"You can't lose something you never had."

Ever go for a late night drive on a beautiful summer night. Park the car, take out a blanket and stare at the stars. I can recall doing this at every age. When you're young, its the wonder of what could possibly stick in the sky that bright. You become a teenager and the stars start to shed meaning as you grow up and realize life isn't that black and white. As you get older and continue on through the different difficult stages of growing up, the stars mean more and more to you as you think of the possibilities they could mean. How could something so big and so bright with so much power, appear small and gazing. At the same time, it makes you wonder what other things that appear to be one thing are really another.

As I sit in my tiny 2 bedroom apartment and gaze over the busy streets full of life, I wonder what's going through each person's mind. The young couple getting Dell's lemonade, obviously in bliss that schools just about over which means its closer to their freedom to be together all the time. The older woman dressed in a diner uniform speed walking to work probably worried that she's going to be late to her second job that supports her 3 small children. The guy outside the local bar smoking a cigarette with his greased face squinting in the sunlight excited to enjoy his afternoon beer after a long day of working on cars. Every different person, every different scenario. All my assumptions are just that, because the truth of the matter is I have no idea what was going through those people's minds.

Not only do I ponder over my insanely good mind reading skills, I'm dreading the thought of tomorrow. Shouldn't it be the other way around? Especially with the sun shinning and my life being a lot better than most. We're told to always appreciate what we have, which I do. But does it stop us from longing for what we don't have? As someone going through a break up, some would say it should be a relief, others would say it's painful. I consider it numb. You push and you push and you push and eventually there's nothing left there to give. I have nothing left to give. All I have is this single rose sitting on my dresser drawer, dried out and dead. I shouldn't have even kept it. It's sort of ironic. Such a beautiful rose. A thorn less one. Something so precious and so beautiful and so perfect, dead. Makes you wonder if anything that perfect can last. I guess not.

I'm trying to sit and remember the last time that I was genuinely happy in hopes to get back there and the last thing I can remember was moving into this apartment. I had a sense of accomplishment, a sense of freedom. Something that was mine and no one could take it away from me or ruin it or damage it. It's necessary to have those things in you're life because the artificial happiness is only temporary. I'd have to say in the last week my faith has been tested in so many ways. I want to believe that they haven't won. That above all, no one will ever take away my faith and maybe sometime down the line I'll be able to say that again. But for right now, I need to be content with thinking that once again MW is a fool and gets the shit end of the stick. I fell. I fell harder than I really thought I would let myself. Coming from someone who thinks that unrequited or unreturned love is foolish, the joke is definitely on me. I've lived my life thinking that anyone who isn't willing to love you back is not worth an ounce of your time. I overstepped myself and forgot what I believe and I became the ultimate hypocrite to myself. The truth of the matter is, you can't lose something you never had and if you never had it, it was never yours. I spent all this time believing that if I wasn't certain about how things would play out, I was least certain about how he felt about me. What do you do when what you believe isn't real? How do you learn to trust again, how do you open yourself up? Walls are built for a reason right? Maybe it's all just shit. Maybe no one knows anyone and maybe all we do have in the end is ourselves. I guess it's just another chapter I'm gonna have to unfold all myself.

Until Next Time, Over N Out
MW