Ahh the smell of spring blows in my 3rd story apartment with the wind today as the warm lightens up every dark shadow. One of the first beautiful weekends this year and I spent it upset. Where is the justice in that? I guess it's my own fault. I did manage to get a lot done though so the weekend wasn't a complete waste I guess. I'm sitting at my kitchen table watching my roommate dye my sister's hair and eye brows. I laugh at the silliness of my every day life but sigh at the disappoint I feel inside. Why do we feel total dissatisfaction when there is no reason for it? Do we like the pain? Do we crave it? Maybe because we know if we didn't feel the pain, we wouldn't feel the good stuff. I don't want to feel the bad though.
New relationships aren't suppose to be so much work. They should be fun and frisky. I shouldn't have to wonder so much. In the eyes of every women, we have this underlining right to expect the most out of every man. Some would say its a character flaw that leads even the most independent woman to a complete disaster. We run around trying to find the meaning in everything that we do and then we forget to enjoy the simple things. We think that taking a step back and slowing down is a death sentence. If a relationship doesn't follow a certain pattern then its either doomed or wrong in some way. But what happens when you go off course and the path has some bumps in the road? Do we turn and run the other way? Or do we stay focused and just remember that nothing in life worth meaning came to us easily. I've been known to over think so maybe that's all it really is. Just my minds way of running around in circles. But at one point do you let it all go? When do you decide, I'm just going to put all my faith into my gut and let my worries and insecurities go? When do you stop listening to everyone on the outside who tells you to run in the other direction? When do you put your complete trust into someone and allow them the control to completely break you down if they wanted to. I want to do that. I want to let go. But my hesitation causes doubts. Like maybe I deserve someone who wants to put in just as much energy into it as I am. But maybe I'm putting too much energy into it and no one could ever measure up. Guess I'm just going to have to take it day to day.
On a much lighter note. I just laughed at my roommate asking our friend if he had any good farting stories because we do nothing more than talk about the uncomfortable moments when people felt the need to just completely stink out a room. Ever sit in a room and listen to the conversations around you? Well I swear to god if someone was constantly sitting and listening to my conversations, they would have an overflow of funny awkward moments that make you seriously wonder how people don't think I'm weird. My sister just stuck star fruit in my face. I screamed yelling how it looked like an awkward vagina. Everything looks like a vagina to me lately. See... this is how my crazy mixed up mind works.
I managed to get everything done today that I needed to do. This consisted of cleaning my apartment, doing all my laundry ( and putting it away ), showering, doing my nails, cleaning out my car, tanning, and making my lunch for tomorrow. Of course normally I would feel satisfied, like I earned my keep today, or at the very least organized. I pretty much feel empty, like nothing really that good happened today. I'm going to make dinner, turn on the tv and hopefully get to sleep without my mind wondering so much tonight. UGH, god MW, get a grip on yourself, you never feel THIS sorry for yourself ha ha. I guess any level of feeling sorry for yourself is unhealthy really. Not that I expect anyone to feel sorry for me, guess I'm just having an off night. Actually more like an off weekend. I wish I had more funny commentary but I'm just not feeling it tonight. My only funny moments involve farting and vagina looking star fruit... HA... maybe I'll have something better to write about tomorrow.
Until Next Time, Over N' Out!
MW
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