Crazy. That's honestly the only way to describe my life lately. Between work, appointments, working out, and every day errands, I swear I should get an award for my multitasking skills.
Work has proven to test my limits. I think my company is trying to make me crack at the seams. The busiest time of the year and the work load has pretty much tripled since the beginning of the summer. Thankfully the group of people I work with are more colorful than ever which makes every thing bareable. Between gossiping about our adventurous weekends and laughing about our ridiculous nicknames for each other and things, like Big Red and Boontata (spelling?), the day flies and I leave every day with a smile on my face... well most days that is haha
I've been on a new work out obsession. If I don't get in some kind of activity, I feel like a big pile of shit. This weekend I decided to try out my mothers Pilates machine that has been collecting dust in my basement. I made the mistake of trying it without watching the demo DVD first. Note to anyone who uses a exercise machine for the first time: READ OR WATCH THE MANUAL! I'm not going to get into the gory details, but it ended with me sitting on a bag of ice for the rest of the day wishing I wasn't so conceded about my non Pilate skills haha Once I watched the demo DVD and learned the work out routines, I became obsessed. It's my new love and the only thing I'm allowing to open my legs with out hesitation! haha
Other than that so much is coming up and I can not wait to tell you about how it unfolds. With the long weekend coming up and the holiday, I plan on being intoxicated for most of it. Friday night is still open, but parties are lined up for the rest of the weekend, which means a lot of mishing ( a term one of my girl friends and I came up with for "man fishing"), a lot of drunken laughs, and shit ton of eating the best kinds of food. You only live once right?!
Being single has been a pain in the ass but such a blessing at the same time. I don't feel guilty about flirting with the guys that come through work everyday (there's at least 3 a day!), I don't feel obligated to invite my other half to everything I go to, I don't worry about what someone else is going to think about every action I make. I can breathe, be independent, come and go as I please. Please myself and not settle for anything I don't feel I deserve.
Dating's a bitch and no one can tell me otherwise. It's awkward, most times uncomfortable, and you're potentially putting yourself out there just to get burned all over again. My best advice to any woman going through a breakup, take you're time! No man needs to fill a void in your heart, fill your own void! You're going to date again and the next guy may not make your heart skip the way your ex did but you went back out there and maybe it gave you some confidence, maybe it gave you a laugh, maybe its just another story you get to tell but don't rush it. We make the mistake of trying to find someone to replace the last person and it's not getting over anything, it's pushing the past in the closest where it could come back out and bite you in the ass at any minute (i.e ending up going back to your shitty ex that really doesn't deserve you). Learn how to be independent, not alone but independent. Very rarely are you ever going to really be alone, it may not feel that way but it's true.
I spent this past week listening to multiple girls tell me their stories about guys who came in and out of their lives in a matter of weeks, months, years, and I started to realize that all these woman were amazing in their own special ways but they were all burned in the same fashion. Love came and went almost as quickly as they found it. I asked them how they got over it, they all told me time. Isn't that the expected answer? But I also noticed that not one of these girls were in new relationships. I asked them if they weren't over their ex's and they all told me in different ways that they were over them, they just didn't meet someone worth fighting for like that again. I found it inspirational. Maybe we should all remember we're our own saviors and our lives are only what we make it! So make it fucking juicy and worth remembering!!!
Until Next Time, Over N' Out
MW
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
"A little simple can go a long way."
Sunday Funday. What a simple concept. Remember the days when Sunday consisted of sleeping late, playing catch with the family at the local park, and ending with a feast with all your loved ones. Stores were closed and the only important thing you had to do was relax before another grueling work week.
I traveled a couple towns over with my parents to cheer on my uncle for his 6th consecutive year in riding his bike in honor of my Aunt who died from cancer. On the way home, we drove into the surrounding towns remembering the old convenient store my father would take my sisters to get loaded up with candy and slush puppies and the curvy streets he would speed down when we were younger to get our blood pumping with excitement. Old days. They were much more simple.
Once home, my sister and I lounged around the house watching movies and enjoying the essence of a rainy Sunday morning before venturing out to grab some lunch. We strolled into a local shopping plaza and I gazed out wide eyed at the amount of people out shopping and dinning. It was pouring outside and people still traveled from all over to get last minute school shopping done, grab a bite or two before making it home in time for their prime time shows to start on HBO. I'm not going to lie, I half participated in this.
In any event it got me thinking about simplicity. How just 20 years ago, it didn't take a lot to make us happy. I can only speak so much for myself as a twenty something living my 'golden years' in a society where it takes more to be "happy", but listening to the stories my parents tell make a girl think. Like how hitch hiking was natural, or how Sunday's were family days and nothing else. Has society forgotten simplicity or is it just natural as time goes on to expect more.
I still think the best days are ones spend in the park, reading a book, soaking up the sun. And my most peaceful times have been when a phone or computer were no where in sight. Maybe that should be the focus. Simplicity. Learning that stress is just something that makes you go gray faster. Remembering that family should be everything to you. And simplicity can be found in a convenient store, down a curvy crazy road, or right at home... where the heart is.
Until Next Time, Over N' Out
MW
I traveled a couple towns over with my parents to cheer on my uncle for his 6th consecutive year in riding his bike in honor of my Aunt who died from cancer. On the way home, we drove into the surrounding towns remembering the old convenient store my father would take my sisters to get loaded up with candy and slush puppies and the curvy streets he would speed down when we were younger to get our blood pumping with excitement. Old days. They were much more simple.
Once home, my sister and I lounged around the house watching movies and enjoying the essence of a rainy Sunday morning before venturing out to grab some lunch. We strolled into a local shopping plaza and I gazed out wide eyed at the amount of people out shopping and dinning. It was pouring outside and people still traveled from all over to get last minute school shopping done, grab a bite or two before making it home in time for their prime time shows to start on HBO. I'm not going to lie, I half participated in this.
In any event it got me thinking about simplicity. How just 20 years ago, it didn't take a lot to make us happy. I can only speak so much for myself as a twenty something living my 'golden years' in a society where it takes more to be "happy", but listening to the stories my parents tell make a girl think. Like how hitch hiking was natural, or how Sunday's were family days and nothing else. Has society forgotten simplicity or is it just natural as time goes on to expect more.
I still think the best days are ones spend in the park, reading a book, soaking up the sun. And my most peaceful times have been when a phone or computer were no where in sight. Maybe that should be the focus. Simplicity. Learning that stress is just something that makes you go gray faster. Remembering that family should be everything to you. And simplicity can be found in a convenient store, down a curvy crazy road, or right at home... where the heart is.
Until Next Time, Over N' Out
MW
Saturday, August 6, 2011
"Houses of Glass, Praising Jesus, and A Little Bit of Mystery."
Is it really August? Is Summer really half way over? Am I really living back at my parents? How did I get back here?
All these questions run through my mind as I sipped on my wine, laying in my lounge chair on my deck, gazing out at the sun setting on a beautiful August night. Funny how life happens. Like when you think you've figured everything out only to realize you still have a life load of lessons to still learn. Life never seems to be dull that's for sure.
The last couple weeks have been consumed with moving, work, and ... well that's about it. Focusing on myself has become the main task. I feel like a broken record because I know I've said this multiple times. That seems to be how I cope. I opt to 'focus on myself', what ever that actually means. Maybe if I proclaim myself and vow to be a better person, it's bound to pay me back in the long hall... right? Like randomly visiting my lonely grandmother just because I know it'll make her smile, even though I know I'll smell like her for a week. Or putting in extra hours at work knowing I wont get compensated for it. Or even helping a friend in need expecting absolutely nothing in return. Expectations can be a bitch. But if we expect something in return for being a better person, is that really being a better person? Or is that condescending?
I've officially moved back home. This may drive me insane or be exactly what I need... not quite sure just which yet. My mother has a way of being anal about everything, making it difficult to breathe in a house "made of glass" as I like to put it. This is a house where crumbs are not aloud and leaving shoes in the living room? FORGET ABOUT IT! I will say though that the quality time with my father has been missed. Watching mob movies with him recently, for example, is certainly the highlight of my day. I'm smiling just thinking about him saying, "Say hello to my little friend!", as he quotes Scarface. I'm back to late night "Where are you?" and "Can you pick this up for me?" calls. Not that I mind considering I live here for nothing. It's funny remembering the little things that you don't have when you're on your own. Like seeing my little munchkins a ton, which I have been doing a lot of recently. Never again will I let my life get in the way of seeing those kids.
I started seeing a new therapist recently. She was recommended and I'm still trying to figure out why exactly. I've never had a therapist so absolutely absorbed into what I'm saying. I go in, sit down, and say, "Okay where do I start." I then dive into a full blown talk fest about what's been going on, trying not to laugh at her wide eyes, head nodding and full blown body rocking. At one point I thought to myself 'Is she going to suddenly jump out her chair, grab me and shake me saying, "PRAISE JESUS."' and I run out screaming like a 5 year old who just realized Santa's not real. I have a strong opinion about therapy. Mainly because I was in therapy for most of my life. I believe in it, I trust in it. I think it can save you... but she's making me a non believer. Maybe I should consider speaking to someone different.... yah... haha
When I wasn't working or in therapy, I decided to redecorate. I am glad to announce that my bedroom now looks like an Ikea add. You know where they pretty much have nothing really in it, just furniture, lamps, and things on the walls. Some would say 3 mirrors in you're room makes you conceded, I call it Home Decor... maybe a little bit of conceitedness haha
I know what you're all thinking... what about BOYS!! haha What's a good story without a romance hmm? The actual romance part may have to be too be continued, but the boy part? ...
I've thankfully gotten Mister Too Much Potential out of my sights ( I'm sure you recall him from previous posts. I had decided to try to have a relationship with him haha) Note to self: Never date a man who breaks up with you every other month.
Since then the last 2 months has consisted of trying not to sworn men off in the dating world. I've met them all. Tall, short, skinny, rounded, smart, dumb, hot, dorky, cocky, arrogant, childish and immature. Most women would agree that this is most of the male species in the United States between the ages of... well all ages pretty much. I could sit here and tell you all about the guy that told me he's seen better but still proceeded to try to get me to go home with him, or the guy that bragged about how many women he manages to get numbers from when he goes out in hopes that I would give him mine. And don't even get me started on the countless guys who text you asking for dirty pictures, random hookups, or sex texting haha I don't know what women these men meet that give them these things, but it's why chivalry is RARE.
So instead of going on about the ridiculous stories the above men are in, I'll tell you all about the good one. Yes those great guys are out there. The ones that pay for dinner, that open the door for you... that respect you for what you're worth, which should always be everything. So ladies, hold out for him, he's out there and he'll move mountains to be with you. Go slow, take you're time and enjoy every minute of it. Don't expect and don't over analyse even though you really want to. Let life and time take it's course and it'll piece itself together.
Hopefully I'll be telling much much more about this Mister Mystery. Time will tell all.
Until Next Time, Over N' Out!
MW
All these questions run through my mind as I sipped on my wine, laying in my lounge chair on my deck, gazing out at the sun setting on a beautiful August night. Funny how life happens. Like when you think you've figured everything out only to realize you still have a life load of lessons to still learn. Life never seems to be dull that's for sure.
The last couple weeks have been consumed with moving, work, and ... well that's about it. Focusing on myself has become the main task. I feel like a broken record because I know I've said this multiple times. That seems to be how I cope. I opt to 'focus on myself', what ever that actually means. Maybe if I proclaim myself and vow to be a better person, it's bound to pay me back in the long hall... right? Like randomly visiting my lonely grandmother just because I know it'll make her smile, even though I know I'll smell like her for a week. Or putting in extra hours at work knowing I wont get compensated for it. Or even helping a friend in need expecting absolutely nothing in return. Expectations can be a bitch. But if we expect something in return for being a better person, is that really being a better person? Or is that condescending?
I've officially moved back home. This may drive me insane or be exactly what I need... not quite sure just which yet. My mother has a way of being anal about everything, making it difficult to breathe in a house "made of glass" as I like to put it. This is a house where crumbs are not aloud and leaving shoes in the living room? FORGET ABOUT IT! I will say though that the quality time with my father has been missed. Watching mob movies with him recently, for example, is certainly the highlight of my day. I'm smiling just thinking about him saying, "Say hello to my little friend!", as he quotes Scarface. I'm back to late night "Where are you?" and "Can you pick this up for me?" calls. Not that I mind considering I live here for nothing. It's funny remembering the little things that you don't have when you're on your own. Like seeing my little munchkins a ton, which I have been doing a lot of recently. Never again will I let my life get in the way of seeing those kids.
I started seeing a new therapist recently. She was recommended and I'm still trying to figure out why exactly. I've never had a therapist so absolutely absorbed into what I'm saying. I go in, sit down, and say, "Okay where do I start." I then dive into a full blown talk fest about what's been going on, trying not to laugh at her wide eyes, head nodding and full blown body rocking. At one point I thought to myself 'Is she going to suddenly jump out her chair, grab me and shake me saying, "PRAISE JESUS."' and I run out screaming like a 5 year old who just realized Santa's not real. I have a strong opinion about therapy. Mainly because I was in therapy for most of my life. I believe in it, I trust in it. I think it can save you... but she's making me a non believer. Maybe I should consider speaking to someone different.... yah... haha
When I wasn't working or in therapy, I decided to redecorate. I am glad to announce that my bedroom now looks like an Ikea add. You know where they pretty much have nothing really in it, just furniture, lamps, and things on the walls. Some would say 3 mirrors in you're room makes you conceded, I call it Home Decor... maybe a little bit of conceitedness haha
I know what you're all thinking... what about BOYS!! haha What's a good story without a romance hmm? The actual romance part may have to be too be continued, but the boy part? ...
I've thankfully gotten Mister Too Much Potential out of my sights ( I'm sure you recall him from previous posts. I had decided to try to have a relationship with him haha) Note to self: Never date a man who breaks up with you every other month.
Since then the last 2 months has consisted of trying not to sworn men off in the dating world. I've met them all. Tall, short, skinny, rounded, smart, dumb, hot, dorky, cocky, arrogant, childish and immature. Most women would agree that this is most of the male species in the United States between the ages of... well all ages pretty much. I could sit here and tell you all about the guy that told me he's seen better but still proceeded to try to get me to go home with him, or the guy that bragged about how many women he manages to get numbers from when he goes out in hopes that I would give him mine. And don't even get me started on the countless guys who text you asking for dirty pictures, random hookups, or sex texting haha I don't know what women these men meet that give them these things, but it's why chivalry is RARE.
So instead of going on about the ridiculous stories the above men are in, I'll tell you all about the good one. Yes those great guys are out there. The ones that pay for dinner, that open the door for you... that respect you for what you're worth, which should always be everything. So ladies, hold out for him, he's out there and he'll move mountains to be with you. Go slow, take you're time and enjoy every minute of it. Don't expect and don't over analyse even though you really want to. Let life and time take it's course and it'll piece itself together.
Hopefully I'll be telling much much more about this Mister Mystery. Time will tell all.
Until Next Time, Over N' Out!
MW
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
"You can't lose something you never had."
Ever go for a late night drive on a beautiful summer night. Park the car, take out a blanket and stare at the stars. I can recall doing this at every age. When you're young, its the wonder of what could possibly stick in the sky that bright. You become a teenager and the stars start to shed meaning as you grow up and realize life isn't that black and white. As you get older and continue on through the different difficult stages of growing up, the stars mean more and more to you as you think of the possibilities they could mean. How could something so big and so bright with so much power, appear small and gazing. At the same time, it makes you wonder what other things that appear to be one thing are really another.
As I sit in my tiny 2 bedroom apartment and gaze over the busy streets full of life, I wonder what's going through each person's mind. The young couple getting Dell's lemonade, obviously in bliss that schools just about over which means its closer to their freedom to be together all the time. The older woman dressed in a diner uniform speed walking to work probably worried that she's going to be late to her second job that supports her 3 small children. The guy outside the local bar smoking a cigarette with his greased face squinting in the sunlight excited to enjoy his afternoon beer after a long day of working on cars. Every different person, every different scenario. All my assumptions are just that, because the truth of the matter is I have no idea what was going through those people's minds.
Not only do I ponder over my insanely good mind reading skills, I'm dreading the thought of tomorrow. Shouldn't it be the other way around? Especially with the sun shinning and my life being a lot better than most. We're told to always appreciate what we have, which I do. But does it stop us from longing for what we don't have? As someone going through a break up, some would say it should be a relief, others would say it's painful. I consider it numb. You push and you push and you push and eventually there's nothing left there to give. I have nothing left to give. All I have is this single rose sitting on my dresser drawer, dried out and dead. I shouldn't have even kept it. It's sort of ironic. Such a beautiful rose. A thorn less one. Something so precious and so beautiful and so perfect, dead. Makes you wonder if anything that perfect can last. I guess not.
I'm trying to sit and remember the last time that I was genuinely happy in hopes to get back there and the last thing I can remember was moving into this apartment. I had a sense of accomplishment, a sense of freedom. Something that was mine and no one could take it away from me or ruin it or damage it. It's necessary to have those things in you're life because the artificial happiness is only temporary. I'd have to say in the last week my faith has been tested in so many ways. I want to believe that they haven't won. That above all, no one will ever take away my faith and maybe sometime down the line I'll be able to say that again. But for right now, I need to be content with thinking that once again MW is a fool and gets the shit end of the stick. I fell. I fell harder than I really thought I would let myself. Coming from someone who thinks that unrequited or unreturned love is foolish, the joke is definitely on me. I've lived my life thinking that anyone who isn't willing to love you back is not worth an ounce of your time. I overstepped myself and forgot what I believe and I became the ultimate hypocrite to myself. The truth of the matter is, you can't lose something you never had and if you never had it, it was never yours. I spent all this time believing that if I wasn't certain about how things would play out, I was least certain about how he felt about me. What do you do when what you believe isn't real? How do you learn to trust again, how do you open yourself up? Walls are built for a reason right? Maybe it's all just shit. Maybe no one knows anyone and maybe all we do have in the end is ourselves. I guess it's just another chapter I'm gonna have to unfold all myself.
Until Next Time, Over N Out
MW
As I sit in my tiny 2 bedroom apartment and gaze over the busy streets full of life, I wonder what's going through each person's mind. The young couple getting Dell's lemonade, obviously in bliss that schools just about over which means its closer to their freedom to be together all the time. The older woman dressed in a diner uniform speed walking to work probably worried that she's going to be late to her second job that supports her 3 small children. The guy outside the local bar smoking a cigarette with his greased face squinting in the sunlight excited to enjoy his afternoon beer after a long day of working on cars. Every different person, every different scenario. All my assumptions are just that, because the truth of the matter is I have no idea what was going through those people's minds.
Not only do I ponder over my insanely good mind reading skills, I'm dreading the thought of tomorrow. Shouldn't it be the other way around? Especially with the sun shinning and my life being a lot better than most. We're told to always appreciate what we have, which I do. But does it stop us from longing for what we don't have? As someone going through a break up, some would say it should be a relief, others would say it's painful. I consider it numb. You push and you push and you push and eventually there's nothing left there to give. I have nothing left to give. All I have is this single rose sitting on my dresser drawer, dried out and dead. I shouldn't have even kept it. It's sort of ironic. Such a beautiful rose. A thorn less one. Something so precious and so beautiful and so perfect, dead. Makes you wonder if anything that perfect can last. I guess not.
I'm trying to sit and remember the last time that I was genuinely happy in hopes to get back there and the last thing I can remember was moving into this apartment. I had a sense of accomplishment, a sense of freedom. Something that was mine and no one could take it away from me or ruin it or damage it. It's necessary to have those things in you're life because the artificial happiness is only temporary. I'd have to say in the last week my faith has been tested in so many ways. I want to believe that they haven't won. That above all, no one will ever take away my faith and maybe sometime down the line I'll be able to say that again. But for right now, I need to be content with thinking that once again MW is a fool and gets the shit end of the stick. I fell. I fell harder than I really thought I would let myself. Coming from someone who thinks that unrequited or unreturned love is foolish, the joke is definitely on me. I've lived my life thinking that anyone who isn't willing to love you back is not worth an ounce of your time. I overstepped myself and forgot what I believe and I became the ultimate hypocrite to myself. The truth of the matter is, you can't lose something you never had and if you never had it, it was never yours. I spent all this time believing that if I wasn't certain about how things would play out, I was least certain about how he felt about me. What do you do when what you believe isn't real? How do you learn to trust again, how do you open yourself up? Walls are built for a reason right? Maybe it's all just shit. Maybe no one knows anyone and maybe all we do have in the end is ourselves. I guess it's just another chapter I'm gonna have to unfold all myself.
Until Next Time, Over N Out
MW
Monday, April 18, 2011
"I'm telling myself I'll be okay "
"Time heals all wounds." The dreaded phrase that most mothers tell their teenage daughters when some immature little pimply boy breaks up with her for the class slut. Yes this little phrase is told to girls all over the world but is it true? Of course it is! You thought I was going to contradict it? HA!
I had a long mixed up day today. I drove into work, moon roof down, sun shining on my skin, hair blowing in the wind, and the radio... off. That's right, off. Sometimes it's nice to turn the music off and let your mind wander. I strolled into work with mixed emotions. Partly relieved that my horrible weekend was over but dreading the long week that was about to begin. On the bright side, I'm going to sunny Cancun this weekend with yummy drinks and hopefully even yummier cabana boys haha
I had a customer say to me today, " Baby you sound so sad, I wish I was there to put a smile on your face." Not only did the comment make me grin from ear to ear but it made me realize how many good people are out there. This man had no idea who I was or what I was capable of saying back and he offered his kindness just to cheer me up. I could have been an insane bitch who told him to mind his own beeswax and stop calling me baby. I thanked the nice gentlemen and told him that I would be just fine!
Lunch rolled around and I took comfort in talking to an old friend who's latest problem is trying to learn karma Sudra for her nympho boyfriend. I told her to thank god that she had a boyfriend who wanted to have that much good sex with her because I swear to god, they rarely exist. I swear I'm the only female in the world who takes pride in her "private sexual moments." You want something, ya gotta do it yourself ladies!
I was able to head to my sisters after work to see my favorite little children who I regrettably have not had the pleasure of spending much time with lately. As they yelled my name, I smiled and remember how little my own problems seem when I get to see their smiling little faces. Still makes me cringe when I leave and they're trying to get me to stay.
And full circle we come around back to here. Laying in bed, talking to you all and thinking about stupid phrases like , "Time heals all wounds" and " Things happen when you least expect it." When someone sits down and tells you this in hopes to make you feel somewhat better all you really want to do is punch them in the face and tell them that it doesn't do shit. But it's important to really see the importance in these phrases. My roommate is probably one of the most insightful woman that I've ever met, most times more than me ( I hate admitting that lol ) But she makes the most sense to me when I feel like completely falling apart.
She told me that when you can't control a situation and have no power over the outcome, just let it fall apart and control the things that have effect over you. Society has a way of placing great importance on the things that are out of our control. Why stress something you have no power over? The answer is we shouldn't. I know this seems so obvious but think about the last thing you stressed over, could you control it? Did you obsess over it? We do it more than you would imagine.
My mother for instance, is a constant stresser and I truly believe that I inherited this horrible flaw. She stresses over the crumbs that my father leaves on the kitchen counter. She cant control what my father does after he spreads the cream cheese on his crispy bagel, but if she didn't like the crumbs there, she could simply wipe them off herself. As a stresser, we just want other people to not only know what makes us tick but want everyone else around us to care enough to not make us stress. But if we just accepted that most of the time we have to clean the crumbs up ourselves, it wouldn't be the end of the world when the other person didn't clean them.
This same approach goes for everything that I do in my life. If I want something, I can't expect anyone else to get it for me except myself. Instead of stressing over the people that are not giving me what I want, it's time to just shut up and get it myself. I used to be like this, I don't know why or at what point I stopped but enough is enough.
Besides this, I'm itchy. I just wanted to add that as I pause between every sentence to scratch my itchy left arm. Never wait 2 weeks before you go away to start tanning. I am burnt and itchy! haha
For the first time in about 2 weeks I feel like I can breathe. I'm not waiting for something bad to happen, I'm not depending on someone else to make me happy, and I'm not falling asleep crying. When you only depend on yourself, it's hard to be disappointed and it's easier to be happy. If I continue to remind myself that I am going to be just fine and remember to smile I know that " Time heals all wounds" and "Things will happen when you least expect them to". Thanks mom <3
Until Next Time, Over N' Out
MW
I had a long mixed up day today. I drove into work, moon roof down, sun shining on my skin, hair blowing in the wind, and the radio... off. That's right, off. Sometimes it's nice to turn the music off and let your mind wander. I strolled into work with mixed emotions. Partly relieved that my horrible weekend was over but dreading the long week that was about to begin. On the bright side, I'm going to sunny Cancun this weekend with yummy drinks and hopefully even yummier cabana boys haha
I had a customer say to me today, " Baby you sound so sad, I wish I was there to put a smile on your face." Not only did the comment make me grin from ear to ear but it made me realize how many good people are out there. This man had no idea who I was or what I was capable of saying back and he offered his kindness just to cheer me up. I could have been an insane bitch who told him to mind his own beeswax and stop calling me baby. I thanked the nice gentlemen and told him that I would be just fine!
Lunch rolled around and I took comfort in talking to an old friend who's latest problem is trying to learn karma Sudra for her nympho boyfriend. I told her to thank god that she had a boyfriend who wanted to have that much good sex with her because I swear to god, they rarely exist. I swear I'm the only female in the world who takes pride in her "private sexual moments." You want something, ya gotta do it yourself ladies!
I was able to head to my sisters after work to see my favorite little children who I regrettably have not had the pleasure of spending much time with lately. As they yelled my name, I smiled and remember how little my own problems seem when I get to see their smiling little faces. Still makes me cringe when I leave and they're trying to get me to stay.
And full circle we come around back to here. Laying in bed, talking to you all and thinking about stupid phrases like , "Time heals all wounds" and " Things happen when you least expect it." When someone sits down and tells you this in hopes to make you feel somewhat better all you really want to do is punch them in the face and tell them that it doesn't do shit. But it's important to really see the importance in these phrases. My roommate is probably one of the most insightful woman that I've ever met, most times more than me ( I hate admitting that lol ) But she makes the most sense to me when I feel like completely falling apart.
She told me that when you can't control a situation and have no power over the outcome, just let it fall apart and control the things that have effect over you. Society has a way of placing great importance on the things that are out of our control. Why stress something you have no power over? The answer is we shouldn't. I know this seems so obvious but think about the last thing you stressed over, could you control it? Did you obsess over it? We do it more than you would imagine.
My mother for instance, is a constant stresser and I truly believe that I inherited this horrible flaw. She stresses over the crumbs that my father leaves on the kitchen counter. She cant control what my father does after he spreads the cream cheese on his crispy bagel, but if she didn't like the crumbs there, she could simply wipe them off herself. As a stresser, we just want other people to not only know what makes us tick but want everyone else around us to care enough to not make us stress. But if we just accepted that most of the time we have to clean the crumbs up ourselves, it wouldn't be the end of the world when the other person didn't clean them.
This same approach goes for everything that I do in my life. If I want something, I can't expect anyone else to get it for me except myself. Instead of stressing over the people that are not giving me what I want, it's time to just shut up and get it myself. I used to be like this, I don't know why or at what point I stopped but enough is enough.
Besides this, I'm itchy. I just wanted to add that as I pause between every sentence to scratch my itchy left arm. Never wait 2 weeks before you go away to start tanning. I am burnt and itchy! haha
For the first time in about 2 weeks I feel like I can breathe. I'm not waiting for something bad to happen, I'm not depending on someone else to make me happy, and I'm not falling asleep crying. When you only depend on yourself, it's hard to be disappointed and it's easier to be happy. If I continue to remind myself that I am going to be just fine and remember to smile I know that " Time heals all wounds" and "Things will happen when you least expect them to". Thanks mom <3
Until Next Time, Over N' Out
MW
Sunday, April 10, 2011
"Farting Fruit, thank you for making me smile"
Ahh the smell of spring blows in my 3rd story apartment with the wind today as the warm lightens up every dark shadow. One of the first beautiful weekends this year and I spent it upset. Where is the justice in that? I guess it's my own fault. I did manage to get a lot done though so the weekend wasn't a complete waste I guess. I'm sitting at my kitchen table watching my roommate dye my sister's hair and eye brows. I laugh at the silliness of my every day life but sigh at the disappoint I feel inside. Why do we feel total dissatisfaction when there is no reason for it? Do we like the pain? Do we crave it? Maybe because we know if we didn't feel the pain, we wouldn't feel the good stuff. I don't want to feel the bad though.
New relationships aren't suppose to be so much work. They should be fun and frisky. I shouldn't have to wonder so much. In the eyes of every women, we have this underlining right to expect the most out of every man. Some would say its a character flaw that leads even the most independent woman to a complete disaster. We run around trying to find the meaning in everything that we do and then we forget to enjoy the simple things. We think that taking a step back and slowing down is a death sentence. If a relationship doesn't follow a certain pattern then its either doomed or wrong in some way. But what happens when you go off course and the path has some bumps in the road? Do we turn and run the other way? Or do we stay focused and just remember that nothing in life worth meaning came to us easily. I've been known to over think so maybe that's all it really is. Just my minds way of running around in circles. But at one point do you let it all go? When do you decide, I'm just going to put all my faith into my gut and let my worries and insecurities go? When do you stop listening to everyone on the outside who tells you to run in the other direction? When do you put your complete trust into someone and allow them the control to completely break you down if they wanted to. I want to do that. I want to let go. But my hesitation causes doubts. Like maybe I deserve someone who wants to put in just as much energy into it as I am. But maybe I'm putting too much energy into it and no one could ever measure up. Guess I'm just going to have to take it day to day.
On a much lighter note. I just laughed at my roommate asking our friend if he had any good farting stories because we do nothing more than talk about the uncomfortable moments when people felt the need to just completely stink out a room. Ever sit in a room and listen to the conversations around you? Well I swear to god if someone was constantly sitting and listening to my conversations, they would have an overflow of funny awkward moments that make you seriously wonder how people don't think I'm weird. My sister just stuck star fruit in my face. I screamed yelling how it looked like an awkward vagina. Everything looks like a vagina to me lately. See... this is how my crazy mixed up mind works.
I managed to get everything done today that I needed to do. This consisted of cleaning my apartment, doing all my laundry ( and putting it away ), showering, doing my nails, cleaning out my car, tanning, and making my lunch for tomorrow. Of course normally I would feel satisfied, like I earned my keep today, or at the very least organized. I pretty much feel empty, like nothing really that good happened today. I'm going to make dinner, turn on the tv and hopefully get to sleep without my mind wondering so much tonight. UGH, god MW, get a grip on yourself, you never feel THIS sorry for yourself ha ha. I guess any level of feeling sorry for yourself is unhealthy really. Not that I expect anyone to feel sorry for me, guess I'm just having an off night. Actually more like an off weekend. I wish I had more funny commentary but I'm just not feeling it tonight. My only funny moments involve farting and vagina looking star fruit... HA... maybe I'll have something better to write about tomorrow.
Until Next Time, Over N' Out!
MW
New relationships aren't suppose to be so much work. They should be fun and frisky. I shouldn't have to wonder so much. In the eyes of every women, we have this underlining right to expect the most out of every man. Some would say its a character flaw that leads even the most independent woman to a complete disaster. We run around trying to find the meaning in everything that we do and then we forget to enjoy the simple things. We think that taking a step back and slowing down is a death sentence. If a relationship doesn't follow a certain pattern then its either doomed or wrong in some way. But what happens when you go off course and the path has some bumps in the road? Do we turn and run the other way? Or do we stay focused and just remember that nothing in life worth meaning came to us easily. I've been known to over think so maybe that's all it really is. Just my minds way of running around in circles. But at one point do you let it all go? When do you decide, I'm just going to put all my faith into my gut and let my worries and insecurities go? When do you stop listening to everyone on the outside who tells you to run in the other direction? When do you put your complete trust into someone and allow them the control to completely break you down if they wanted to. I want to do that. I want to let go. But my hesitation causes doubts. Like maybe I deserve someone who wants to put in just as much energy into it as I am. But maybe I'm putting too much energy into it and no one could ever measure up. Guess I'm just going to have to take it day to day.
On a much lighter note. I just laughed at my roommate asking our friend if he had any good farting stories because we do nothing more than talk about the uncomfortable moments when people felt the need to just completely stink out a room. Ever sit in a room and listen to the conversations around you? Well I swear to god if someone was constantly sitting and listening to my conversations, they would have an overflow of funny awkward moments that make you seriously wonder how people don't think I'm weird. My sister just stuck star fruit in my face. I screamed yelling how it looked like an awkward vagina. Everything looks like a vagina to me lately. See... this is how my crazy mixed up mind works.
I managed to get everything done today that I needed to do. This consisted of cleaning my apartment, doing all my laundry ( and putting it away ), showering, doing my nails, cleaning out my car, tanning, and making my lunch for tomorrow. Of course normally I would feel satisfied, like I earned my keep today, or at the very least organized. I pretty much feel empty, like nothing really that good happened today. I'm going to make dinner, turn on the tv and hopefully get to sleep without my mind wondering so much tonight. UGH, god MW, get a grip on yourself, you never feel THIS sorry for yourself ha ha. I guess any level of feeling sorry for yourself is unhealthy really. Not that I expect anyone to feel sorry for me, guess I'm just having an off night. Actually more like an off weekend. I wish I had more funny commentary but I'm just not feeling it tonight. My only funny moments involve farting and vagina looking star fruit... HA... maybe I'll have something better to write about tomorrow.
Until Next Time, Over N' Out!
MW
Monday, March 7, 2011
Too much information?
365 days to a year. It's interesting to think that in such a short amount of time, you're whole world can change. If I thought about that in dollar terms, I make more then a year of cash in one week. It's a small number when thought of as a whole. But separately we dread the things that take longer then a few days. Like losing weight, or earning money, even dating. Our society has a huge demand for NOW.. this instant. When did we stop enjoying the process of life and how things evolve with time? We're so used to instant gratification, whether its through a text message or email or some other ridiculously fast way of getting what you want when you want it, that we forget to enjoy the little things. Back in the "old day", if you didn't have an answer machine, you didn't even know who called you.
The past couple of weeks I've proven this exact theory. When I don't get what I want instantly, I tend to get flustered and aggravated. I wish I could be patient. A great example. I texted a friend recently asking what their address was. I didn't even need it right then and there but was aggravated when it took them almost an hour to respond. I need to take a step back and be patient. Not only does this NOT grow in my family but if I'm anything like my father, I soon won't be able to stand in a grocery line for more than 3 minutes without getting instantly annoyed.
I recently got into a fight. When I say fight, I mean like an actual physical fight. What was a perfect night turned into horror when 3 people I care about and myself all were hurt pretty badly by some bad people. The whole experience was surreal and I beg anyone who is in a place they don't know, with people they don't know, please be smart and walk away at confrontation. We were extremely fortunate and I'm thankful that there were no serious injuries. I can't get it out of my head though. Seeing my best friend get kicked continuously in the face, the guy I care about getting thrown against a car, a new friend being chased through a parking garage, getting kicked in the chest myself. Every minute of it I picture. I'm thankful it's over and I'm ready to move on from it but I decided to take an even bigger lesson from it. Life's too short to not tell the people you love, that you love them. Life's too short to not take that chance for love, for happiness. Life is too short to not recognize the good in your life and embrace it.
So this is my opportunity to start appreciating my life. I don't want to be scared anymore. I don't want to hold things inside because I'm scared of the outcome. Is that naive? Is it immature or childish to think that way? I've grown up thinking that guarding yourself was the only real way to ensure that you'd get out happy in life but maybe thats wrong. Maybe happiness is about falling, scrapping your knees here and there.
You never know you're true strength until it's all you've got. Faith, love, happiness, life, laughter. How do they all connect? Do you need one to have the other? Or is a mixture of a little bit of all? Guess I'll have to wait and see.
MW
The past couple of weeks I've proven this exact theory. When I don't get what I want instantly, I tend to get flustered and aggravated. I wish I could be patient. A great example. I texted a friend recently asking what their address was. I didn't even need it right then and there but was aggravated when it took them almost an hour to respond. I need to take a step back and be patient. Not only does this NOT grow in my family but if I'm anything like my father, I soon won't be able to stand in a grocery line for more than 3 minutes without getting instantly annoyed.
I recently got into a fight. When I say fight, I mean like an actual physical fight. What was a perfect night turned into horror when 3 people I care about and myself all were hurt pretty badly by some bad people. The whole experience was surreal and I beg anyone who is in a place they don't know, with people they don't know, please be smart and walk away at confrontation. We were extremely fortunate and I'm thankful that there were no serious injuries. I can't get it out of my head though. Seeing my best friend get kicked continuously in the face, the guy I care about getting thrown against a car, a new friend being chased through a parking garage, getting kicked in the chest myself. Every minute of it I picture. I'm thankful it's over and I'm ready to move on from it but I decided to take an even bigger lesson from it. Life's too short to not tell the people you love, that you love them. Life's too short to not take that chance for love, for happiness. Life is too short to not recognize the good in your life and embrace it.
So this is my opportunity to start appreciating my life. I don't want to be scared anymore. I don't want to hold things inside because I'm scared of the outcome. Is that naive? Is it immature or childish to think that way? I've grown up thinking that guarding yourself was the only real way to ensure that you'd get out happy in life but maybe thats wrong. Maybe happiness is about falling, scrapping your knees here and there.
You never know you're true strength until it's all you've got. Faith, love, happiness, life, laughter. How do they all connect? Do you need one to have the other? Or is a mixture of a little bit of all? Guess I'll have to wait and see.
MW
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
" A kiss can say a thousand words "
New beginnings. I can't believe that I have managed to completely neglect the one thing that keeps me sane. I apologize, like I always do. So very much has happened lately and I'm just now having a minute to sit down and get it all out.
I recently moved into a new apartment with my best friend. I still haven't decided if it was a completely insane thing to do or not. We're two extremely different people, but we love each other and have been friends forever. I'm going to look at the bright side and say that that'll make things always interesting where as if I lived with someone exactly like myself I would probably never leave the apartment because she pushes me to get out there.
Relationships have been all over the place. Last year I read a yearly horoscope ( because I'm weird) about my love life. It basically stated that I'm going to be in a different spot than I am right now (in 2010) either physically or mentally. Which meant that I was either going to be in a relationship ( because I wasn't at the time of reading) or going to realize that maybe I don't want one quite as badly as I've perceived. I've recently learned the meaning of Independence.... and I thought I use to be independent. I think the older I get, not only do I learn what I like ( long deep kisses, unexpected roses, and lots of laughing moments) in my relationships, but also what I don't need FROM a relationship (to be happy, to put up with feeling not good enough, to be satisfied(hehe)) I like to think I'm on the right track, living my life and not regretting any of it. I think the point of being young is never having to do it perfectly. It's not an excuse to go start being a slut and not giving two shits about anything but myself. I'll never be the type to not care about others, but I can start putting myself before people ( especially the ones that don't want to take advantage of my fabulous self)
Side note as I write this. I just started think about kissing. I have this journal that I've kept since I was about 16. I listed every guy I've ever kissed with ratings. That's right, I would go home after a juicey night of making out and write about it. I'm sitting here looking at the different names with all the x's and stars. Each have their own description and how how they acted impacted the feel of the kiss...
There was my very first kiss. His name was Joe (I'm using his name here because I have no idea where he could be at this point in time). I was 15 and on vacation in a camp ground with my whole family. He was 16 and smoked cigarettes. I thought it was hot. He was from the city and was insanely touchy feely with me. Obviously being the little 15 year old I was, I was smitten. We went back to my camp site and he met my parents. We went out to the fire and progressed to swap spit at the camp fire right in front of my friends and sisters. That's right, I was proud that he picked me. HAHA Then we sat outside looking up at the stars as he tried desperately to get his hand down my pants but I wouldn't let him. I should have known at that moment that I was going to be a boy crazed teenager.
Then there was MR. FIRST LOVE. My very first boyfriend. He was a senior in high school so I thought I was hot shit for having a senior boyfriend from another town. He had one of those kisses that left my lips tingling. He kissed me with urgency, like we only had a couple hours before I had to run home to my parents who had no knowledge of the relationship. We had a secret relationship, I think that made kissing him feel dangerous. He lasted a couple years until...
MR. FIRST CRUSH. My first real crush. I met him in high school and I was IN LOVE with him. We finally kissed one night behind the local YMCA in my car. At the time, his kissed caused a shiver down my back. Slow and steady, we made out as the windows fogged up. Later in life, I had the displeasure of kissing him again and I swear to god he had the tongue of a frog. It flew in and out and made unnecessary spit saliva all over the place.
Shortly after came along MR.SEXY TIME. He was a Marine. He was strong, and slightly forceful.. and HOT. His kisses were sexually driven. I didn't see him often so when I did, we went at it like horny teenagers. Oh wait.. we were! He was more aggressive and I learned the art of bitting on the lower lip and how a little bit of pressure can cause an eruption. Our first kiss was in my living room, he was home on leave for thanksgiving. We had been good friends before hand so the fact that we decided to take it further was have of the excitement.
MR.PRETTY FACE came around a little bit after. I worked with him. He looked at himself in the mirror more than I did, which was pretty hard to do. Boy did he have a tongue though. I remember it being soft. Our first kiss was at his apartment that he shared with 3 other guys. We watched family guy and nervously wondered who would make the first move. I did, like always. His kiss was soft and gentle, nothing too out of the ordinary, just his tongue... hmm...
then I became a kissing slut and there was...
MR. CHOKE ME WITH YOUR TONGUE ( I couldn't breathe )
MR. NO TONGUE AT ALL ( I'm not sure he even had one )
MR. WEAK IN THE KNEES ( literally, I couldn't stand and kiss him, we had to sit down, it was that good )
MR. SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT ( way too much buildable to an inevitable failure. I think he thought my tonsils were my tongue )
MR. MAKE OUT WITH MY CHIN ( this really happened )
MR. DRUNK KISS #1-8 that I remember... yah
then I decided to take a chill pill and meet
MR. SWAGGER. He had everything to make me weak in the knees and his kiss was comfortable. Not even in a bad way. It was like I could spend the rest of my life doing it. It was easy and natural. A beck sufficed. Our first kiss was in his parents living room ( he still lived at home ) We just finished watching a movie and I got up to leave. He hugged me goodbye and kissed me by surprise. It was nice to not have to make the first move. It was short and sweet and lead to a summer love affair I'll never forget.
then more recently MR. TOO MUCH POTENTIAL. How do I even begin to describe my first kiss with this guy. We were in my basement watching a movie, and I just looked up at him and we kissed. Nothing romantic, nothing embarrassing, nothing even that special about how it happened. But the kiss was intense. Every time I kissed him it was intense. We synced, he knew what I liked and I knew what he liked without having to talk about it. It was like when you're eating something so good and you're so full but you just can't stop eating it. Like all the experiences lead you to this person and it felt right. But like his name, some things are just too good to be true.
Ultimately that's what it's all about. I laugh at all my memories now about the men that I seem to allow into my life. I guess you could say I'm a lot more cautious. Nothing beats a first kiss, that nervous, exciting moment when you go from friends to more. After a first kiss, anything could happen. Whether it's a second one follows, you part, you come back together. The story is what matters though, those are what you will always have even when the person isn't there anymore.
I don't even know what made me side note onto this topic but it doesn't even matter at this point. Tomorrow I'm giving into my ego and watching Jersey Shore. If you're not addicted to this show, I feel sorry for you. To take an hour out of my day and realize that I'm not the most crazy, obnoxious thing out there, is by far the best part of my day.
Until next time, Over N' Out!
MW
I recently moved into a new apartment with my best friend. I still haven't decided if it was a completely insane thing to do or not. We're two extremely different people, but we love each other and have been friends forever. I'm going to look at the bright side and say that that'll make things always interesting where as if I lived with someone exactly like myself I would probably never leave the apartment because she pushes me to get out there.
Relationships have been all over the place. Last year I read a yearly horoscope ( because I'm weird) about my love life. It basically stated that I'm going to be in a different spot than I am right now (in 2010) either physically or mentally. Which meant that I was either going to be in a relationship ( because I wasn't at the time of reading) or going to realize that maybe I don't want one quite as badly as I've perceived. I've recently learned the meaning of Independence.... and I thought I use to be independent. I think the older I get, not only do I learn what I like ( long deep kisses, unexpected roses, and lots of laughing moments) in my relationships, but also what I don't need FROM a relationship (to be happy, to put up with feeling not good enough, to be satisfied(hehe)) I like to think I'm on the right track, living my life and not regretting any of it. I think the point of being young is never having to do it perfectly. It's not an excuse to go start being a slut and not giving two shits about anything but myself. I'll never be the type to not care about others, but I can start putting myself before people ( especially the ones that don't want to take advantage of my fabulous self)
Side note as I write this. I just started think about kissing. I have this journal that I've kept since I was about 16. I listed every guy I've ever kissed with ratings. That's right, I would go home after a juicey night of making out and write about it. I'm sitting here looking at the different names with all the x's and stars. Each have their own description and how how they acted impacted the feel of the kiss...
There was my very first kiss. His name was Joe (I'm using his name here because I have no idea where he could be at this point in time). I was 15 and on vacation in a camp ground with my whole family. He was 16 and smoked cigarettes. I thought it was hot. He was from the city and was insanely touchy feely with me. Obviously being the little 15 year old I was, I was smitten. We went back to my camp site and he met my parents. We went out to the fire and progressed to swap spit at the camp fire right in front of my friends and sisters. That's right, I was proud that he picked me. HAHA Then we sat outside looking up at the stars as he tried desperately to get his hand down my pants but I wouldn't let him. I should have known at that moment that I was going to be a boy crazed teenager.
Then there was MR. FIRST LOVE. My very first boyfriend. He was a senior in high school so I thought I was hot shit for having a senior boyfriend from another town. He had one of those kisses that left my lips tingling. He kissed me with urgency, like we only had a couple hours before I had to run home to my parents who had no knowledge of the relationship. We had a secret relationship, I think that made kissing him feel dangerous. He lasted a couple years until...
MR. FIRST CRUSH. My first real crush. I met him in high school and I was IN LOVE with him. We finally kissed one night behind the local YMCA in my car. At the time, his kissed caused a shiver down my back. Slow and steady, we made out as the windows fogged up. Later in life, I had the displeasure of kissing him again and I swear to god he had the tongue of a frog. It flew in and out and made unnecessary spit saliva all over the place.
Shortly after came along MR.SEXY TIME. He was a Marine. He was strong, and slightly forceful.. and HOT. His kisses were sexually driven. I didn't see him often so when I did, we went at it like horny teenagers. Oh wait.. we were! He was more aggressive and I learned the art of bitting on the lower lip and how a little bit of pressure can cause an eruption. Our first kiss was in my living room, he was home on leave for thanksgiving. We had been good friends before hand so the fact that we decided to take it further was have of the excitement.
MR.PRETTY FACE came around a little bit after. I worked with him. He looked at himself in the mirror more than I did, which was pretty hard to do. Boy did he have a tongue though. I remember it being soft. Our first kiss was at his apartment that he shared with 3 other guys. We watched family guy and nervously wondered who would make the first move. I did, like always. His kiss was soft and gentle, nothing too out of the ordinary, just his tongue... hmm...
then I became a kissing slut and there was...
MR. CHOKE ME WITH YOUR TONGUE ( I couldn't breathe )
MR. NO TONGUE AT ALL ( I'm not sure he even had one )
MR. WEAK IN THE KNEES ( literally, I couldn't stand and kiss him, we had to sit down, it was that good )
MR. SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT ( way too much buildable to an inevitable failure. I think he thought my tonsils were my tongue )
MR. MAKE OUT WITH MY CHIN ( this really happened )
MR. DRUNK KISS #1-8 that I remember... yah
then I decided to take a chill pill and meet
MR. SWAGGER. He had everything to make me weak in the knees and his kiss was comfortable. Not even in a bad way. It was like I could spend the rest of my life doing it. It was easy and natural. A beck sufficed. Our first kiss was in his parents living room ( he still lived at home ) We just finished watching a movie and I got up to leave. He hugged me goodbye and kissed me by surprise. It was nice to not have to make the first move. It was short and sweet and lead to a summer love affair I'll never forget.
then more recently MR. TOO MUCH POTENTIAL. How do I even begin to describe my first kiss with this guy. We were in my basement watching a movie, and I just looked up at him and we kissed. Nothing romantic, nothing embarrassing, nothing even that special about how it happened. But the kiss was intense. Every time I kissed him it was intense. We synced, he knew what I liked and I knew what he liked without having to talk about it. It was like when you're eating something so good and you're so full but you just can't stop eating it. Like all the experiences lead you to this person and it felt right. But like his name, some things are just too good to be true.
Ultimately that's what it's all about. I laugh at all my memories now about the men that I seem to allow into my life. I guess you could say I'm a lot more cautious. Nothing beats a first kiss, that nervous, exciting moment when you go from friends to more. After a first kiss, anything could happen. Whether it's a second one follows, you part, you come back together. The story is what matters though, those are what you will always have even when the person isn't there anymore.
I don't even know what made me side note onto this topic but it doesn't even matter at this point. Tomorrow I'm giving into my ego and watching Jersey Shore. If you're not addicted to this show, I feel sorry for you. To take an hour out of my day and realize that I'm not the most crazy, obnoxious thing out there, is by far the best part of my day.
Until next time, Over N' Out!
MW
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