"We won't be leaving by the same road that we came by."

Tonight's topic: Hope. How do we get it, how do we hold onto it, and how we lose it.

I got up this morning and thought I was seriously going to die. I couldn't hear out of one ear. If I get an ear infection, I'm going to have serious problems. I'm emotionally and physically drained and I need a vacation bad. Work is work. I get the ultimate pleasure out of making fun of the guy on the phone who's name is Dickie. HA! Still makes me laugh when I think about it. Another weekend comes in, tomorrow is Friday. Ah what to do this Halloween weekend? We will see! If I'm not dying in bed and deaf that is!

I drove home from work and noticed this little leaf on my windshield wiper. It's been there for about 2 weeks now. I remembered when I first noticed it and laughed at how he held on for dear life. Weeks later I saw it make it through the wind, the rain, and get to see beautiful days like today. I thought to myself, "If a leaf that is barely hanging on by it's stem can stick it out through the shit than why can't I?" Gives you a little hope.

I went to my sisters tonight and smiled as I heard the little ones playing in the bath tub. My nephew was screaming at the top of his lungs, I thought he was my niece. My sister took them out and walked them into the bedroom. My mouth dropped open as my sister pointed out the orange crayon they decided to cover the walls with one night before they went to sleep. One day I am going to completely pull my hair out over my own children, then I'm going to think about it down the road and laugh. We went back downstairs and talked like we always do. Feels good to have someone you can just vent to. We both talked about how stressful things have been lately and decided on something to eat for dinner. I ended up finding out that she goes on my facebook to accept different friend requests for facebook games. I almost died laughing because I was wondering why it said I liked some game when I have never played a facebook game. HA! I love her.

Finally on my way home, I looked at the moon. It was a big crescent and the fog made it look magical. I wanted to pull over and just glare at it. It was warm out tonight so I opened my sunroof and rolled down my window. I turned the music up loud enough so that I couldn't hear my thoughts. I let the music run into my ears, under my skin, over my heart, and lost myself. Then I looked over at that leaf. Still holding on, still there. I'm not the type to believe that when you love something you let them go. I think you stay. You fight. You care. You hope. What I don't believe in is trying for someone who doesn't return it. When they show no sign of feeling the same way for you. Love isn't a one way street. It goes both ways. That's why we expect it in return when we give it. But when there's no hope that it's going to be returned, that's when you let go.

You should only deserve what you give, that's why we preach to treat others the way you want to be treated. You want me to treat you like shit? Okay ignore me and I'll show you what it's like to be ignored. You want to respect me? I will respect you back. You want to forget me? I'll forget you quicker. You want to love me? I will love you better than anyone else. Life is complicated, but love isn't. You make a decision. You decide whether to make it difficult or easy. Life might be complicated but it doesn't always have to be hard. There are some things, some decisions that are obvious, we're just scared. We're scared at realizing that all that pain and suffering was for nothing because if we had just listened to our instinct, we would be happy right now. And above all, we all want to believe that going through hard things in life is a right of passage. It foreshadows that good things are to come. But it doesn't! It means you should have let go when he fucked it up the 2nd , the 3rd, the 4th time. But you hold on. You hope that there is a tiny shred of something lingering. You hope that one day he's going to wake up and realize how great you are. But he won't. He won't see it. And you'll wake up every morning and hope that the leaf is going to fall off that god damn windshield wiper so you can get on with you're life and stop hoping.

Hope. It's what gets us through things and keeps us hanging on. I'm going to wake up tomorrow morning and take the leaf off my windshield wiper so that it can be put out of its misery. It's tattered and broken and barely hanging on by a thread. It's time to make my own hope and choose to make things easy. Some would say that I say too much, but I'd rather say too much than say nothing at all. Until next time, Over n' Out!

MW

"Worth it all"

*Fair warning, this blog does not end at all like it's starting!*

Tonight's topic: Forgiving and forgetting. Most times forgiving is the easy part, forgetting is what's difficult. There's a lot of different kinds.

The Forgiving but Never forgetting kind:
I talked earlier about how I lost a close friend, not physically but mentally, we're not friends anymore. I spoke of how I didn't wish her any harm, I hope she finds happiness. Through other friends, I ended up finding out that she doesn't miss me and that's not what bothers me because frankly I don't miss her either. What bothers me is when people put you down because they can't look at a situation and admit their wrong. Not only does is basically put down my entire friendship with her, but it makes her look guilty. I know she isn't happy, but then again I don't know her anymore. I know what would have made the old her happy but not this version of her. A girl who lets a man define her, rule her, control her and I use to think she was the most independent person I knew. Now more than ever I see the insecurities she hid from everyone. It makes me sad because there was a point in time when I was her shoulder and she was mine. She may not think it was that way but it was. I guess the naive part of myself thought that maybe there was some sign of her still in there, but considering the things shes still saying about me I see that's not possible. Everyone keeps asking me is I would be friends with her again. Would I forgive and forget. I don't think I would be truly over what happened if I couldn't forgive her. But I'll never forget everything that has happened with her. I'll never be friends with her again. I can say that and be okay with it because like I've said in the past, not everyone you love is meant to be in your life forever.

The Always forgiving and Always forgetting:
Last night when the sun was long gone, I sat out in my driveway and slowly felt the rain come crashing down on me. I felt the wetness on my face and remembered the nights I use to sit in that same spot and cry and laugh. That's what home is all about right? Coming back to a place that brings you back. I looked over to my side and my best friend sat there with me. We laughed and laughed and laughed. I'm so glad she's home. You don't realize how much you miss a person until you can't see them anymore even when you both want to. She picked me up off the ground countless times and I will always have the strongest love for her for that. She's the person that I fight with over stupid little shit. Granted I haven't fought with her in along long time, but we bicker but always get over it and forget the stupid things. Like how I used to get mad if she didn't wait for me after class to go get lunch. She's that person you keep in your life forever.

Then the Never forgiving and Never forgetting.
This usually occurs over a man. What's that saying? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I grew up thinking I wasn't good enough but knowing I was good enough. Hypocritical right? I knew deep down based off the values I was brought up with and the main man in my life, my father, that I was worth world. But after countless love affairs, I slowly started to think that I would never be good enough. A guy would always be looking for something better rather than seeing the gem he had right in front of him. Over and over, getting let down wares on you. I learned how to cope, how to move on quickly. A man screws me over, I'm done, I don't forgive them. But I never forget it. I have this knack for remembering a lot of details, to the point that I can name off each and every man I have ever kissed and rate them on a scale of 1 to 10. Weird I know! But I can.

So what's the trick? Which combination is the right one? You forgive too easily and you're weak. You don't forgive at all and you're a hard ass. You never forget and you live too much in the past, you always forget and you're just asking to get hurt. Or do we find the right combination based off the person. Like meeting a friend who's worth forgiving and forgetting for or meeting a guy that might fool you twice but will stick around and prove third times the charm.

I believe in the power of love more than anyone else I know. It lifts you up, it brings you right back down, and it makes you do the unthinkable. It's why we all desire it so much. I guess I was getting to the point that I wanted it so much I was willing to put up with less than I deserve just to get a glimpse of it. When people ask how do you know it's love? People say, "You know it when you feel it." But what happens when you know with every thing in your body that you feel it, and it lets you down. Does it mean that it wasn't real? Or does it teach us to recognize it when it does work and to hold onto it with absolutely everything possible.

I'm a confident woman, I have little insecurities everyone does, but I have genuine confidence. No I don't walk into a room with my head held high like a snot nosed Pris and think men should bow down to me, but I walk into a room and I smile. I look people straight in the face, I laugh without fear, and I walk like I'm on a mission. My girl friends use to snicker when we went out about how they'd want to go up to a cute boy and say hi. I would then grab my drink and walk right up to him. We can't let fear overcome us. It's one of the biggest things I learned growing up. I'm still learning it now. If we fear the little things, the big things will seem in possible. Like moving on from someone who ripped your heart out, or starting a new career, or having a baby. All the big things in life that we have to take full advantage of, it stems back to the little things. The fear to ask the pretty girl out, the fear to kill that big spider in the bathroom, the fear that you're not worth the world to someone. You get over your fears and you can accomplish anything, you're golden.

So here's to goodbye. Goodbye to fear, goodbye to insecurity. I am shutting the door on you and believing that I am worth more than what you make me feel. I am worth a man not being able to live without me, I am worth a friend needing my shoulder to cry on, I am worth following my dreams, I am worth being a talented writer, I am worth following my hear, I am worth being the best person I can possibly be. That's what life is about. Don't let anyone take your confidence away!

Until Next Time, Over n' Out!

MW

"Scared of love but scared of life alone."

Woah two blogs in one day, I guess I'm feeling inspirational. This is a surprise, even to myself, but there's so much I left out earlier and I was in a little bit of a rush. Since this is my therapy I'm going to babble a bit with what happened this weekend more specifically.

Friday night was hilarious. One of my oldest girl friends came over. No she was not alone, she had Mr. Arbour Mist tagging along and made sure to keep me happy all night long! It was a ridiculous temperature outside so we decided to stay in and do some online gossiping. I'm sure you're wondering what that is exactly. I'm sure you know what online dating is, I sure do! We'll we decided to have some fun with our online accounts on a known dating service that I'm not going to mention. It's nice to actually get to be spoiled a little bit and have men feen over you a bit and you get to read each suitor and decide whether or not he seems like a sleaze ball or if he seems worth a shot. I do have to say though, that we weren't taking it that seriously but it makes for a good time and even better stories. I passed out pleasantly buzzed and happy I didn't have to wake up the next day.

I woke up at 7 am the next day to an extremely loud alert sound. It was my cell phone notifying me that I had a text message. One of my best friends is coming home from the air force ( who I haven't seen in a year and a half!), she landed today, and she decided to text me bright and early to let me know she was in the states. I do have to say I am looking forward to spending as much time possible with her over the next 2-3 weeks! Now that I couldn't fall back asleep, I decided to go upstairs and see what my father was watching. Weekend television is my favorite time to spend with my father. We watch all these different kinds of car shows ( we have a strange obsession with mustangs). I finally decided to get my ass off the couch sometime in the afternoon and went to this new Chinese restaurant with my sister. I love when you walk into a place and you're being seated and everyone decides to stare and watch as you go by, especially when you spot a group of guys you went to high school with... embarrassing! Ever eat something that tastes so good but you can't stop eating it because you want more? That's what happened. It made me pleasantly think about a certain someone, but I'm not going into that. Once I got back home I decided to turn my ipod on, stick my headphones in and dance around my bedroom in my underwear like I was 13 again. I was just praying my father didn't come into my room without me knowing because I didn't hear him knock on the door. After my lovely little workout, I reapplied my make up and headed to my older sisters house for game night. Mr. Arbour Mist came with :) This then lead to a night of laughter and smiles.

Today consisted of sleeping in, movie date with my sisters, and food shopping. I just finished eating dinner ( I made breakfast for dinner) and now I'm de-bloating and talking to all of you. Aren't you just lucky! The inner workings of my mind are confusing even to myself so god bless you if you can keep up. I'm hoping this week flies by and work isn't quit as stressful. Lately I've made some decisions that I'm trying really hard to believe were the right thing. I guess thats the point. We're never going to understand the world, but I guess we're not suppose to.

MW

"Hello World"

Ahh what a weekend. And its not even over yet! I'm going to dedicate this blog to each and every person that I love in my life because I honestly don't know what I would do without them. Sometimes it takes something big to happen for you to really wake up and appreciate those that stick around. I stand by that. As someone who grew up with insecurity issues thinking that I had no one in this world, it sure as hell feels good to prove myself wrong. For every thing that has hurt me and made me feel like nothing, I thank every person who has lifted me back up again, myself included.

I talk all the time about following your heart or your head. Which one is the right one? We'll never know, it's one of the greatest mysteries in the world. I learned something this weekend though. It's not about following one or the other, it's about using them both. I quit smoking 8 weeks ago today. The past week has been the hardest. I want one when I'm stressed, after I eat, when I'm drinking, but I didn't. And the only way I can describe my will to resist is like this. When we want something, our heart aches for it. In this case, the only thing stopping me from giving in to my want is me head. I know it's going to hurt me down the road. No matter how much I want it, it's not good for me and I can't justify that. Even though I'm probably going to always want cigarettes, the want for them dies a little bit each and everyday.

This horrible analogy ultimately leads me to realize that life isn't always about choosing one or the other. Faith and will and strength. No matter what choice we make, fate's going to make sure that your life happens how it's suppose to be. Maybe that is a little optimistic but I'd rather live my life knowing that it'll work out down the road because I deserved it rather then stress about each and every move I make.

I woke up this morning and smiled. The sun came out and shinned through my window. Things are finally starting to fall into place and now more than ever I know that being a good person, loving with everything you've got, and moving on when you want to break down are qualities you would be blessed to have. I'm blessed, I'm happy, and I can't wait to see what happens next. Until next time, Over n' Out!

MW

Just a feeling, just a feelin that I have."

Ahh late night writing. My favorite kind. When you can't sleep and you're mind can't help but wander. I've had a couple very interesting days. I know I didn't get to you yesterday but I had a crazy day. Work was as usual, but I went to my sisters last night for sister night. I FINALLY got my little nephew to shout, "WAHOO!" and lift his hands up in the air on camera. When I walked in the door he looked at me and came running up to me with this big smile on his face. I live for that shit! HA! We decided to play Clue Jr. with my 8 year old nephew. It was interesting to watch as we all (adults) basically were cheating and scolding my nephew when he tried to cheat.

After having a few laughs I went home and drifted into the unconsciousness. I had the strangest dream that I can't seem to get out of my mind. I was walking through this beautiful green garden. I wore this long white flowing dress. Almost like what a fairy would wear. Everything had glitter on it and I was running through trees looking for something. I got to the end and an open field of purple flowers lay in front of me. I started dancing through them and looked up at the sun. It was talking to me. I wish I could remember what it was saying. I woke up before I could find out what happened next. Maybe its my minds way of saying head toward the field of flowers and the sunlight aka happiness.

Happiness is what we make it. Happiness isn't an object, it isn't an action, it's a feelings. A sense of well being. We can only find it when we stop asking ourselves if we have it. At that point in time it wont matter whether we have it or not. Just like the best kind of revenge is not caring if your actually bestowing it upon them.

I looked through some old pictures of some old friends tonight and for a brief moment I missed it. I wouldn't say so much it was them I missed because they're not the same people that are in the pictures. I miss having friends I feel that way about. Don't get me wrong I still have very close friends, but I miss the fun I had with them. After about 10 minutes I came down from my memory. I had to remember that I'll feel that way again about new friends or the ones I still have that I'm so grateful for.

I can honestly say I will never go back to that phase of my life, because that's what it was, a phase. A phase that helped shape me into the person I am now. Not everyone you ever loved is meant to be in your life forever. Some people are meant to come in and out and leave an imprint on your heart and get you from a to b. Whats that saying? Some things fall apart so that better things can fall together. Ain't that true!

Anyways this weekend should be interesting, I'll try to update between events but until then I am off to bed and going to sleep in tomorrow! Until next time, Over n' Out!

MW

"It takes more to keep a girl like me."

I'm going to start tonight's blog backward and start with what I was literally just doing. I was watching poker with my father. Okay I know that sounds really boring but its my absolute favorite thing to do. Maybe not the poker part, but to just relax with him at night and laugh and talk. I jokingly said to him the other day that I was pissed he was in my life because I have such high expectations for men and he said, " Damn straight! And you better never settle for less!" I love him! :)

I strolled out of my house today, running late like always. The cold air made my breath visible. I jumped into my car and looked into the rear view mirror that's always turned toward me. My bare face looked worn, sad. The big bags under my eyes showed how little sleep I got the night before. I turned the music up in hopes that I could forget my thoughts. As I drive down the street I pier back in the mirror and try to smile. My face cracks and I quickly turn my eyes back onto the road ahead of me. Once I roll into work I slowly drag myself inside. Another day. (My coworkers thankfully know me enough already to know somethings wrong. My sister says I wear my emotions on my sleeves. She couldn't be more right.) Everyone offers comfort and I finally start to loosen up. I'm glad my job is so consuming because for 8 and a half hours I completely forget about the outside world and I'm sheltered in this big warehouse. I smile and laugh and crack jokes and forget for the day that when I walk out of the door things are exactly how I left them when I walked in. But I did something different today, I got into my car, picked the happiest song on my play list and blasted the music. I shouted at the top of my lungs the lyrics to the song. As I cruised down the road I looked ahead and saw the sun shine out of the clouds. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. My mouth opened wide into a huge smile. I knew at that moment everything was going to be okay. Because I'm a good person, and I love with my whole heart, and I care when I shouldn't, and I'm beautiful inside and out. So take that sadness, and anger, and hurt. I'm defeating you. And as for those who want to push me down and hurt me... you're in for a big surprise because karma's a bitch and I'm moving forward.

Anger, hurt, happiness, regret. I have this tendency to feel 6 different emotions in a day. First your hurt, then you're angry, then you're happy, and then finally the regret settles in. I've always been one to say that I'll never regret anything in my life no matter the circumstances. I can't decide if I regret the things I've done in the last 6 months. Taking a break from college, changing jobs, veering away from old friends, opening my heart too wide. I guess I never really realized how many risks I take in my life. I grew up cautious, I was the "mother" of the group. When did I start being careless? Maybe because I wasn't happy that way. Even though I feel pain with my new carelessness, I feel complete happiness at times. Everyone has their ups and downs, everyone has pain but I was scared of the pain so much that I guarded myself. Does that mean I never felt pain? Of course not, it just means I avoided it at all costs where as now I find myself letting go. When did it start? About 6 or 7 months ago I made a decision to take some time and focus on myself and really figure out not only who I am but what I want in with my life. This decision alone caused a chain reaction. Change started happening. Maybe change I wasn't really ready for but it started. I started becoming this completely different person. Not to say that was a bad thing. Soon after I bought a new car impulsively, then conveniently started a new job making more money, then friends who knew the old me started fading, then ultimately opened myself up to a guy I would have never let myself open up to. A situation where I would normally be a mess, I'm numb. Does this mean that I'm a bad person? I hope to god that it doesn't. I think I'm just growing up in a way I'm not use to. I'm use to being the mature one who does the right thing and I still try to do just that, but I've grown into my own skin. I accept what I am and where I want to go and taking risks are really just adventures to me. If you don't want to take that risk with me, it's your loss. Life can push pretty hard sometimes, but does that mean we let it defeat us? No way, we push back. No matter what happens in life, if you know who you are the rest will eventually follow. As for the bumps in the road? Life wouldn't be worth living if we didn't have something to remember. Most people think you have to learn from everything you go through but I believe its about the memories not necessarily the lessons. Its all comes back down to a memory. That's all moments are, they're memories. You can embrace them, move on, and smile about them from time to time or let yourself dwell in it and keep disappointing yourself when it doesn't happen how you want it to. The past is the past for a reason. I'm not worried about the people from my past, there's a reason they didn't make it to my future and if you don't want to be in that future, I will think of you fondly as either a memory, or an asshole. =)

I'm going to my sisters tomorrow night and I can't wait. I'm gonna laugh, cry ( from laughing) and enjoy being around people who love me exactly how I am. Who needs a man or fake friends when you have family? Until next time, Over n' Out!

MW

:)

"Walking on the dark side of the evening, baby it was you that opened my eyes."

What a weekend! It flew by way too fast. Let's start with the weather. I wish everyday was like this weekend. The sun was shinning and the breeze was just enough to keep it cool so that a light jacket was just enough. I was able to get away Friday night to a town on the ocean. I know you're wondering what I was up to this weekend. I spend Friday night with some friends and laughed all the way until I got home last night. I ate good food, spent time with great friends, and got to be a complete bum with on alcohol involved! What is better than that?

Ever spend time in a place and feel like you cut out all the noise, all the tension, all the stress, and for one great long moment you're in this happy place? It's exact how I feel when I'm there. It's not just the friends, the laughs, or the fact that it's an hour away from the drama at home, but it's the atmosphere. It's the way the wind feels on my face, the way you can hear the conversation in the house next door when you're on the deck, the way night brings romance without trying to. It makes me sad whenever I have to come home and wake up to the real world, but it only makes me appreciate each time I go there.

I went to the grocery story today and literally wanted to kill myself. There was a point in time when I did have fun going to purchase food for the week. I planned out my dinners and lunches and laughed at the couple that can't decide on which kind of bread they wanted. "I want wheat!" "But baby I like the whole grain." " The whole grain makes me have really bad gas." The things couples talk about in public scares me a little bit. Today made my list of most annoying things to do on a Sunday at 3 pm. Traffic wasn't too bad so I cant complain about that, but its like all the old people who take 8 hours to get to the grocery store get there right at 3 pm and block isles or stand in front of the milk for 25 minutes trying to decide if they want whole milk or 1%. Dear all elderly folk, I would please love to get my grocery shopping done without getting stuck behind you or crash into you because you decide mid walk that you were gonna back up into me to go down the isle you just spent 3 minutes going by. That sounds mean, but if you ever saw the place I do my food shopping, you'd be thinking it. All this in laughter guys, I would never seriously bash elderly people, just venting here.

It's back to work tomorrow and I'm anticipating the next two weeks to be really tough because the CEO of my company will be there. Hopefully I'll be able to get away at some point in between. So in light of this, I am sorry if I get to right to you often, although I promise I'll try.

I had this really great date planned tonight. This really great, handsome, stand up guy who has his shit figured out wanted to take me out. Any girl would be lucky to have him take them out and I canceled it. Why you ask? I can't figure that out. Just a feeling? Just an impulse? Because what I want is so close but so far away. Because I'm already seeing someone who makes even a great guy hold no comparison. Because I'm really stupid basically. At this point in time, it seems like I'm at a crossroads. My hearts pulling me one way and my heads pushing me in the complete opposite direction. Makes you wonder why they can't agree on anything. I spent the weekend trying to weight the options. Risk it or close myself off. I write about all the guys that turn out to be disappointments. But none of them really made me scared to feel. He does. What makes it happen like that? Is it the thrill of the fall? Is it the fire I feel when he touches me? Is it just a romanticized idea that I can't help but create in my head? Or is it real? Is it how I'm completely myself around him? Is it how I can't stop laughing when I'm with him? Is it how my body tingles every time he kisses me? I'm going to have to keep taking it day to day. Maybe at some point I'll be able to answer my questions. Time always answers questions. I've always been one to go with my heart and hopefully I didn't make the wrong decision tonight. Time will tell. Until next time, Over n' Out!

MW

"I'm a satellite heart lost in the dark, I'm spun out so far you stop I start, but I'll be true to you."

So I'm upset. I just wrote this entire blog for you tonight and when I went to post it, there was a server error and I lost my entire blog which I was very proud of so lets see if I can make another one just as good with all the right details.

Today was a beautiful fall day. I walked out of the house in my new little white fleet coat and brown uggs excited that I'm actually able to wear these without sweating. I strolled over to my dew covered car and made my way to work. I love Fall. I would say that it's my favorite season but that would be a lie. I love all the seasons and feel grateful that we have defined seasons that we're able to really enjoy ( and hate) in its own way. There's fall's leaves, winter's snow, spring's rain, and summer's heat. All of these leave room for some romantic imagination which lets face it, if we didn't have any imagination life would be boring and pointless.

Last night after I logged off from you all, I had somewhat of an emotional night. I'm actually very proud of myself for getting up this morning and getting through another day. You see after I wrote to you all, I took a minute and looked through all the different pictures I have of my grandfather which if you have been reading from the beginning you would know that he died last December. Besides my father, he was the best man I knew. There's this one picture of him on the couch, he cant be older than 35 and hes leaning into my uncle when he was younger. He looks happy and peaceful. He wasn't ashamed to show his love for his family or my grandmother for that matter, who was the love of his life. You see my grandfather and grandmother raised 8 kids in a 3 bedroom house so you can imagine the chaos. But each and every one of their children turned out to be the most loving and strongest people I know. I feel truly blessed to have their genes.

After my tearful trip down memory lane all I really wanted was to be held tight in bed and drift into unconsciousness with someone whispering comforting things in my ear. I thought I was going to get what I wanted, but you can guess that didn't happen. So I wept myself to sleep and remembered one of the greatest men alive. I have to remind myself that those types of men do exist, its just that the ones I meet have very big shoes to fill because I have very good men already in my family and life.

By the time I had made it to work this morning I had no time to really think about any personal problems because I get so caught up in work. 5:30 finally came around and I made my way home. Dinner ( pasta tonight) and television with my father followed. I sat on the opposite end of the couch with my hands resting behind my head, my legs on the ottoman, feet crossed and I peered over at my father. He was in the same exact position. Makes me smile that I'm so much like my father in that way.

Things are slowly getting better and I know that part of it is talking to you about all this. Even though you don't know who I am, it's nice to know that somewhere someone out there wants to take the time to read what my day is all about. Even if you do know my real identity, or what I really look like, or what I really do with my day, this is what really goes through my mind. These are the things that I think about at the end of the day. There's no getting any closer than this. So thank you... for giving a damn... your what gets me through the times I don't think I'll get through at all. Until next time, Over n' Out!

MW

"Love you sweet cheeks!" "Move on Baby, I complete you!"

Alright time for bigger and better things. Today was interesting. I woke up to the most obnoxious buzzing in my ear, oh yeah my alarm clock! HA! Ever have one of those mornings where the warm crease your body has formed in your intensely comfortable bed causes you to almost be late for work. These fall mornings are exactly that. I stretched my arms and made my way up the stairs to the shower, not without tripping once of course! :) After successfully getting myself put together for work without finding my way back to my bed, I strolled into the kitchen to make my lunch. As this was occurring, I jumped and spilt my salad all over the floor. What caused this you ask? I still don't know, but whatever made that loud sound in my chimney will probably keep me up tonight! That's right, I'm now convinced theres a bat in my chimney. CREEPY. So work was ummmm RIDICULOUS today! I swear god wanted to make me pay for having yesterday off. It was intense. Hopefully this just means that the work week will go by pretty fast. Speaking of work, I cringe thinking about the sound of my ringing phone, the clicking of my pen as I impatiently wait for the customer at the other end of the phone to decide whether or not he wants me to put insurance on his shipment or not. That really did happen! HA
Thankfully we all remember to laugh at work too. You see at work, I'm known as Miss Sunshine. No this is not because I have blonde hair, or smile a lot. Well I do smile a lot, but its because I act like a fool when its really needed. Like when my coworkers know that they're about to spend their entire day answering phones, I like to message them from across the room and remind them of the dick wade I'm dealing with on the phone cant POSSIBLE be as bad the one I'm putting up with, so smile! :D haha oh MW.
So despite my work humor, I walked into my house tonight with the intense aroma of garlic running through my nose. I thought I was going to DIE, I was so hungry. I stroll up the stairs, again not without tripping once ( LOL ) and see my lovely mother sweating in the kitchen. I mean she was literally sweating. I peered inside the oven and immediately started salivating. I cant even repeat what she made but it was the worlds best frigging pork chops. After lovely family conversation over dinner, I laughed at the lovey banter between my parents. You see my father has this really embarrassing hobby. He does crosswords in the bathroom. Like he'll actually be done with his business and sit on the toilet to finish it. Anyways, he's always trying to get my sister and I to do it, but a crossword puzzle is the LAST thing on my mind. Well tonight, as we're cleaning the kitchen, my father started chuckling. I ask him what he's laugh about. He then goes into detail about how he left my mother a little message in the crossword puzzle and she left him one back, but he did not think my mother left it. The message she left said, " Move on Baby, I complete you!" My mother said this as in a loving way of saying she completes my father and informing him to move on to the next puzzle. My father however thought it was one of us children, speaking in a little Mexican voice saying, " Move-on-baby-I-complete-you!!!"
I said to my father,"Dad you have some serious bathroom issues!"
Not only did this make me laugh for the rest of the night, but it did make me go look at the crossword puzzle and smile at the thought that my parents, who have been together forever, still leave each other these cute little messages. It makes me seriously not worry about whats going to happen in the future. Hopefully I'll meet someone to do toilet crossword puzzles with, and get to completely gross our kids by it. Until next time, Over n' Out!

MW

Please, please, please, let me get what I want

Alright now I know what you're all thinking right now. This girl does NOT know how to start things she finishes and I do apologize to all my readers who have been disappointed by my non posts. If I spent the time to right down everything that has happened in the last six months I would have the longest book to date.
Lets start here, I have a new job! YAY MW! I've been with this new company for awhile now and I have to say that although it has its stressful times, it feels so good to meet new people with new perspectives. It's also nice to get away from all the testosterone! I get my weekends to myself, I have a little extra money to pamper myself and I don't have to wake up at the crack of dawn. Have I ever mentioned I'm NOT a morning person? Not at all!! My sleep talking is probably a result of wanting to sleep much longer than a normal human being. HA!
I had this lovely holiday off. I say lovely not only because I did not have to work and got paid for it, but also because the weather was beautiful! I went to the park with my sisters and all the kids. It was hectic but nice at the same time.
Lately I find myself in kind of a drag ( is that the right word?) Everything in my life is changing, some for the good, some for the bad, but change is happening. Sometimes I want to laugh, sometimes I want to cry, sometimes I want to scream at the top of my lungs, "WHY ME?!!!" Then I remember that good things happen to good people but it didn't mean that bad things didn't happen to good people too. Bad things happen everyday. People die, people leave you, people eat the last snickers that you were really looking forward to eating! Seriously though, we have to remember that these are not the things that define us. The things that define us are what we do after bad karma comes to hit us in the face. Embrace it, cope, move on, make it through another day.
Very recently, I lost a best friend. She didn't die or anything but we had a falling out. It tested me, she was a big part of my life. She was like another sister, she was who I went to when there was no else there. It took me awhile to really see that just because we went separate ways does not mean that I feel any less about her. I care about her deeply and I always will, but I cant dwell in what happened. Do I think we will ever be friends again? No, I don't. Too much has happened and been said, but that doesn't mean I have to look back at our time together and grieve or get upset. If anything, being able to look at our friendship as beautiful for what it was makes me feel like I'll be okay and I'll move on from it. I'll make other friends, I'll love other people and trust again, but I'll be okay.
Moments don't have to define us, we decide to let them define us. Moments are just memories that either hold us in or lighten us up, but they're still just that, memories. I take pride in how I'm able to laugh and smile after just getting my heart ripped out. Because even though that pain is finding its way into every rip in my heart, it does not define me. It does not say whether I am a good or bad person, it does not tell me what I do and do not deserve, and it sure as hell is not what makes me get up every morning. You see there's always a staircase. You can either say on the ground or get up, walk up a step a day and eventually make your way out of the basement into the sunshine and do what you were meant to do, live. You make take a step back only to take a few steps up again, but you do it none the less. You make a conscious effort to not continue in the rut.
Wow that was depressing. I needed to get that off my chest. So here's my topic for the day: Love.
How we get it, how we lose it, how we take it for granted, and how we let it rule us. I walked around the park today and studied every parent. The single ones, the married ones, the ones that are just barely tolerating each other for their child. All different kinds of love, but love non the less. I walked my 20 month old nephew to the swings, he so badly wanted to go on it. When you're that age, all you want to do is go on the swings. Oh how I wish the biggest thing I wanted was to go on a swing. HA! Later on in the day I went over to my sisters CHAOTIC household and sat on the couch listening the whining and the yelling and the fighting over toys. I still don't know how my sister does it! It can be a big headache, but that's not why I go over there. I go there because my nephew calls me by the wrong name because he can't say mine, because my other nephew is excited to show me his wiggly tooth, because my little niece loves shutting me up in the middle of a conversation so I can watch her jump up and down. Yes its chaotic, but I wouldn't miss it for a thing. That's the kind of love people forget to look for. I could sit here and be depressed about how every man in my life continuously turns out to be a total douche bag and how no one loves me. But it's a lie. I have a big network of people who do love me, who do appreciate me, so yeah its sad that I still have not met a man who has decided that what he feels for me is strong enough to make him fight for me, but I'm okay with that because I have enough love around me that I'll be okay. I'm not falling on the floor. I'm not lost. I know exactly who I am, I know exactly where I'm going, and I don't need a man to remind me of that. My crazy, insane, overbearing, never ending thought process is all apart of what's made me this. MW. I'm the girl that will eat the last piece of cake, I trip up the stairs because I'm clumsy, I still cry when I watch Titanic, and I drift into my own world at times. I know who I am, I know who loves me and who I love. That's all I really need right now and if a man comes along, he's going to have to love the me that I love. Until next time, Over n' Out!!

MW