" I don't believe you when you say you don't need me anymore."

I wish I could define exactly what has been going on in my life lately, but words don't sum it up. My faith has been tested, my hope has been tried, and my love has worn thin, but I keep fighting.

I've been thinking about someone from my past a lot lately. Don't you hate how it hits you like that? BAM, something that has been a distant memory comes rushing back to you and hits you ten times harder. Makes you wonder if you truly healed correctly the first time around. But do we ever heal correctly? Or do we just learn to push feelings aside to move on? It it naive to think that we can completely move on from things? Or is it really possible?

She's so bitter toward me and I'm grateful that I'm not toward her, but also extremely sad that she's angry toward me. I could sit here and wonder if I made the right decision in letting our friendship go but it's already done. I had to do what was right for me at that time. Is she angry that I didn't try hard enough? Is she angry because she knows there was some truth to why our friendship ended? I could rip myself to shreds wondering and thinking about why she feels the way she does, but I can't. I have to move on.

I sat outside tonight and felt the cold wind on my face. The air smelt like winter. Ever have a smell trigger a memory? It made me think of the late night drives with her when we'd sneak out to smoke a cigarette and talk about the meaning of life. Maybe there is a little piece of me that blames myself for our falling out. Maybe that's why I feel lost. No one wants to question the actions they took in the past, especially when it's lead to something painful. I reached out to her, only to be painful reminded that she is not the person I knew. I have to stop assuming the good in everyone or I'm never going to find my own happiness. I have to accept that some people are never going to forgive you, some are never going to be sorry, and some are never going to look back.

I still wish her happiness, I still hope she can let go of her anger, but I can't keep blaming myself. There are a lot of things I could have done differently, but if I hadn't done what I did I wouldn't be where I am now. We make decisions that shape us to the people we'll be in the future. She took a route and I went in the opposite direction, it's bound to happen. Some people come in and out our lives and change us. I'm grateful for that and for the lessons I've learned along the way. So where ever you are, if you read this, I hope there is some sympathy and love still left in you for me, because I do for you. I hope you smile when you remember our friendship and laugh when you think about all of the good times. Fair well <3

MW