them earlier that night, telling them that I had no one in my car. This lead to a horrible grounding and the loss of my parents trust.
My father dragged me into the living room one night and had a heart to heart with me. He said to me, if you never lie to me ever again, you will always have my trust. At the time, I was thinking.. well duh dad! It didn't really hit me until about two years later when I was having a discussion with a girl at school, she was going on about how she had to hide everything from her parents. It dawned on me that despite the little arguments I had with my parents every so often, that I had an awesome relationship with my parents. I thought about it and said to myself.. oh my god.. my father was right! I never hide anything from my parents, because that's what growing up is all about. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone makes stupid decisions, but if you're always honest about it, there's always room forgiveness and growth.
I know this may seem completely obvious to most of you, but tonight I'm completely hooked on the idea that honesty and trust are the two biggest foundations of not only relationships (duh) but growing up. If you can't be honest to yourself, how can you be honest to other people? And if you can't be honest with other people, how can you expect trust? Makes you think.
I was raised to believe in the good in people. I was brought up expecting back exactly what I give. Treat others the way you want to be treat.. isn't that what we're all told from day one. Knowing who you are and being comfortable with it allows room for growth, for change. You should never have to change who you are as a person for someone else, but does that mean you can't change your actions?
When did not changing the core of you become an excuse to not care? When did being unemotional solve problems? It's one thing not to care what people think about you, it's another to not care how your loved ones feel about you. When did society start caring more about the external and less about the internal? Everyone wants to improve themselves, but what about their hearts, their values, their morals? Growing up is a funny thing, but if you can't be honest, you can't be truthful, and if you can't be truthful you have no trust.
So I want everyone to do me a favor right now, think about the last time someone did something for you out of the goodness of their heart... something they did just to show they loved you or cared about you or just wanted to put a smile on your face. Remember those people because they're the ones that matter, they are what make friendship and relationships and family mean something more. Don't ever take those people for granted because they're the ones who will pick you up off the ground when you can't get up. They are the ones that make the ride of your life worth living. Until next time, Over N' Out!
MW
This brings me to my topic today: trust. When I was 16, I got into a nasty car accident. Basically I wasn't suppose to have friends in my car because I had a juniors operating license. Once my parents got that dreaded phone call that every parent has nightmares about, they were furious to find out that I had lied to them earlier that night, telling them that I had no one in my car. This lead to a horrible grounding and the loss of my parents trust.
My father dragged me into the living room one night and had a heart to heart with me. He said to me, if you never lie to me ever again, you will always have my trust. At the time, I was thinking.. well duh dad! It didn't really hit me until about two years later when I was having a discussion with a girl at school, she was going on about how she had to hide everything from her parents. It dawned on me that despite the little arguments I had with my parents every so often, that I had an awesome relationship with my parents. I thought about it and said to myself.. oh my god.. my father was right! I never hide anything from my parents, because that's what growing up is all about. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone makes stupid decisions, but if you're always honest about it, there's always room forgiveness and growth.
I know this may seem completely obvious to most of you, but tonight I'm completely hooked on the idea that honesty and trust are the two biggest foundations of not only relationships (duh) but growing up. If you can't be honest to yourself, how can you be honest to other people? And if you can't be honest with other people, how can you expect trust? Makes you think.
I was raised to believe in the good in people. I was brought up expecting back exactly what I give. Treat others the way you want to be treat.. isn't that what we're all told from day one. Knowing who you are and being comfortable with it allows room for growth, for change. You should never have to change who you are as a person for someone else, but does that mean you can't change your actions?
When did not changing the core of you become an excuse to not care? When did being unemotional solve problems? It's one thing not to care what people think about you, it's another to not care how your loved ones feel about you. When did society start caring more about the external and less about the internal? Everyone wants to improve themselves, but what about their hearts, their values, their morals? Growing up is a funny thing, but if you can't be honest, you can't be truthful, and if you can't be truthful you have no trust.
So I want everyone to do me a favor right now, think about the last time someone did something for you out of the goodness of their heart... something they did just to show they loved you or cared about you or just wanted to put a smile on your face. Remember those people because they're the ones that matter, they are what make friendship and relationships and family mean something more. Don't ever take those people for granted because they're the ones who will pick you up off the ground when you can't get up. They are the ones that make the ride of your life worth living. Until next time, Over N' Out!
MW
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Time for adult things.
Ohhh boy! I'm in it big time, aren't I? I know I haven't posted in seriously forever, but after reading tonight's blog you will completely forgive me! :)
Ever have one of those awkward phases where you're not depressed but literally so incredibly lazy that checking your email is just out of the question because the computer is all the way at the other side of the room? Yah well lets just say my new year started off exactly like that, only worse! My life consisted of working and sleeping... oh and continuing to eat holiday left overs that lasted way too long! This did not do my body justice!
Needless to say I'm getting my life back on track. After what felt like a million weeks of bad luck I've come to acknowledge that the only person who can change things is ... you guessed it... me! Time to get off that incredibly large comfortable bed and get in shape. I'm so not going to claim this as a new years resolution because I rarely finish things I start, but I'm going to think of it as my opportunity to get that amazing beach bod I've been dying to have. Along with my new workout-a-ton-no-more-coffee-cut-back-on-cigarettes health mode, I'm going to start focusing more on myself. I know what you're thinking.. that sounds so general, but it really is specific.
Specific goal # 1. Focus on the relationships that are currently important i.e family, friends, etc. Time to put old romantic relationships behind me. Which speaking off, my very best guy friend who is not gay but holds no romantic interest to me anymore, just got back together with his PSYCHO ex girlfriend. Why do bitchy girls always get the guy? Totally ridiculous! I told him he's stupid but what do I know, he must absolutely love a girl that doesn't allow him to talk to his oldest best friend (me). I love when bitches don't like me hehe ;) At the same time, I've once again lost my best guy friend who gives me the best kind of relationship advice around until he realizes the girl he's "in love with" is nothing more then a control freak with bad hair and discus ting... everything ! Anyways, I'm going to focus on spending more quality time with my family and close friends.... as long as I don't ever have to babysit my 2 year old niece and 1 year old nephew in the morning anymore... I thought I was going to die! Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to have my own kids and I love my sister's kids to death, but they're a lot to handle at 10 in the morning when I'm hung over and pissed off that Mister I-just-learned-how-to-walk wants to keep going in the trash bin! haha oh how I love them, now that I look back on it and laugh at the situation :)
Specific goal # 2. Do an AMAZING job at work. I have seriously been slacking in that department. Time to step it up a notch and really show my boss how much I deserve that raise. Which includes NOT showing up 30 minutes late to work everyday, and not texting the whole day, whoops! :-x
Specific goal # 3. ENJOY BEING SINGLE! I have always been that girl who had to be seeing someone. Even in high school and college there was always a new guy to replace an old one. With this new fond view on the world and going along with the focusing on me stature, I'm going to enjoy myself. Whoa, that sounded dirty, let me rephrase, I'm going to spoil myself. This way, I don't have to answer to anyone, my independence is restored, and I have fun along the way. No man drama, no love drama, not heart aches :) Problem solved... lets hope it's this easy!
There's probably a whole other list of things I could list about the little improvements I need to make on myself but I would bore you to death and these are the most interesting and important ones to date.
So anyways, I have to say I am pretty annoyed with the current crazy weather. Today was one of the warmest days this winter and I was able to go to campus with just a little sweater and scarf on, it was nice. But that only lasted so long, after class around 6:30 at night, not only was I shaking from being so cold, I could have died of head injury from almost falling straight on my ass on some black ice. Stupid winter :( Now I will never wear flats to class again... unless its 70 degrees out and there's no visible snow or ice!
On top of all this... I'm slowly moving into DANGEROUS territory! My sister's fiancee, we'll call him Weeds, because of his insane addiction to pot, just bought an X-Box. We all proceeded to play Grand Theft auto for 4 hours straight and now I find myself craving to go over to their place every single day to play it. I dream about the fast cars and the anticipation of getting caught stealing a car, or the ability to beat the shit out of a dirty man that I could never do in real life. This is a serious problem people! I can't be getting addicted to video games right now, focus MW! Anyways, although I love spending quality time with my sister and her crazy family and the thought of playing video games every night seems very tempting, I'm well aware that I'm an adult and there are adult things I need to do.
Which reminds me I have to go and do those things... mail letter, do my toenails, update my Ipod... you know adult things ;) Until next time! Over N' Out!
MW
Ever have one of those awkward phases where you're not depressed but literally so incredibly lazy that checking your email is just out of the question because the computer is all the way at the other side of the room? Yah well lets just say my new year started off exactly like that, only worse! My life consisted of working and sleeping... oh and continuing to eat holiday left overs that lasted way too long! This did not do my body justice!
Needless to say I'm getting my life back on track. After what felt like a million weeks of bad luck I've come to acknowledge that the only person who can change things is ... you guessed it... me! Time to get off that incredibly large comfortable bed and get in shape. I'm so not going to claim this as a new years resolution because I rarely finish things I start, but I'm going to think of it as my opportunity to get that amazing beach bod I've been dying to have. Along with my new workout-a-ton-no-more-coffee-cut-back-on-cigarettes health mode, I'm going to start focusing more on myself. I know what you're thinking.. that sounds so general, but it really is specific.
Specific goal # 1. Focus on the relationships that are currently important i.e family, friends, etc. Time to put old romantic relationships behind me. Which speaking off, my very best guy friend who is not gay but holds no romantic interest to me anymore, just got back together with his PSYCHO ex girlfriend. Why do bitchy girls always get the guy? Totally ridiculous! I told him he's stupid but what do I know, he must absolutely love a girl that doesn't allow him to talk to his oldest best friend (me). I love when bitches don't like me hehe ;) At the same time, I've once again lost my best guy friend who gives me the best kind of relationship advice around until he realizes the girl he's "in love with" is nothing more then a control freak with bad hair and discus ting... everything ! Anyways, I'm going to focus on spending more quality time with my family and close friends.... as long as I don't ever have to babysit my 2 year old niece and 1 year old nephew in the morning anymore... I thought I was going to die! Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to have my own kids and I love my sister's kids to death, but they're a lot to handle at 10 in the morning when I'm hung over and pissed off that Mister I-just-learned-how-to-walk wants to keep going in the trash bin! haha oh how I love them, now that I look back on it and laugh at the situation :)
Specific goal # 2. Do an AMAZING job at work. I have seriously been slacking in that department. Time to step it up a notch and really show my boss how much I deserve that raise. Which includes NOT showing up 30 minutes late to work everyday, and not texting the whole day, whoops! :-x
Specific goal # 3. ENJOY BEING SINGLE! I have always been that girl who had to be seeing someone. Even in high school and college there was always a new guy to replace an old one. With this new fond view on the world and going along with the focusing on me stature, I'm going to enjoy myself. Whoa, that sounded dirty, let me rephrase, I'm going to spoil myself. This way, I don't have to answer to anyone, my independence is restored, and I have fun along the way. No man drama, no love drama, not heart aches :) Problem solved... lets hope it's this easy!
There's probably a whole other list of things I could list about the little improvements I need to make on myself but I would bore you to death and these are the most interesting and important ones to date.
So anyways, I have to say I am pretty annoyed with the current crazy weather. Today was one of the warmest days this winter and I was able to go to campus with just a little sweater and scarf on, it was nice. But that only lasted so long, after class around 6:30 at night, not only was I shaking from being so cold, I could have died of head injury from almost falling straight on my ass on some black ice. Stupid winter :( Now I will never wear flats to class again... unless its 70 degrees out and there's no visible snow or ice!
On top of all this... I'm slowly moving into DANGEROUS territory! My sister's fiancee, we'll call him Weeds, because of his insane addiction to pot, just bought an X-Box. We all proceeded to play Grand Theft auto for 4 hours straight and now I find myself craving to go over to their place every single day to play it. I dream about the fast cars and the anticipation of getting caught stealing a car, or the ability to beat the shit out of a dirty man that I could never do in real life. This is a serious problem people! I can't be getting addicted to video games right now, focus MW! Anyways, although I love spending quality time with my sister and her crazy family and the thought of playing video games every night seems very tempting, I'm well aware that I'm an adult and there are adult things I need to do.
Which reminds me I have to go and do those things... mail letter, do my toenails, update my Ipod... you know adult things ;) Until next time! Over N' Out!
MW
Friday, January 1, 2010
New Year's my ass!
I know I know, it's been over a week since my last post but you would not believe the amount of things that have been going on!
Christmas was great. I was able to see family I haven't seen in years and lay around the house drinking in my PJ's and generally be lazy. The best kind of holiday right? Right! Unfortunately my grandfather got really sick over the holidays and I've been dealing with everything involved with that and unfortunately he passed away a couple days ago. At the same point in time, my father went into the hospital and my mother had days surgery the next day, so you can imagine why I haven't been around to write to you guys.
This brings me to my topic today; mourning. How should we do it? What's the right kind of mourning? Should we be spending a lot of time with our family after? What's the cure?
I feel as though I've been mourning so many things the past couple weeks. The end of a relationship, money troubles, the death of a close family member, my parents being sick, friends leaving, everything has sort of come along at once. Some days I'm okay, and others I break down and cry. I never know quite how to deal. People say everyone mourns in their own way. My father especially pressures me to mourn the way he wants me to. If I'm out too much, if I don't show emotion, he thinks it means I don't care. When in reality, I just don't want to fall apart.
Life's about the good things... yah the bad ones too, but if we all focused on the bad and didn't get on with our lives, everyone would live in a depressed state of mind and life wouldn't be worth anything. Whenever a relationship goes sour, I tend to go from upset to angry to frustrated to depressed in this vicious cycle until I either a) meet another person or b) I wake the fuck up. The older I get, obviously, I've grown to realize that a person has to be strong enough to be on her own before someone else can make them happy. Why do people always say that? So that if or when things go wrong, you have that foundation of being on your own and being independent that makes getting over a breakup easier and more importantly... possible.
This last guy, we'll call him Mister Sweet Talker ( which is all he was), played me so good that I was going to move my entire life 1,000 miles away without the slightest bit of questioning. Long distance relationships do work, I don't want to ever discourage anyone from them, but you have to make sure that the guy puts in just as much effort as you do! Don't make the mistake I made and make excuses for him, I firmly believe if a man wants to be with you, he will make it happen, no excuses. The first sign that he's not trying hard enough.. cut him loose, it's for your own good and is MUCH easier at the beginning.
Last night was New Years Eve. I had every intention of spending the night with my closest girlfriends, x, y, and z. I love my friends to DEATH, just putting that out there! haha they're a woman's only cure for getting over a guy and without them, I'd still be hung up on my first love who I lost my virginity too in the back seat of his Chevy Blazer, no lie it was just like a movie, just much more awkward and not romantic in any way. But anyways, I thought to myself, ' I don't need a man, I don't need a midnight kiss, and I certainly don't need to get off my ass drunk!' To say the least, although I was intoxicated, I had the worst New Years to date. I need to learn to forget men who don't deserve me and remember that there are so many other fish in the sea...
So now I'm dealing with family issues, men issues, money issues, and those are just the cherry's on my ice cream!
I know I know, I sound like the biggest complainer on the Earth! Like other people don't have the same issues? I guess I just wanted to vent, big time, and give you guys the proper explanation for not being around. Next time I'll be cheery, I promise! :)
Well I'm off to be my fathers slave for the next ohh... couple day's I would say. Time to take down the tree and run errands and blah blah blah, I'm sure you're not interested.
Wow this blog sucks! I'm gonna stop now, until next time! Over n' Out!
Mw
Christmas was great. I was able to see family I haven't seen in years and lay around the house drinking in my PJ's and generally be lazy. The best kind of holiday right? Right! Unfortunately my grandfather got really sick over the holidays and I've been dealing with everything involved with that and unfortunately he passed away a couple days ago. At the same point in time, my father went into the hospital and my mother had days surgery the next day, so you can imagine why I haven't been around to write to you guys.
This brings me to my topic today; mourning. How should we do it? What's the right kind of mourning? Should we be spending a lot of time with our family after? What's the cure?
I feel as though I've been mourning so many things the past couple weeks. The end of a relationship, money troubles, the death of a close family member, my parents being sick, friends leaving, everything has sort of come along at once. Some days I'm okay, and others I break down and cry. I never know quite how to deal. People say everyone mourns in their own way. My father especially pressures me to mourn the way he wants me to. If I'm out too much, if I don't show emotion, he thinks it means I don't care. When in reality, I just don't want to fall apart.
Life's about the good things... yah the bad ones too, but if we all focused on the bad and didn't get on with our lives, everyone would live in a depressed state of mind and life wouldn't be worth anything. Whenever a relationship goes sour, I tend to go from upset to angry to frustrated to depressed in this vicious cycle until I either a) meet another person or b) I wake the fuck up. The older I get, obviously, I've grown to realize that a person has to be strong enough to be on her own before someone else can make them happy. Why do people always say that? So that if or when things go wrong, you have that foundation of being on your own and being independent that makes getting over a breakup easier and more importantly... possible.
This last guy, we'll call him Mister Sweet Talker ( which is all he was), played me so good that I was going to move my entire life 1,000 miles away without the slightest bit of questioning. Long distance relationships do work, I don't want to ever discourage anyone from them, but you have to make sure that the guy puts in just as much effort as you do! Don't make the mistake I made and make excuses for him, I firmly believe if a man wants to be with you, he will make it happen, no excuses. The first sign that he's not trying hard enough.. cut him loose, it's for your own good and is MUCH easier at the beginning.
Last night was New Years Eve. I had every intention of spending the night with my closest girlfriends, x, y, and z. I love my friends to DEATH, just putting that out there! haha they're a woman's only cure for getting over a guy and without them, I'd still be hung up on my first love who I lost my virginity too in the back seat of his Chevy Blazer, no lie it was just like a movie, just much more awkward and not romantic in any way. But anyways, I thought to myself, ' I don't need a man, I don't need a midnight kiss, and I certainly don't need to get off my ass drunk!' To say the least, although I was intoxicated, I had the worst New Years to date. I need to learn to forget men who don't deserve me and remember that there are so many other fish in the sea...
So now I'm dealing with family issues, men issues, money issues, and those are just the cherry's on my ice cream!
I know I know, I sound like the biggest complainer on the Earth! Like other people don't have the same issues? I guess I just wanted to vent, big time, and give you guys the proper explanation for not being around. Next time I'll be cheery, I promise! :)
Well I'm off to be my fathers slave for the next ohh... couple day's I would say. Time to take down the tree and run errands and blah blah blah, I'm sure you're not interested.
Wow this blog sucks! I'm gonna stop now, until next time! Over n' Out!
Mw
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)