"We won't be leaving by the same road that we came by."

Tonight's topic: Hope. How do we get it, how do we hold onto it, and how we lose it.

I got up this morning and thought I was seriously going to die. I couldn't hear out of one ear. If I get an ear infection, I'm going to have serious problems. I'm emotionally and physically drained and I need a vacation bad. Work is work. I get the ultimate pleasure out of making fun of the guy on the phone who's name is Dickie. HA! Still makes me laugh when I think about it. Another weekend comes in, tomorrow is Friday. Ah what to do this Halloween weekend? We will see! If I'm not dying in bed and deaf that is!

I drove home from work and noticed this little leaf on my windshield wiper. It's been there for about 2 weeks now. I remembered when I first noticed it and laughed at how he held on for dear life. Weeks later I saw it make it through the wind, the rain, and get to see beautiful days like today. I thought to myself, "If a leaf that is barely hanging on by it's stem can stick it out through the shit than why can't I?" Gives you a little hope.

I went to my sisters tonight and smiled as I heard the little ones playing in the bath tub. My nephew was screaming at the top of his lungs, I thought he was my niece. My sister took them out and walked them into the bedroom. My mouth dropped open as my sister pointed out the orange crayon they decided to cover the walls with one night before they went to sleep. One day I am going to completely pull my hair out over my own children, then I'm going to think about it down the road and laugh. We went back downstairs and talked like we always do. Feels good to have someone you can just vent to. We both talked about how stressful things have been lately and decided on something to eat for dinner. I ended up finding out that she goes on my facebook to accept different friend requests for facebook games. I almost died laughing because I was wondering why it said I liked some game when I have never played a facebook game. HA! I love her.

Finally on my way home, I looked at the moon. It was a big crescent and the fog made it look magical. I wanted to pull over and just glare at it. It was warm out tonight so I opened my sunroof and rolled down my window. I turned the music up loud enough so that I couldn't hear my thoughts. I let the music run into my ears, under my skin, over my heart, and lost myself. Then I looked over at that leaf. Still holding on, still there. I'm not the type to believe that when you love something you let them go. I think you stay. You fight. You care. You hope. What I don't believe in is trying for someone who doesn't return it. When they show no sign of feeling the same way for you. Love isn't a one way street. It goes both ways. That's why we expect it in return when we give it. But when there's no hope that it's going to be returned, that's when you let go.

You should only deserve what you give, that's why we preach to treat others the way you want to be treated. You want me to treat you like shit? Okay ignore me and I'll show you what it's like to be ignored. You want to respect me? I will respect you back. You want to forget me? I'll forget you quicker. You want to love me? I will love you better than anyone else. Life is complicated, but love isn't. You make a decision. You decide whether to make it difficult or easy. Life might be complicated but it doesn't always have to be hard. There are some things, some decisions that are obvious, we're just scared. We're scared at realizing that all that pain and suffering was for nothing because if we had just listened to our instinct, we would be happy right now. And above all, we all want to believe that going through hard things in life is a right of passage. It foreshadows that good things are to come. But it doesn't! It means you should have let go when he fucked it up the 2nd , the 3rd, the 4th time. But you hold on. You hope that there is a tiny shred of something lingering. You hope that one day he's going to wake up and realize how great you are. But he won't. He won't see it. And you'll wake up every morning and hope that the leaf is going to fall off that god damn windshield wiper so you can get on with you're life and stop hoping.

Hope. It's what gets us through things and keeps us hanging on. I'm going to wake up tomorrow morning and take the leaf off my windshield wiper so that it can be put out of its misery. It's tattered and broken and barely hanging on by a thread. It's time to make my own hope and choose to make things easy. Some would say that I say too much, but I'd rather say too much than say nothing at all. Until next time, Over n' Out!

MW