I'm going to start tonight's blog backward and start with what I was literally just doing. I was watching poker with my father. Okay I know that sounds really boring but its my absolute favorite thing to do. Maybe not the poker part, but to just relax with him at night and laugh and talk. I jokingly said to him the other day that I was pissed he was in my life because I have such high expectations for men and he said, " Damn straight! And you better never settle for less!" I love him! :)
I strolled out of my house today, running late like always. The cold air made my breath visible. I jumped into my car and looked into the rear view mirror that's always turned toward me. My bare face looked worn, sad. The big bags under my eyes showed how little sleep I got the night before. I turned the music up in hopes that I could forget my thoughts. As I drive down the street I pier back in the mirror and try to smile. My face cracks and I quickly turn my eyes back onto the road ahead of me. Once I roll into work I slowly drag myself inside. Another day. (My coworkers thankfully know me enough already to know somethings wrong. My sister says I wear my emotions on my sleeves. She couldn't be more right.) Everyone offers comfort and I finally start to loosen up. I'm glad my job is so consuming because for 8 and a half hours I completely forget about the outside world and I'm sheltered in this big warehouse. I smile and laugh and crack jokes and forget for the day that when I walk out of the door things are exactly how I left them when I walked in. But I did something different today, I got into my car, picked the happiest song on my play list and blasted the music. I shouted at the top of my lungs the lyrics to the song. As I cruised down the road I looked ahead and saw the sun shine out of the clouds. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. My mouth opened wide into a huge smile. I knew at that moment everything was going to be okay. Because I'm a good person, and I love with my whole heart, and I care when I shouldn't, and I'm beautiful inside and out. So take that sadness, and anger, and hurt. I'm defeating you. And as for those who want to push me down and hurt me... you're in for a big surprise because karma's a bitch and I'm moving forward.
Anger, hurt, happiness, regret. I have this tendency to feel 6 different emotions in a day. First your hurt, then you're angry, then you're happy, and then finally the regret settles in. I've always been one to say that I'll never regret anything in my life no matter the circumstances. I can't decide if I regret the things I've done in the last 6 months. Taking a break from college, changing jobs, veering away from old friends, opening my heart too wide. I guess I never really realized how many risks I take in my life. I grew up cautious, I was the "mother" of the group. When did I start being careless? Maybe because I wasn't happy that way. Even though I feel pain with my new carelessness, I feel complete happiness at times. Everyone has their ups and downs, everyone has pain but I was scared of the pain so much that I guarded myself. Does that mean I never felt pain? Of course not, it just means I avoided it at all costs where as now I find myself letting go. When did it start? About 6 or 7 months ago I made a decision to take some time and focus on myself and really figure out not only who I am but what I want in with my life. This decision alone caused a chain reaction. Change started happening. Maybe change I wasn't really ready for but it started. I started becoming this completely different person. Not to say that was a bad thing. Soon after I bought a new car impulsively, then conveniently started a new job making more money, then friends who knew the old me started fading, then ultimately opened myself up to a guy I would have never let myself open up to. A situation where I would normally be a mess, I'm numb. Does this mean that I'm a bad person? I hope to god that it doesn't. I think I'm just growing up in a way I'm not use to. I'm use to being the mature one who does the right thing and I still try to do just that, but I've grown into my own skin. I accept what I am and where I want to go and taking risks are really just adventures to me. If you don't want to take that risk with me, it's your loss. Life can push pretty hard sometimes, but does that mean we let it defeat us? No way, we push back. No matter what happens in life, if you know who you are the rest will eventually follow. As for the bumps in the road? Life wouldn't be worth living if we didn't have something to remember. Most people think you have to learn from everything you go through but I believe its about the memories not necessarily the lessons. Its all comes back down to a memory. That's all moments are, they're memories. You can embrace them, move on, and smile about them from time to time or let yourself dwell in it and keep disappointing yourself when it doesn't happen how you want it to. The past is the past for a reason. I'm not worried about the people from my past, there's a reason they didn't make it to my future and if you don't want to be in that future, I will think of you fondly as either a memory, or an asshole. =)
I'm going to my sisters tomorrow night and I can't wait. I'm gonna laugh, cry ( from laughing) and enjoy being around people who love me exactly how I am. Who needs a man or fake friends when you have family? Until next time, Over n' Out!
MW
:)
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