"This could really be the good life."

Hope. Faith. Love.

What do these words really mean? It's one of the biggest questions that every individual in the world searchs for at one point in their life. I could sit here and load you with a whole bunch of bullshit that would make you feel better about the fact that no one really has any answers. I could even make you feel like at least I know what I'm talking about. Maybe that would make things like hope, faith, and love real. Feelings and emotions are just that. There arent higher meanings or signs that string you to the right path. Our life is exactly what we make it. Happy, sad, angry, selfish, your pick.

The reason people have such trouble accepting happiness is because theyre too focused on figuring out if they are or not. How about we just feel it? Does this mean that if we approach life in this way then we'll never experience sadness? No, it doesnt. Sadness is a part of life just as much as happiness. Some people say, " You have to go through the bad to get to the good." These people are very smart. They're willing to except that experiencing sadness is just another way of appretiating happiness. Instead of focusing so much on what our mind is telling us, we need to spend more time feeling. If you wake up one day and feel like a truck hit you, then lay in bed all day, cry, and allow the grief to take you over. Then one day, you'll wake up, the sun will be shinning through your window and something will hit you. You'll get out of bed, you'll go to the mirror and you'll smile. Maybe this happiness is short lived, but it's not about being happy all the time, it's about letting yourself feel whatever you want to feel.

One that note, this is no way means that we should ignore our thoughts, we just can't let them override us. Follow your gut, follow your heart, however you want to put it. If you dont, there will be so much you miss out on and ultimately regret starts to set in, leaving you with endless thoughts of what if. What if I got on that plane, what if I ran after her, What if I finished college, what if I let him go. You could spend your life thinking up what ifs, but we should be living those what ifs. Sometimes it works out exactly how we want it to and other times we're crushed to our core, but at least we don't have to wonder what if.

I had a conversation with my sister over breakfast today and I explained that if we never took chances or risked everything we're sure about, we would never reap the rewards. Taking the same route to work everyday, staying in a doomed relationship, doing your laundry every single Sunday. You might get along fine with this, but eventually there's a detour, she leaves you, and your laundry machine breaks. What do you do then? Everything you knew is wrong and you never ventured out or took a risk to know anything different. Do yourself a favor and learn a second route to work, let them go to fall in love again, and do your laundry on a Wednesday. It's amazing what a difference it makes.

Every experience makes us learn, grow, and mature. If we didn't have them, we'd be a bunch of horny teenagers our whole life, making a complete mockary of ourselves. Maybe things like hope, faith, and love arent about holding on when you want to give up, or believing in miracles, or thinking life is suppose to have some magical meaning that leads you to the right destiny. Maybe hope, faith, and love are how we cope. They're just how we get from a to b. They're how we justify our actions, they're how we grief. If we didn't have them, how would anything make sense? Why would we follow our heart, why would we live out our what ifs, why would anything have any value? Instead of defining things, we just need to live it.

I read this quote the other day that said, "Everyday you meet thousands of people, and then you meet one that makes you question everything you believed about yourself." I could write a novel about this one quote! It has truth behind it but it's also very deceiving. On one end, I see so much truth to this because I do believe that meeting one person can make you question everything you have ever believed about yourself. On the other end, this person may not love you back, they may be married, they may even be someone you're related to. As humans, we romanticize everything, which lets face it is how I view everything, but we seem to think that our happiness and our love depends on one person. Falling in love is one of the greatest things in the world. I fall in love with my nephew everytime I see him. Does that make me a creepier? No, it makes me a really grateful aunt. Falling in love is not niave or crazy. It takes one second to fall in love with someone. So what's the point of all this? I guess when it comes down to it all I can really do hope that my faith will lead me to love, in any form. That's how I get from a to b. That is how I cope. That is how I get over the men that break my heart. You can't take away this girls shine.

Until Next time, Over n' Out!
MW

" To all the women that deserve better."

*I just feel the need to vent really quickly*

Is there a decent guy out there that has no baggage? I don't think there is. More importantly, I can't seem to wrap my mind around why women who don't HAVE baggage fall for guys with it? It's like we want to take on some of their baggage so that they have less. I don't know about you, but I'm all set with that.

Someone close to me is seeing someone who just got divorced. Now even though things have been going really great, everyone seems to remind her not to invest all of herself into a man who probably has a whole deal of emotional issues that he has to sort out. But like I said last night, we can't help who we fall in love with.

On that note, this guy has managed to do all the right things so far but I'm slowly seeing the end result of a great woman investing herself into a man that just does not deserve her.

Why do we do that? These men don't see a good thing when they have it. They'd rather fuck around with high school girls or drunk women at bars. Why? Why does this happen? Because for the life of me, I can't seem to understand why a man can take a look at every great thing that you are and decide,"I'm gonna try else where."

If someone could PLEASE explain this too me, it would be awesome! Oh and if you are one of those guys who appretiates a women for who she is and what she has to offer, where the HELL have you been?

Okay, I'm done. Thanks! :)
MW

" Not ready for a fix."

Since the last time I talked to you, I had a big epiphany. For months now, I've been analyzing every part of my love life wondering what it is about me that makes men not want to commit. I finally and almost stupidly came to the conclusion that it is NOT me, it's them. I know that sounds obvious, but a lot of the time we don't see those types of things no matter how obvious they are. It's easier to blame it on ourselves because at least we have the power to change ourselves, but not others.

When everything in our life is going good, you tend to stress on one aspect to keep yourself occupied. For some people its their job, others it's money, for me it's love. Call me optimistic but I still believe with everything in me that there is one person in the world that will change everything you believe about yourself. This doesn't necessarily mean they will spend their life with you or that they'll even love you back, but things have a way of happening and shaking us down to our core.

With this new found knowledge, that every man I've ever dated was a total and utter douche bag, I now see the pattern in which I date. I choose men who aren't looking for something stable and reliable. I choose men who are just out of a marriage or relationship, who have always saw me as just a friend, who are leaving for Iraq, who live miles and miles away. MaybeI crave the romanced involved in that or almost enjoy the thrill of it all. I remember having a conversation with my sister recently and we were trying to figure out the common factor in all these guys because they all did the same thing, they left me or just didn't commit. Then I would drown in my sorrows and obsess for a couple months before finding the next best disaster. What's the common factor in all these men? They're all looking for an escape. They're looking for something temporary, not something that makes them stick and stop running around in circles. I also came into the realization ( thanks to a dear friend ) that I'm the fix. I'm stability, I'm realization, I'm real. These men don't choose me because they don't want a fix. They want to keep going the route they are because of whatever circumstance they're in.

Side note*** (I know if you don't know the situations with these men, it sounds as if I was just a rebound, but it was never like that. It was always some crazy romance or crazy dating game. Feelings would be invested on both parts, but it would never work out. Hence why I'm trying to figure this all out. I've stayed friends with a good amount of my exs and I'm proud to say they all say loving things about me. )

Now I know what you're thinking. I have the power to stay away from these men. But do I? Can we help who we fall in love with? I don't think we do. What I do have the power of is walking away when I should. Falling in love is nothing to be ashamed of, but getting walked all over? That is. Once a man stops showing that he doesn't care as much as I do, I should be walking away, not trying to make him see how sexy I am, or how much we have in common, or how to miss me. He knows. I don't have to remind him. But we always want what we can't have right? So I continue to torture myself until someone new comes along that showers me with attention.

This very attractive gentlemen stopped me on my way out of the mall today. He was trying to raise money for Teen Challenge, which is an organization for people who have hard lives and need help, usually because of drugs and alcohol. Not only did I get to flirt with this adorable man ( I should have gave him my number) but I donated money to them. I walked out of that mall with my head held high and a big smile on my face. Not only because this guy just flirted with me for 10 minutes, but because I just helped a lost teenager.

So what's the moral of today's chit chat? Stop settling and do some good! I wish I could speak to teenage girls and tell them to never let a guy make you feel like who you are isn't worth being with or enough. You are enough. And if a man doesn't show you that, hold your head high and run away! There will be another guy who will come along and be really happy you did.

I've gotten into the habit of chanting, "I'm a fix, I'm a fix, I'm a fix," every time I start to get down on myself. My life is my own and instead of investing my love into a man that doesn't want it, I'm going to invest it into not only the people that DO want it, but the people who need it.

Oh and dating? I'm gonna stop for awhile. It's been awhile since I just dealt with myself for a bit and I don't need a man to make me complete. I think the best way to think about it is if I stay around waiting for him to love me, I'll miss out on the guy that will without question.

I'm very blessed to have a good head on my shoulders, a warm bed every night, and a big heart that sees the good things more than the bad. Our potential is only what we make it. So for now, I'm gonna hold my head high, take my pride, and walk out that fucking door! I'm not your escape and you're not ready for a fix.

MW

"Funny when you're dead how people start listening."

Ahh I finally have some down time where I'm able to talk to you. What a crazy week!

Work has been busy, like it always is. I am honestly so thankful to have a job that keeps me occupied all day because I have no idea what I would do if I was still working part time and had all that time to think. As you can tell I already think way to much, so you can imagine what it's like when I have even more time on my hands.

I had an epiphany this week. I say this not only because I've opened my eyes to certain situations in my life, but I've actually started moving forward.

One step at a time, that's what they say. Even though this saying holds a lot of value, I like to say,"Take a few steps at a time," And if you step back every once and a while, at least your still farther from where you started, as long as you don't go all the way back. I'm going to start applying this to my life. Little by little, I've managed to change some things about myself that needed some work on. I still have a long way to go until I'm happy with myself, but I'm getting there.

I spent a majority of my week at my sisters after work. I pretty much live there during the week at night. I laughed at my 2 year old nephew who bounced up and down flapping his arms around like the rapper on the music video playing on the computer. I'm pretty sure he's the cutest little boy in the world and I love bragging about him!

My niece had her 3rd birthday this week and I still can't believe it. It feels like yesterday I was babysitting this little newborn who cried every 2 seconds if you weren't holding her. She's going to be one hot ticket. When I tell her no or take something away that she shouldn't have, she looks at me and says, "SHH! I'm gonna call the cops on you!" Then proceeds to take out her "phone" and call the cops on me. HA! I love it, makes me smile just thinking about it.

Tonight was extremely eventful. I went over after the kids had gone to bed and enjoyed some dinner with just my sister. My brother-in-law is away for work and I've been able to have quality sister time! I'm happy to admit that we literally spent all night watching prank youtube video's and SNL skits. I could go on for days about the little inside jokes we have, but I doubt you would understand. We then continued to talk about relatives and how the holidays are going to be ridiculous. She told me about how she had a 3 hour phone conversation with our grandmother the other day and she went on and on about the silver jump suit she bought my sister and how AMAZING it would look on her... umm yah... haha It's all in good humor though because we know where her heart is.

Tomorrow's the weekend and I'm extremely excited to see what it brings. Every weekend is a new adventure and some kind of new story. I'm starting to finally feel like myself again.

I was watching that show Millionaire Matchmakers tonight. You know that Patty girl who matches Millionaires with Millionaires. Besides my jealousness of these Millionaires, I feel bad for them and that they have to spent tons of money to pay someone else to basically pick someone for them.

On tonight's episode there were two women millionaires. The first woman was incredibly beautiful and had a really good head on her shoulders with a really great career. Her career was her life and she earned every part of it. Even though this is a great quality to have as a woman, it hurts her love life. Not only could she be deemed as "high maintenance" but she was use to the celebrity world and expected that from every man she met. It made me a little sad to see that such a successful woman had trouble finding the right man. When we can't find love, we're encouraged to focus on ourselves and do what we need to do to make ourselves happy. Well she did that, but does that mean that we have to sacrifice love? Does that mean that love wont find us? It also makes me wonder if she was always that way, driven to have this amazing career. Or did she get hurt from a man and decide screw it, I'm going to make something of myself.

Then there was Millionaire number 2. She was a mess. She was DEFINITELY going through a mid-life crisis and had no idea who she was at the age of 46. A woman who had been married for 17 years and suddenly found herself acting like she was 18 all over again. It's actually scary. Here's a woman who probably gave everything she had into her marriage and afterward even though she looked great and had her life together, was a complete mess. Is this what happens? She went of a date with a really great guy and the entire time she wasn't relaxed. She was uptight and came off very fake. It makes me sad seeing a woman fall apart like that and not be able to open herself up to a man. I feel thankful to know that I haven't lost faith in myself and that I'm not nearly as damaged as this woman.

When your life falls apart, we either pick ourselves up off the floor and make something of our lives, Millionaire number 1, or we fall apart and make a mess of who we are, Millionaire number 2. Either way, we still end up alone. How do we stop it? Do we continue to take those chances? Or do we guard ourselves? Is it insensitive or smart? Maybe both woman are insecure deep down and its not about having a great career or appearing to be okay. Maybe it's about truly moving on and being comfortable in your own skin. Maybe once we're secure with who we are and where we're going in life, that's the only time that you're able to see and appreciate another individual who is in the same place in their life. And that's the love you wait for. Because it's not tainted or taken for granted. You love them because you want to love them not because you need to.

Maybe that's the adventure that I need to go on. The one with myself. So that when it's all said and done, I won't need love from another person because the love I have for myself will be more than enough. The love from the people around me and from a special person, it'll be a gift, that I won't take for granted in any way.

Until Next Time, Over N' Out!
MW

"If love is ocean wide, we'll swim through the tears we cried."

I'm starting to worry that I'm getting writers block. I tend to forget to write about the important stuff because I'm too busy living it. I have to remember that the good stuff is worth writing about. I like to write about the bad stuff because that way it's at least out of my mind, but just because I write about the good stuff doesn't mean it's going to be lost from my mind.

On that note. Things have been going a lot better than they were 3 weeks ago. I've noticed more and more the people in my life that love me and I'm grateful more and more each day. Life's too short to not recognize the good things we DO have.

My best friend, Miss Air Force. She went back to Japan. I didn't even say goodbye. I miss her already. We had a really great couple weeks and I have to say that I'm really glad that she was here when things were falling apart around me. It's funny how some things work out. I was worried that I was going to be too occupied with other things and I would neglect to spend time with her, but I spent all my time with her and I don't regret one part of it.

Last week I went on a date. He was nice. That's all I can really say though. His car smelt like cow shit ( I didn't judge), but if that wasn't enough to turn me off him talking about how women "just date him to have someone good looking on their arm" (as if he is gods gift)surely ruined my appetite for the evening. I straggled to my sisters afterward with everyone to have an amusing night of drunken stupidity. I was able to forget Cow Shit Boy and flirt with my ex boyfriend who was there for an ego boost(don't judge).

I spend the next day hung over and doing absolutely nothing, it was productive!

This past week went by nice and fast though, especially with the nice holiday Thursday. ( Thank you veterans for keeping us all safe )

I spend the day about 45 minutes from home with some good friends and enjoyed a day of doing nothing. We walked around shops, got some lunch, went to the mall, checked out men. Which reminds me...

We stopped at a little lunch nook for some grub. This attractive construction worker came in. I noticed him quickly but was so absorbed in whatever I was talking about, I didn't pay much attention to him. That was until he had gotten his food and started walking toward his seat. I glanced at him, he nodded, and smiled. I blushed and briefly imagined him grabbing me, kissing me intensely, and throwing me on the table to take me right then and there. Hey a girl can imagine. Then as we left, he sat sideways in his chair and continued to stare with one eyebrow raised as I put my jacket one. My fantasy popped back into my head. Thankfully we were going outside for some fresh air because OH BOY, it was getting hot in there. I laugh at it now but damnnnnnnnnnnnn! haha

We then went to the movies ( sneaking in our fast food in my GIANT purse, everyone does that right?) and saw a movie I had already seen. Not that I minded because any movie that makes me laugh is worth seeing over and over and over.

Today has been interesting. I woke up early and decided to catch up on two weeks of recorded shows that I have neglected to watch. My father came out ( upset that I claimed the television because he usually gets up before me and claims it himself)and we started talking about men. We got into a heated argument about how my mother recollects her and my fathers courtship before they got married. He swears he knew he wanted to be with my mother, but that he didn't want a girlfriend. She swears he didn't want a relationship or a girlfriend. Either way, he smartened up, and she lowered her expectations and here they are 22 years down the road and still passionately in love. I can only hope and wait for the day to come along when I can argue with my husband about how things went down when we were dating. haha

I then proceeded to go get my oil changed and visit with my garage boys that I can never get enough of seeing. After, I picked up Mister Savior and we went to clean my car. It's now nice and clean :) and sexy of course! We went and got some subway and now he's looking at me while I write this saying to himself, "LETS GO OUT!" haha But he's funny if he thinks I'm going out tonight.

Ever just have days when all you want to do is catch up on some sleep? That's what I need! My job is draining, my emotions have been even more draining, and all I really want to do is snuggle with my big comforter ( haha ) and shut my little cat like eyes and drift of into my unconscious where Mister Sexy Construction Worker makes me feel like a woman! HA I think my non existent sex life is getting to me...

Really though? I want something intense to happen. I've been catching myself daydreaming constantly. I think up little scenarios in my head that I want to happen. They're not really crazy things, just intense.

Anyways, I should go entertain Mister Savior... he may stop hanging out with me if he catches on to how boring I really am! ;) Just kidding, he's family, there's no getting rid of me! :D

Until Next time, Over N' Out!
MW

" A posted note of dreams."

Ahhh Happy late Halloween! How was your weekend? Mine was absolutely amazing. What started off as a slow start turned into one of the best weekends I've had in awhile. Friday night was dull. I stayed in, took a hot bath and caught up on some much needed sleep. Saturday was where it was at! HA

I woke up way too early for a Saturday and made my way upstairs to have my usual morning relaxation with my father. I then got myself off the couch, took a shower, and headed off to see the guys I use to work with at the shop. It made me realize how much I miss working with all them. They were all excited to see me and asked when I was coming back. They brighten up my day and boost my confidence. Sometimes a girl needs to be reminded how great she is.

The rest of the day consisted of walking through sand dunes and going through old freaky factories with Mr. Savior. I say he's mister savior because he seriously has brightened me back up to my sunshiny self. Of course this adventure didn't go without me tripping many times. Also there was a snake... yah I'm not getting into that. I hate snakes!

After much convincing, I got him to come to the Halloween party I attended. We went with a big group of people and I can't remember the last time I had that much fun. All in one night I almost fell down the stairs (shocker), got motor-boated I don't even know how many times, and saw a close friends tits right in my face... hmm WHAT was in that jungle juice?! I promise my life is not usually this intense. I safely got home and passed out drunk and happy.

Sunday was a day of re cooperation (which continued into today) and story telling about the crazy things that happened the night before. My sister actually did fall down the stairs! Hahaha!

Work was intense and I'm happy it's not going to be Monday anymore in about a half an hour. I went to dinner with Mr. Savior tonight and we went and played some pool afterword. The littlest things take my mind off shit, it amazes me and he just makes me feel so much better about myself. Mr. Savior is my cousin by the way and I come from a very close family. I love them to death and I don't know what I would do without them.

There are always 800 different emotions running through my mind all day but as long as I go to bed with a smile on my face I'll be okay. What's that saying? "Never frown, because you never know who's falling love with your smile." Life should be like that. No one wants to be around someone who is sad so I'd rather be happy even if somewhere deep down I'm a little sad. It'll pass. Nobody said it was easy.

The truth is, life is too short and precious to be anything but happy. We can spend our lives being sad or angry over the things that don't work out or over what we don't have but at the end of the day its not about what you don't have but what you do have. Appreciate the things you have and accept that you're going to get let down sometimes. Sooner or later this foreign feeling will spread over you. It's called happiness. It'll lighten everything up again.

I drove home from work today and the sky was a mixture of blue and pink and purple. You know when it looks like cotton candy. By the time I got home it was almost dark out but for about 10 minutes I drove down a straight road and just watched the sky change colors. Its magical how something can change so quickly.

One step at a time right? That's what I always tell myself when things get rough. I have this tendency to forget my strengths. It's in my loved ones that I remember what I'm made of. If I didn't have them to remind me, I'd probably crumble. I have the power to do anything I put my mind to. So I'm gonna get off my lazy ass and make my dreams come true. I don't mean the little shit, I mean the big stuff. There's no better time than now to do everything I dreamed off. I have this montage on my wall of posted notes. They all have different things I want to do before I die. I think it's time to start doing them and one by one taking them off the wall. Maybe replace them with pictures of proof that I did it. Well see. I'll figure it out, in the mean time it's time to start really living my life. I AM a twenty something year old with a big smile and some killer legs... what else do I need?? HA! Until next time, Over n' Out!

MW