"Just say I want you, just exactly like I used to."

Good evening fellow Bostonians. How are you enjoying the brisk winter weather? Surprisingly we've hit a small warmth spurt ( is that even a phrase?) With my year anniversary coming up on the lovely blogger.com I'm thinking more now than ever about what a different place I'm in after just one year. I look at the brunette in the mirror and smile. I've managed to not give up on entirely everything. I'm still here speaking to you about the trial and tribulations of the witty mind of she. A girl who never finishes what she starts, I'm glad that I have not given up on you guys just yet.

I spent a majority of the week working on the concept of what a good person means... and making sure my customers get their parts on time of course. I straggle to work every morning wondering will god please send me some kind of good faith, something to hold me in place and remind me that everything I've done will pay off in the end. Don't get me wrong, I have a really good life. I have a job that keeps me laughing all day, mostly because of my good hearted coworkers who understand my crazy humor and laugh along with me. I have a really great family, who aren't afraid to tell me when something makes me look really fat, but acknowledge when I look stunning. I also have a really great set of friends who take my late night calls when I've been crying all night just to tell me that everything is sure to work out in the end. These are the things I have, but it still leaves a linger for the things I want. Don't we all feel that way at times? Grateful for what we have but curious when what we want will match?

I woke up this morning and decided it's time for a change. The first thought that ran through my head ( like most women) is.. "I'm going to chop my hair off." Now considering I spent the last 2 and half years growing it out and crying myself to sleep when I did cut it all off, I would say I was desperate to find something else I could change that would make these hair thoughts go away, and quickly!

Second thought that came to mind, "Let's rearrange furniture." This was quite the dragged out project. Not only was there major cleaning that had to be done before hand, but I'm anything but the type to move around furniture, especially with my ability to slip and fall at pretty much any given moment, kind of like that time last weekend when I went to get the door for the Chinese food that was delivered to my house only to be momentarily delayed when I slipped right down the stairs... yupp I still have the bruise on my rear.

The first hour was spend cleaning and organizing. This was okay, then the bigger skill came. First I had to get my queen sized mattress off my bed frame so I could easily move the bed. I thought it would be intelligent to lift the mattress off the bed and stand it up against the wall, which would have been perfect...if I didn't have a ceiling fan in my room.... not only did I almost chop off my hand, but I'm pretty sure I almost broke my pinky toe when I tried to get around the bed frame to stop the mattress from taking me out. I look at my bed, all made and comfy, and I'm extremely proud of myself, but my toe would say otherwise.

I bravely made my way to the mall after with Mr. Savior to do some Christmas shopping. This ended quickly due to bloating from cafeteria food and the only thing I walked out with was 2 scrumptious candles for my room... ohh and this yummy new lip gloss. I'm a horrible person.

So now I sit here, with my Kings of Leon soundtrack, my bruised toe, and a full stomach ( pizza and movies at my sisters) and ponder how the last couple weeks of the year are doomed to play out. Sometimes I wish I could tell the future, then I remember how good it feels when I'm pleasantly surprised.

I wish I had some good boy toy stories for you, I'm very known for them with my friends, but I've been making an effort to do my own thing right now and just focus on me. So I do apologize if my blogs seem boring, but they're soon to be spiced up. My birthday is just around the corner and I'm making it a goal to turn over a new leaf when it hits and get myself back out there, but for right now I need to do what is best for me. Which is get my ass to the gym, get a freaking tan, and save some money for my trip in April.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone really listens to me or if this is all wasted verbal therapy that goes out into blogger space. So are you listening? Are you reading? Am I boring you? Send me a sign.

Over n' Out!
MW

" I don't believe you when you say you don't need me anymore."

I wish I could define exactly what has been going on in my life lately, but words don't sum it up. My faith has been tested, my hope has been tried, and my love has worn thin, but I keep fighting.

I've been thinking about someone from my past a lot lately. Don't you hate how it hits you like that? BAM, something that has been a distant memory comes rushing back to you and hits you ten times harder. Makes you wonder if you truly healed correctly the first time around. But do we ever heal correctly? Or do we just learn to push feelings aside to move on? It it naive to think that we can completely move on from things? Or is it really possible?

She's so bitter toward me and I'm grateful that I'm not toward her, but also extremely sad that she's angry toward me. I could sit here and wonder if I made the right decision in letting our friendship go but it's already done. I had to do what was right for me at that time. Is she angry that I didn't try hard enough? Is she angry because she knows there was some truth to why our friendship ended? I could rip myself to shreds wondering and thinking about why she feels the way she does, but I can't. I have to move on.

I sat outside tonight and felt the cold wind on my face. The air smelt like winter. Ever have a smell trigger a memory? It made me think of the late night drives with her when we'd sneak out to smoke a cigarette and talk about the meaning of life. Maybe there is a little piece of me that blames myself for our falling out. Maybe that's why I feel lost. No one wants to question the actions they took in the past, especially when it's lead to something painful. I reached out to her, only to be painful reminded that she is not the person I knew. I have to stop assuming the good in everyone or I'm never going to find my own happiness. I have to accept that some people are never going to forgive you, some are never going to be sorry, and some are never going to look back.

I still wish her happiness, I still hope she can let go of her anger, but I can't keep blaming myself. There are a lot of things I could have done differently, but if I hadn't done what I did I wouldn't be where I am now. We make decisions that shape us to the people we'll be in the future. She took a route and I went in the opposite direction, it's bound to happen. Some people come in and out our lives and change us. I'm grateful for that and for the lessons I've learned along the way. So where ever you are, if you read this, I hope there is some sympathy and love still left in you for me, because I do for you. I hope you smile when you remember our friendship and laugh when you think about all of the good times. Fair well <3

MW