" Not ready for a fix."

Since the last time I talked to you, I had a big epiphany. For months now, I've been analyzing every part of my love life wondering what it is about me that makes men not want to commit. I finally and almost stupidly came to the conclusion that it is NOT me, it's them. I know that sounds obvious, but a lot of the time we don't see those types of things no matter how obvious they are. It's easier to blame it on ourselves because at least we have the power to change ourselves, but not others.

When everything in our life is going good, you tend to stress on one aspect to keep yourself occupied. For some people its their job, others it's money, for me it's love. Call me optimistic but I still believe with everything in me that there is one person in the world that will change everything you believe about yourself. This doesn't necessarily mean they will spend their life with you or that they'll even love you back, but things have a way of happening and shaking us down to our core.

With this new found knowledge, that every man I've ever dated was a total and utter douche bag, I now see the pattern in which I date. I choose men who aren't looking for something stable and reliable. I choose men who are just out of a marriage or relationship, who have always saw me as just a friend, who are leaving for Iraq, who live miles and miles away. MaybeI crave the romanced involved in that or almost enjoy the thrill of it all. I remember having a conversation with my sister recently and we were trying to figure out the common factor in all these guys because they all did the same thing, they left me or just didn't commit. Then I would drown in my sorrows and obsess for a couple months before finding the next best disaster. What's the common factor in all these men? They're all looking for an escape. They're looking for something temporary, not something that makes them stick and stop running around in circles. I also came into the realization ( thanks to a dear friend ) that I'm the fix. I'm stability, I'm realization, I'm real. These men don't choose me because they don't want a fix. They want to keep going the route they are because of whatever circumstance they're in.

Side note*** (I know if you don't know the situations with these men, it sounds as if I was just a rebound, but it was never like that. It was always some crazy romance or crazy dating game. Feelings would be invested on both parts, but it would never work out. Hence why I'm trying to figure this all out. I've stayed friends with a good amount of my exs and I'm proud to say they all say loving things about me. )

Now I know what you're thinking. I have the power to stay away from these men. But do I? Can we help who we fall in love with? I don't think we do. What I do have the power of is walking away when I should. Falling in love is nothing to be ashamed of, but getting walked all over? That is. Once a man stops showing that he doesn't care as much as I do, I should be walking away, not trying to make him see how sexy I am, or how much we have in common, or how to miss me. He knows. I don't have to remind him. But we always want what we can't have right? So I continue to torture myself until someone new comes along that showers me with attention.

This very attractive gentlemen stopped me on my way out of the mall today. He was trying to raise money for Teen Challenge, which is an organization for people who have hard lives and need help, usually because of drugs and alcohol. Not only did I get to flirt with this adorable man ( I should have gave him my number) but I donated money to them. I walked out of that mall with my head held high and a big smile on my face. Not only because this guy just flirted with me for 10 minutes, but because I just helped a lost teenager.

So what's the moral of today's chit chat? Stop settling and do some good! I wish I could speak to teenage girls and tell them to never let a guy make you feel like who you are isn't worth being with or enough. You are enough. And if a man doesn't show you that, hold your head high and run away! There will be another guy who will come along and be really happy you did.

I've gotten into the habit of chanting, "I'm a fix, I'm a fix, I'm a fix," every time I start to get down on myself. My life is my own and instead of investing my love into a man that doesn't want it, I'm going to invest it into not only the people that DO want it, but the people who need it.

Oh and dating? I'm gonna stop for awhile. It's been awhile since I just dealt with myself for a bit and I don't need a man to make me complete. I think the best way to think about it is if I stay around waiting for him to love me, I'll miss out on the guy that will without question.

I'm very blessed to have a good head on my shoulders, a warm bed every night, and a big heart that sees the good things more than the bad. Our potential is only what we make it. So for now, I'm gonna hold my head high, take my pride, and walk out that fucking door! I'm not your escape and you're not ready for a fix.

MW