"Worth it all"

*Fair warning, this blog does not end at all like it's starting!*

Tonight's topic: Forgiving and forgetting. Most times forgiving is the easy part, forgetting is what's difficult. There's a lot of different kinds.

The Forgiving but Never forgetting kind:
I talked earlier about how I lost a close friend, not physically but mentally, we're not friends anymore. I spoke of how I didn't wish her any harm, I hope she finds happiness. Through other friends, I ended up finding out that she doesn't miss me and that's not what bothers me because frankly I don't miss her either. What bothers me is when people put you down because they can't look at a situation and admit their wrong. Not only does is basically put down my entire friendship with her, but it makes her look guilty. I know she isn't happy, but then again I don't know her anymore. I know what would have made the old her happy but not this version of her. A girl who lets a man define her, rule her, control her and I use to think she was the most independent person I knew. Now more than ever I see the insecurities she hid from everyone. It makes me sad because there was a point in time when I was her shoulder and she was mine. She may not think it was that way but it was. I guess the naive part of myself thought that maybe there was some sign of her still in there, but considering the things shes still saying about me I see that's not possible. Everyone keeps asking me is I would be friends with her again. Would I forgive and forget. I don't think I would be truly over what happened if I couldn't forgive her. But I'll never forget everything that has happened with her. I'll never be friends with her again. I can say that and be okay with it because like I've said in the past, not everyone you love is meant to be in your life forever.

The Always forgiving and Always forgetting:
Last night when the sun was long gone, I sat out in my driveway and slowly felt the rain come crashing down on me. I felt the wetness on my face and remembered the nights I use to sit in that same spot and cry and laugh. That's what home is all about right? Coming back to a place that brings you back. I looked over to my side and my best friend sat there with me. We laughed and laughed and laughed. I'm so glad she's home. You don't realize how much you miss a person until you can't see them anymore even when you both want to. She picked me up off the ground countless times and I will always have the strongest love for her for that. She's the person that I fight with over stupid little shit. Granted I haven't fought with her in along long time, but we bicker but always get over it and forget the stupid things. Like how I used to get mad if she didn't wait for me after class to go get lunch. She's that person you keep in your life forever.

Then the Never forgiving and Never forgetting.
This usually occurs over a man. What's that saying? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I grew up thinking I wasn't good enough but knowing I was good enough. Hypocritical right? I knew deep down based off the values I was brought up with and the main man in my life, my father, that I was worth world. But after countless love affairs, I slowly started to think that I would never be good enough. A guy would always be looking for something better rather than seeing the gem he had right in front of him. Over and over, getting let down wares on you. I learned how to cope, how to move on quickly. A man screws me over, I'm done, I don't forgive them. But I never forget it. I have this knack for remembering a lot of details, to the point that I can name off each and every man I have ever kissed and rate them on a scale of 1 to 10. Weird I know! But I can.

So what's the trick? Which combination is the right one? You forgive too easily and you're weak. You don't forgive at all and you're a hard ass. You never forget and you live too much in the past, you always forget and you're just asking to get hurt. Or do we find the right combination based off the person. Like meeting a friend who's worth forgiving and forgetting for or meeting a guy that might fool you twice but will stick around and prove third times the charm.

I believe in the power of love more than anyone else I know. It lifts you up, it brings you right back down, and it makes you do the unthinkable. It's why we all desire it so much. I guess I was getting to the point that I wanted it so much I was willing to put up with less than I deserve just to get a glimpse of it. When people ask how do you know it's love? People say, "You know it when you feel it." But what happens when you know with every thing in your body that you feel it, and it lets you down. Does it mean that it wasn't real? Or does it teach us to recognize it when it does work and to hold onto it with absolutely everything possible.

I'm a confident woman, I have little insecurities everyone does, but I have genuine confidence. No I don't walk into a room with my head held high like a snot nosed Pris and think men should bow down to me, but I walk into a room and I smile. I look people straight in the face, I laugh without fear, and I walk like I'm on a mission. My girl friends use to snicker when we went out about how they'd want to go up to a cute boy and say hi. I would then grab my drink and walk right up to him. We can't let fear overcome us. It's one of the biggest things I learned growing up. I'm still learning it now. If we fear the little things, the big things will seem in possible. Like moving on from someone who ripped your heart out, or starting a new career, or having a baby. All the big things in life that we have to take full advantage of, it stems back to the little things. The fear to ask the pretty girl out, the fear to kill that big spider in the bathroom, the fear that you're not worth the world to someone. You get over your fears and you can accomplish anything, you're golden.

So here's to goodbye. Goodbye to fear, goodbye to insecurity. I am shutting the door on you and believing that I am worth more than what you make me feel. I am worth a man not being able to live without me, I am worth a friend needing my shoulder to cry on, I am worth following my dreams, I am worth being a talented writer, I am worth following my hear, I am worth being the best person I can possibly be. That's what life is about. Don't let anyone take your confidence away!

Until Next Time, Over n' Out!

MW